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140,682 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
Hello.
The trademark rhetorical questions are in here, along with the theme of luuurve and the metaphorical language with the angels and stuff.Wow, so you had a whole "love" phase. WOW! XD I am really surprised by this, because you don't write like this anymore :/ I wish you did sometimes ya know, because as it turns out, you can be very romantic.
Obviously this is a haiku, and you've done it accurately, but it also means that the work has to be kind of short, because of the nature of a haiku.
I feel like this work is kind of the opposite of the last one I read, "Like Glue" because this seems to be about two people united who then leave each other, where in the other one was about two people who seemed to have been apart coming back together again.
Maybe you were writing these for/about a particular person at the time, and the distance was causing a problem? That's who it reads anyway.
~L
Hi, 567ajt! This is Kitty here for a review to give you on these two haikus of yours.
This first line is real nice, though it feels like it needs some more information on that. It leaves me without much explanations. The way the haiku relies on something, and is doubtful of its own self is not really useful.
The second line really feels forced like you want to match the syllables of the haiku format, yet you weren't about to match what exactly you wanted, but you let it pass. See, that's not really what I enjoy. Instead, I recommend using different words to compare the person to something else. It's in two syllables so it shouldn't be too hard.
Suggestions:
Spoiler
Shiny star (better than white star)
Bright star
Shiny sea
Shiny night
^ These suggestions aren't very useful, but they'll help anyway.
To conclude, the haikus are pretty well done, except for a few things here and there, so 8/10 I suppose?
Keep writing!
~Kitty
An even shorter haiku;
I read your haiku
It said, "very short haiku."
Challenge accepted.
Read this.
Haiku's, in general, are short. But there is always reason for it.
This is a nice piece but you've got the haiku wrong. Haikus are poems of three lines (okay, so this you've done correctly), each line containing 5 syllables, 7 syllables and then 5 syllables again. In your second line and 5th line, you only have 3 syllables... 4 more are needed.
Haikus are also usually about nature and landscapes and such, however I think this rule doesn't always have to be applied -- you can write a haiku on whatever the heck you want.
So I don't have much to say about this poem, except that I like the intended idea and the rheotoricals. I especially like the last line that makes the reader want to read on as he/she is just left on the edge, expecting more.
Keep writing, husband! <3