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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
Aji! I'm here for you again for a review! This one's in response to this piece, Turning a Blind Eye, which I think is affecting and is quite a puzzle itself to decode...
Instead of focusing on how can this be sung and put up to a song, I'll critique more on what I've read as a written piece.
It's very noticeable that there is a theme of stalking here, which is uncommon to most lyrics. It is evident in some pieces, but rarely exemplified well. I think it is present here combined with some other themes like skittishness, primness and just a bit of anger. The concept confused me by a bit, though. If I'm right, it's about someone who is being stalked by another person who has a lot of fans, like an actor who really liked this girl who turned him down. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's the concept I see. In any angle, though, the topic was right there and you didn't lose it. So that's a point.
Open verse, if I'm right; you weren't following the traditional ways, which I think is very innovative both as a song and poem. There was a suggestive pattern, too, within the piece; but it's still different from others which exudes uniqueness. This creativity deserves a point.
On the organization, I think it became a bit confusing. The flow of the piece is some kind of conjoined memories and scenes where you've made a speech of. This speech, I believe was said to the person in question. The only confusion I saw was the transition of mood and story from stanza to stanza. First, there was a mistake in judgement, then on the later parts, there was the I-told-you-so! voice which makes the mood confusing. Make sure to proof the piece to check whether the whole of it is coherent. All-in-all, it had an okay sequence.
Now on the lines themselves. Although all of the lines is actually good, there are a few which didn't turn up effective . For example:
I'm not sure if the addressed changed the phrase "Ignorance's Bliss". Also, the transition of the second line to the third line seems strange when read. Another,
In this stanza, I think the person addressed had been placed in a positive position unlike the rest of the piece. Also, the voice became nearer as if the person she's addressing is in conversation with her, which quite opposes most of the piece.
Also, the line "You're not one of them cautious spies, yet you don't know what is right" gave me, as a reader, little impression since the lines' coherence is hard to identify. I do like the repetition of "Turning a blind eye", though. You can un-capitalize the three last lines, too, since they form one stanza.
That's all I think. There's no more for me to say
Your quick critic,
Alf