Stars of ink

Hello Insanesuptlety! Every word I write is points for red team!
This is a lovely poem. I see your lack of punctuation is a clever poetic device that I have never understood, and, as the rhythm works well without, I will not pester you on your lack of it. Rather I shall pester you on your incontinence. For you have a comma after "therein lies". I don't mind too much about punctuation either way, but really, if you are using a device commit to it.
The other (evil) criticism I have is the connotations of the last line. It is a well known cliche (as is the nature of cliches) to have an ink black sky. Therefore ink and stars just sound wrong. Sorry if this is a clever poetic device I have overlooked.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!

Wow. This is fantastic. The imagery is breathtaking, and I especially love the last stanza.
"Far
Far"

You conveyed so much meaning with just two words. Amazing. Truly amazing. I also love how you portrayed constellations - having meaning, secret meaning, looked for by many generations, so obvious and yet uncaptured, and one wonders whether the meaning was ever really there.

I may have gotten that last bit incorrect, but that's how I saw it, and I love it. And I still love it even if I am incorrect! I would attempt to create a helpful critique, but unfortunately ( ) I see nothing at all in need of it! I hope you have written many poems, because I really want to read them.

Hi there,

So most people have already said what I was going to say so I'll just add an a few bits. I thought this was lovely, and actually sounded like something I would have wanted to written, which I don't say a lot.

It's definitely one of the best works I've read in the last week or two on this site so well done, you should be proud of yourself. Judging by the amount of likes, I'd say other people agree with me too.

I loved the descriptive and vivid language you used, especially the unusual structure you employed. The italics and starting 'far' on the new line worked really well, so that was nice to see. I read this over a few times I enjoyed it that much!

Well done and keep writing, because if you are 15, you really have talent. I couldn't write anything like this last year, never mind when I was 15, all those years ago.

H.L.P

This is one of the best poems I've read on this site to be honest. You are extremely talented, and I dearly hope you pursue publishing.
Sorry that I couldn't suggest anything! Have a lovely night!

Timmy here for a quick review!

So this was beautiful, very descriptive, but not overly. It had a wonderful flow to it as well. I loved the title! It just drew me innnnnn...
Onto your review now.

I will hit a few spots to critique, if I can!

I am a trifle bit embarrassed here. I have read it over several times and I can't find any spots where it is ackward to read or misspelled words... So I will end with praise, instead!

The only thing I can say to this is that you should write more, and more, and then write some more. You have a lot of talent. This will definitely get a like from me! Checking out,
~Timmyjake

Beautiful~

Hey XD

I don't know where to begin here. So...
line by line XD

Worm trails in black - this is really strong. Great start.

Across a field of white - the monochromatic contrast between black and white is really clever. Well done.

Weaving an age-old tapestry - silk worms! And history. Beautiful twist.

Of lambent stars and sable ink - archaic language. < 3333




Paraphernalia of silken tears - this seems like a sad work now. Aww

All coated in shades of ivory white - the description focused on colour works well here.

That forays amongst an ink black shore - I love the diction 'frays' is such a good choice.

Seeking for seashells of ingrained stars - the alliteration is fantastic too.




But - AH HA! You have played around with the formatting here to portray ideas. A brilliant choice. It helps the reader focus on each individual point at a time and I love it.

Look beyond the rolling hills and roaring sea
- This is written so well it is like I am looking at a painting

Far

- the literal distance between the words is an ingenious representation. Well done.

Far

Above the sky and sea

For therein lies,

Constellations of age-old secrets

All written out

In stars of ink - I am going to analyse this last stanza collectively, because it was difficult to pinpoint highlights. I was wondering before I started reading, exactly what the stars of ink were. And upon reading I wasn't sure right until the end. You kept your reader guessing. Good job.

You have a lovely, classical writing style and your use of diction, punctuation etc. is flawless.

Kudos.

~BSF

Strange here and I have got a quickie review for you.
I ended up liking this poem. I wouldn't call it great, but enjoyable. The story somewhat becomes muddled near the middle but finished out strong. I felt totally buckled in, but then I hit a semi-truck, I'm about to be launched out, then it gets good again.
Overall, I liked this
Strange gives you.......
7.4/10
Good job
Stay groovy

This was good. I liked your symbolism in the first stanza,

"Worm trails in black

Across a field of white

Weaving an age-old tapestry

Of lambent stars and sable ink"

Using "worm" makes it seem a bit morbid, and I'm not sure if that's what you wanted, but it paints a very clear picture.

"Paraphernalia of silken tears"

I love this line and what it brings to mind. Very beautiful indeed. But then it starts to get repetitive.

"Across a field of white"

"All coated in shades of ivory white"

"Weaving an age-old tapestry"

"Constellations of age-old secrets"

It's not bad, but it just kind of says the same thing again, though I think it would be easy to change if you are inclined to.

But with that aside, I like the premise of the poem, and the ending line.

Thank you SubtleSanity!