i.
I surrender my heart to you
Wave my flags and abandon my fortress.
Is scary, you know.
Baring my naked heart for all to see.
Every crevice, crooks and crannies that carries
cobwebs of my darkness...
ii.
I surrender my heart to you
Take off the masks and show you my soul
Do you understand? The vulnerability that beats
Within each pulse?
Fear of pain, fear of loss and the unmerciful thrush
back into the shadowland where I've dwell for so long
iii.
I have surrender my heart to you
To cross the distance of oceans and land
I package it in a cellophane box, tape it white my naivety.
Closed it with my unshed tears
iv.
I beg you. Please. Take care of it.
For the label on the package reads 'fragile'...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi Flite,
TS here reviewing.
I really liked this piece; it had nice imagery, a lovely rhythm throughout and a nice use of vocab. The flow never faltered too, which is what I look for above all else in poetry. This poem seemed very passionate, which is one of the reasons it has such power behind it. Whether you're writing about surrendering your heart or eating a hot-dog you should always be passionate. Nice job in keeping the tone here, another thing which contributed to the impact of this piece. The tone was kind of desperate, like someone literally laying their heart on the line, waiting for it to be accepted or rejected. It was sad, and the fact that it was constant kept us intrigued.
As for the bad parts, there weren't very many at all. I liked your descriptions, your rhythm, the way you got into your own poetry. The only things I didn't like were small but important. I know this has no effect on my opinion of you as a poet, but spelling mistakes disrupt the flow of the piece. You need to change the word 'dwell' to 'dwelled' in the second stanza. Also, when you say 'surrender', it should be 'surrendered'. There was another instance at the end of the first stanza where you got your plurals and singulars mixed up. You need to fix these mistakes and watch out for them in the future.
Overall, it was a very nice piece, and please maintain this level of depth in your future works. Keep writing.
Yours in ink,
The Shauzer.
Hello! Thanks for your review, where did you dig this up? O_O I posted it ages ago. I'm glad you liked it.
Review day
Digging deep for poems, glad I found this one.
Hello!
The name of it fits perfectly! I couldn't find anything wrong with it! Great job! Keep writing! 
I love this! Very delicate piece, or fragile, you might say.
-Snazzy
Hey there, Delirium here to give a review!
First of all, wow. This poem is really intriguing and different. I found it interesting how you used the roman numerals to separate the stanzas. This is something I haven't seen very much.
You also have a very well developed comprehension of rhythm, and your word choice is excellent. There are a few grammatical errors, such as where you use "surrender" instead of "surrendered," and "dwell" vs. "dwelled." However, perhaps these are intentional.
I love these lines so much. "Unmerciful thrush" is such an intriguing line, and the way it just rolls off of the tongue makes me shiver. Excellent, excellent work.
I look forward to reading more of your work, and keep on writing
xx- Delirium
Hi, I see you must be new here. Anyway, this is the first review I have done in a long time, and logically it is when I am supposed to be studying.
We encounter numerous grammatical mistakes here as well as an inconsistency in tense which break the flow of... whatever this is. A poem I think, though it seems to be written as more of a miniature opera in four acts with no beginning and no music and no actors and no end.
Anyway
Are you in present or past tense? You need to establish one or the other. You can't have both. You can only pick one so don't be greedy.
You do this throughout the whole poem with no consistancy.
*Uses the stick I was sharpening and stabs this sentence seven time in the head and twice in the stomach, chops it up and mails it to your deceased great grandmother on the other side of hell*
Grammar.
Grammar.
Grammar.
Just saying I have multiple faces to wear more than one mask too. Also my heart can fit 3 masks on it at once.
Well I guess this isn't so bad, just something to point out.
No. bad. grammar. Bad. Tense. Bad.
I have surrendered my heart to you.
I have to surrender my heart to you.
Also tense of the line after that.
I've seen what you can write in your novel. Good grammar. Good descriptions. It seems that perhaps this poem speaks of a half hearted love; forced by hand from battle, and compelled to surrender to an enemy. A love that is built upon a past of insecurity and conflict and that is doomed to fail forever. Now where did I put that stick?