Subdued blue light penetrated the night,
And the blank screen that spoke
Of the unheard promise.
Eyelids closed, in soundless sighs ,
As teardrops slid down
In a serpentine trail .
Splattering into shattered inklings,
Onto the ink-black words.
That scorched into my
gelatin heart
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139,786 Literary Works • 672,767 Reviews
Hey there Subtle! Alex here to review your poem!
Wow! I loved this! The imagery in this is very powerful and descriptive! My favourite line has to be about how the teardrops slide down your face in a serpent like manner! I can see you spent a lot of time on this or were deeply inspired!
I loved the second stanza but I wasn't sure what the first added to the poem. I didn't really understand what you were trying to portray in the first one. The second one would work on it's own as a standalone too! I think there is such thing as too much imagery that you can't really understand what's going on.
Finally one nitpick; you need a full stop at the end
Overall, great poem! I loved the second stanza! <3
xD, Thank you!
This is definitely all about the sounds huh?
Ok, let's see here. Ten line poem.
Considering this seems to be more about the sounds than the symbols or the message, I'm going to focus on that first.
I kept getting tripped up on the third line because I expected "of unheard promises" instead of "of the unheard promise." The reason I think I expected that was because of all of the s sounds. To eliminate one of the s sounds you potentially could have had seems counter-intuitive.
In the next section it seems like we're switching from the electronic device to the person, which I like. However, in this section I don't really like how much you use the s sound. I think that it sort of creates too much attention to the sound and blends everything a little too much. In painting it's called "muddying it up" because you've taken a lot of really pretty things, and mixed them all together until they can't really stand out on their own. This may be why the affect JCS got was very pretty cryptic lines that work well alone.
I would suggest switching to a different consonant after about three. In other words, after "In a serpentine trail" switch to T or something else that's soft like s. L is a good one, v, r, f, are all good. Basically your fricatives which you can find more information about here with the side combination of this.
I also would recommend changing either inklings or ink-black. That's too much ink for back to back. Just because inklings has nothing to do with ink doesn't mean we don't see the word there and associate the meaning with something else.
Last but not least, I really love how you've got such a great roll going with this poem. I like the message. You could use some punctuation work but that's pretty easy to do. Just watch when you're putting things up from a pad to YWS to make sure the punctuation remains the same. Most of the time pads add extra spaces somehow.
I can't wait to see how this turns out after edits.
Hi, J.C. here for a review!
To begin with, I've always loved cryptic language, mostly because it's mysterious and you can get so much out of just one line. While there is always the deeper, main meaning that the writer wishes to express, you can interpret it almost any way you wish, and still be right.
Contradictions in language, such as this, are always an added bit of entertainment and joy when reading a poem. Oxy-morons are not only fin to read, but they also play along with the cryptic feel, which is intriguing. You never can be sure exactly what the writer meant, so it leaves you to wonder, to ponder.
Two things to say about this part of the poem. Firstly, using the word 'ink,' or a form of it, one after the other like this takes just a little bit away from the poem. It's not a huge error, but in such a short poem I like to see free flowing, non-repeating language.
Secondly, right before this first line you ended a thought process with a period, but because of the language you use, that same thought is continued in the first line, then ended abruptly in the second. I feel that these last four lines should all be one sentence. This would make the flow, flow.
Other than that, I quite enjoyed reading this. Job well done!
Thank you SubtleSanity!
Hello there!
Firstly, I'd like to say what a lively piece of work this was to read
And secondly, I'd like, to point out that this will, in fact, be a review.
So, let's begin.
The were a few lapses in punctuation, nothing too major.
For example, where you said "Eyelids closed, in soundless sighs ," you left a space between the word "sighs" and the comma.
You've also made a similar mistake in the sentence "In a serpentine trail ."
In that sentence, you left a space between the word "serpentine" and trail.
I wouldn't say that these are major problems, but when writing a piece of work it's always good to go back and proof read it and make sure that you haven't left any errors.
I think that perhaps another error could be the final two lines.
"That scorched into my" could, or quite possibly should, be instead written as "That are scorched into my"
However, I think I've moaned enough now hehe
Allow me to move on to the many positives of this piece
Positives that, by far, outweigh the negatives
The first couple of lines rhyme in a nice way and roll off of the tongue nicely when read aloud.
You display an advanced vocabulary and the piece of writing overall displays a nice little story.
In laces, the piece of work is a little obscure but that can be seen as a plus as much as it can be seen as a minus.
Overall, I think the next time you write the best thing to do is look back and check for any errors. That's really the only piece of advice I'd give you as, in mammy ways, this piece of work was both beautiful, intriguing and flawless.
Well done and keep writing.
I hope to see more wonderful work from you soon.