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140,691 Literary Works • 673,612 Reviews
Hello.
Well that was short and not very sweet. XD
To say the least.
Firstly: LOL @ the name Brenda. Why? O.O
This looks like a slice of that old Nancy Sinatra song. All messed up and kind of haiku-y. XD
I don't know what inspired you to write this work, but it could even be considered post-apocalyptic with all these bodies. Trying to give this work a genre is quite hard actually, but it's interesting.
Very thought provoking I guess. XD
Keep writing.
~L
xxxx
I like that I get a good image just from reading these few lines. But its so short I don't know what its about. Yet you continue to inspire me.
Hey Adam! I haven't commented on one of your pieces for a while now so here I am.
Okay, I see you've gone back to writing your depressing poems again - but there's nothing wrong with that because I love what you write. And anyway, I know that it is only depressing because passionate romantic emotion it carries. I am really impressed by how much emotion can be felt within such a small number of lines and a limited number of words, especially because you have the word "down" repeated so the number of words you can use is reduced even more. So well done for that!
This is a haiku, right? Right, so remember, a haiku is made up of three lines: the first has 5 syllables, the second has 7 and the last must have 5 again. Yours has 6 syllables in the last but I presume that can be easily fixed. For example if you remove the "to" from "onto", that way you cut off one whole syllable!
Usually, haikus deal with nature and such but who follows that rule anymore, eh? xD I think you did a great job, still and I'm not at all surprised because you're a great poet, husband.
Keep writing <3
Erm, aren't there five in the last line? Or am I counting wrong?