Go To Sleep

Call me dirty minded... but:
After
We love
Then that's my time to come (to come)
XD
You should put more sex into your work.

Kind of reminds me of 'Everyday I Love You Less and Less' by the Kaiser Chiefs.
'Every day I feel so weak.' Very British.

~Bloodink

Hey ^^
Well, I think what you did here is really good, but you asked for my opinion, right? So here it goes:
I think you should work more on the beginning... I really like the initial lines:

"I'll go
Will go
I'll go to endless sleep (will go)"

But put some more emotions on the following, just give us more information about what's going on.
About this:

"Every day I feel so light
Every day I'm feeling your eyes
Every day thinking 'bout my life,
"Well, all these people let me have my say"

I think it would sound better if it was "Every day I feel your eyes"... And the last line sounded out of place, at least on my head...
Well, I'm sorry if it wasn't thar helpful, but I like the rest of the song, except that I think you could write more and explain to us what is really happening.
But congratulation for your work. In my head it sounds great and with some improvements would be a hit ^^
Thanks for making me read it!

Ajt!

So I was rolling about in the blogs section and I found your album and I thought I'd come check this out. I must admit, I was surprised at what I found.

Meaning

Imagine my surprise when I read your blog first and then the poem. In your blog you suggest this song is about "losing my virginity and living with the consequences of casual sex" but I didn't see any of that in the lyrics. From the looks of this the song is about "anger at a past lover and not being able to communicate". O:

When I read your blog post it sounded like a decent song. You've got real emotions and events that mean, as a writer, you should be able to make these feelings come alive for the reader/listener. But instead the lyrics here on the page are rather disappointing. It's like you have so much to say but it doesn't reach the reader.

Unfortunately there's not any easy way to solve this. Perhaps you can workshop it -- play about with the words in your head and on the page. See if you can draw out the real meaning of the song and present it to the reader.

Controversy

It's not everything, man.

Try not to let "shocking" be the only thing people say about your writing. There needs to be substance and backbone too it. From reading your blog post it sounded like you had it. From reading the poem, perhaps not.

Also swearing and clever references are tools here. Don't overuse them or they become weak and dull. I actually really like the "Where is my time to come? (to come)" line, but again you could do more with this. Cleverness in song lyrics can be really satisfying. It's what makes me listen to certain songs over and over.

Try to give the controversy a reason and you'll be in business.

Feeling

There's a lot of anger and bitterness here. Perhaps you can try and showcase more than just these emotions. Contrast is a good thing, and it can be mirrored in the music for extra awegreatness.

You mention in your blog that this song is meant to be about the loss of virginity and realisation that it had meant nothing. That has gotta be one of the greatest contrasts! Maybe you can depict both sides, the before and after if you like. There is so much more potential to this than has yet been realised.


It takes time to write good music. A singer/songwriter friend says the hardest part is the lyrics, so keep working on them Ajt. Keep your meaning in mind and try not to get carried away by the controversy. If you can master that then you'll have something decent on your hands.

Good luck with the edits!

People won't let you have your say because nobody likes listening to whining. If you want people to listen, become worth listening to. Say something magical and amazing, and people will view you as magical and amazing. This applies to writing and to life equally.