Young Writers Society

Hey it's Caite swinging by with a review for you. First of all I want to say I love the rhyming and I love the overall ideal of the poem. Personally I would change the lol part I feel like it doesn't make much sense. Overall I love the message in your poem. The flow and word choice is spectacular. but that's just personally that's just me. Keep up the great work love your writing.

this is what i have to say about this is

first: this poem is about love and some of us love music like this so yea this poem is going to have a couple of people loving this.

Second: half of it is about man is made but trying to find love.

third: but yea this poem is going to make Everybody to love this.

Hello, I hope this Review finds you well!
This is a really clever poem! I really enjoyed your use of figurative language, as well as some of your rhymes throughout the poem! "Pursuit" "Recruit" "Parachute" and "Dilute" stood out to me, specifically. I do wish that it was a tad more consistent, which might help with the flow a little bit, but honestly, it was pretty great!
I did find "Lol" to be a little out of place, and I thought that there should've been a comma between "Too raw" and "I need a dilute"
But other than those nitpicks, I really enjoyed this! You had an excellent concept, and you executed it extremely well! Keep on writing, and have a great day!

Hi there! It looks like you are new to YWS, and already posting poetry! That's great! I'll be using one of the common reviewing methods on the site called the "Review Sandwich" to take a look at your poem. You can read more about that method: here.

Specific Positives - Top Bread
First, on the positives, I enjoyed that you are playing with different metaphors than one usually expects from a love poem! You've delved into a few that aren't typical or cliche ones we see repeated again and again in poems. Some of the ones that surprised me were "love is like a parachute" - that's really inventive, and also painted an image in my head, love it!

You wove these different metaphors all throughout the poem, and even had some light sound devices here and there too. Like the repeated rhyme between "recruit" and "parachute" - using sound devices like that, especially at the ends of the lines really ties the poem together and makes each line feel more purposeful I think. I believe even more sound devices like consonance, alliteration, and rhyme throughout would bring this poem to the next level.

Specific Critiques / Areas of Improvement - Meat
My main critique with the poem, is there were maybe too many varied metaphors so we didn't really linger on really one theme, and so it felt a bit like a love-soup instead of a love-story. It was hard to get a real sense of exactly what the speaker was feeling about there love because each metaphor didn't connect to the next one and kept jumping around. One thing you could try is focusing on one metaphor and really drawing that out through the whole piece to get one unifying message that the reader can follow, or you could try weaving the metaphors all together or keeping them all in the same imagery family. What I mean is that imagery is good, but in a single poem you want all the images to feel like they could happen in the same world so they can relate to each other and play together. (you wouldn't put a dancing wizard cat in a historical-non-fiction story, just like you wouldn't want celestial imagery in a poem about construction typically) pick an imagery family like nature, or travel, or anatomy, or a room and then stick with just images that relate to that theme and your whole poem will feel much more unified. A good example of a poem where all the imagery is in the same family is @queenshadowgem's poem "apple of my eye" where all the imagery is food/candy related - it really makes the poem feel connected and build one wholistic picture instead of a disconnected collage.

I think you have some great starting points with the imagery so I'm excited to see where it goes!

A small formatting critique is line 4 could use some line breaks for continuity with the rest of the piece - that line got awfully long and sort of draws attention unnaturally to that line.

Overview / Conclusion - Bottom Bread
Overall, you've got a lot to say about love, and are going in some creative directions that I think will intrigue readers! I think you have some great points to jump off of, my main suggestion is just to see if you can stream line the story a bit more and get the poem to feel like one unified piece. I think you're off to a great start and wish you luck in revising and continuing to write! Keep at it! I'm eager to read what you write next.

~ A