Please Come See Me

Hello.

So you've set this one out just like a song.
Ok, at least there isn't all the creepy format we've seen before. XD

Please come see me.
You know it would make my day.
Please come see me.
You'd show me it's all ok.

The chorus is nice, because it sounds very innocent : compared to what I have just been reading of yours. It's great that you do have a variety of voice, and I much prefer this one to the former. It's much more friendly.

Picked you like raisins,
not cause you're Blasian.
Or from Canada-ha-ha-a-ho,
but because I can tell.
You like my humour.
I like yours as well.

you put so much of yourself in your work, it's difficult to distinguish between you and your characters, especially because you use first person narration most of the time, maybe you should vary that up a bit? and try third person every now and again?

Just some thoughts.
~R

Hey, AJ!

I actually liked this piece. It was cool! And it was a little different than the work you usually write, so it's refreshing.

VERSE ONE (2/2):
Picked you like raisins,
not cause you're Blasian.
Or from Canada-ha-ha-a-ho,
but because I can tell.
You like my humour.
I like yours as well.

Raisins? xD I don't get that metaphor. A lot of people don't like raisins. I'm not quite sure that's the best metaphor to use. I'm also unsure about how Canada is being extended. Is that important in the lyrics, or is that just added flavor on the singer's part?

(Also, crazy punctuation? Now we're going overboard on the grammar! Teehee.)

That's the only nitpick, actually. Huh.

Well! Overall, grammar. Grammar, grammar, grammar. If you can't speak the lyrics, how can you sing them? Work on some of those sentences and reword them if necessary. It will help make sense to not only the singer and readers, but also the listeners. Remember that it's harder to comprehend audio than it is to read things. Listeners can easily reread, but it's hard to re-listen without ruining the experience of the song.

I just like this song. It's one of your better pieces, I think. I would love to know more about why the speaker and this other person are good for each other? It says over and over that they'd be good together, but I'd like to know why. I'd like to get a better feeling for the relationship. Whose side should I be on?

The bridge kinda introduced a new thought. I first thought the other person was a bit wary of this relationship, but the bridge implies they're on the same page. Take another look at that? Make the situation more clear and easier to relate to for the reader and listener.

That's all I've got for now. I'll see you around! Very nice work on this piece.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Picked you like raisins,

This is a bit of a weird line...

You like my humour.
I like yours as well.

This is a bit off-topic when you were just talking about her background.

I know I should be better for you if, I could.

You're happy, and so glad.
I'm glad we are on the same page.

You use "glad" twice. It might not matter if the tune can hide it well enough. Also, "You're so happy, and so glad." seems redundant? And I'm not quite sure of what you're trying to say.

So, cute song! I really wish I had the tune for it and could hear it ^.^
Keep writing,
Justa