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E - Everyone Language

Heart ache

by Apehdavid2, Apehdavid2


If I die, light a candle

Yeah that's right I died I'm feeble

This life I realized is terrible

Remember this article

This is a real life fear

Smiling though pain and tears

The prize you've been given is not free

The price is your freedom

Lol, this is his kingdom

Save my soul Lord From fire but not my lips

My joy has no beginning

I've tried all the lean

But still my life no meaning

The last option now is

To lean to (God)

Thought of shooting myself in the head

No there would be too much (blood)

Lord help purify me like you did with a (flood)

Yes I know that sharp pain crossing your heart

That's how I (felt)

Always , I know soon I'll self destruct

What is this pain , (An inner melt)


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2108 Reviews


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Reviews: 2108

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Sat Sep 04, 2021 6:14 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review here!! Soo...small disclaimer, I'm not the best at reviewing songs and such, but this is for the checklist challenge so here we go, I'll try and sort of tell you what I felt from this.

Anyway let's get right to it,

If I die, light a candle

Yeah that's right I died I'm feeble

This life I realized is terrible

Remember this article

This is a real life fear

Smiling though pain and tears

The prize you've been given is not free

The price is your freedom

Lol, this is his kingdom

Save my soul Lord From fire but not my lips

My joy has no beginning

I've tried all the lean

But still my life no meaning

The last option now is

To lean to (God)

Thought of shooting myself in the head

No there would be too much (blood)

Lord help purify me like you did with a (flood)

Yes I know that sharp pain crossing your heart

That's how I (felt)

Always , I know soon I'll self destruct

What is this pain , (An inner melt)


Okayyy...I think I'm going to have to read this one at least a couple of times for me to fully understand what this is trying to say here, but I feel like the general gist that I get from this at first glance is of a person that's suffering somewhat from some kind of pain they have about life in general.

Reading through this another couple of times, it seems to be phrased as some form of plea for help from God here as this person experiences some thoughts of almost ending their life it appears with this pain that they appear to be going through. The pain itself is something that isn't too clear to me. From what I can personally decipher here it seems to be a fairly generalized problem they're facing with life rather than anything specific but that could just be me not fully understanding things here.

Sooo...yeah, that's about what I managed to glean here. Its a pretty neat little piece here, and you get a real sense of the fact that this person appears to be going through some really tough times here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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326 Reviews


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Fri Sep 03, 2021 8:14 pm
Horisun wrote a review...



Hello, and Happy Review Month!
Right off the bat, I have to mention how much I adored some of your metaphors. Specifically the "Lord, help purify me like you with a flood", coupled with the fact that you rhymed "Blood" in the previously line, this specific stanza was excellent.
I also really loved the alliteration you used, with "Price" and "Prize" That was extremely clever, and really helped with the overall flow!
If I'm honest though, I didn't really see how this was humorous. I almost get the feeling it was mislabeled? The "Lol" felt extremely out of place. Especially when you appear to be tackling themes like free will.
And, as the previous reviewer mentioned, your rhyme scheme is a tad inconsistent. Even if you have some great rhymes throughout, having a consistent pattern can make a poem overall more satisfying for your readers.
Other than that, though, I thought you did a great job! Belated welcome to the Young Writers Society! Keep on writing, and have an awesome day!




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Fri Sep 03, 2021 2:25 pm
FireEyes wrote a review...



Hello Apehdavid2! Incoming review!

I guess I'll start with critique. While the use of humor and darker themes are supposed to clash, I personally think it clashes in a bad way. There is a delicate line of dark humor in writing, and if you cross that it comes across as disrespect to the subject. I will commend you for trying to tackle this type of writing, though.

Another thing is a rhyming scheme. I don't know if you were really going for something but in the beginning there are some rhymes in places, but it isn't consistent. But as we later go on in the lyrics, we get a more consistent flow of rhymes. It just feels slightly chaotic in the earlier portion of the lyrics, with no beat to give it context. But I could attribute this as chaos in thoughts before you passed on.

Okay, now that I'm done with critique, let me get on with praising your work.

Thought of shooting myself in the head

No there would be too much (blood)

Lord help purify me like you did with a (flood)
I really like this part. The part about shooting yourself ties in with the previous parts about how the life you live is terrible. And as I said, dark humor in writing is hard to capture, but right here with the line, "No there would be too much (blood)," does it well. And the way you tie in the flood is really great. It's also like the flood would be cleaning up the blood that would be there if you were to shoot.

But anyway that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of this useful! Have a great time here on YWS and I hope to see more works from you! Anyway byeeeeeee

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Fri Sep 03, 2021 2:55 am
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IMK wrote a review...



Hello, IMK here for a review.

This poem was beautiful is my first thought. I love the emotion put into it, and I love the use of parentheses even though it confuses me a little.

Glows:
- I love the subtle rhyming even though there isn't a pattern
- The parenthesis is really intriguing even though I dont get it
- I really like how every now and then you put in a bit of conversational text, like Yeah that's right or lol

Grows:
- My biggest peeve is capitalization in the line "Lol, this is his kingdom"
- The final lines "Always , I know soon I'll self destruct / What is this pain , (An inner melt)" should be written
"Always, I know soon I'll self destruct / What is this pain, (an inner melt)"
-
-
-


Other than that, I think your poem was perfect. I cant think of any more specific glows, but i really love the flow and the use of The prize/The price.
.

- IMK



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Apehdavid2 says...


Thanks imk I have a few coming would be glad to get your thoughts again on them




I am and always will be optimist, the hoper of far-flung hopes, the dreamer of improbable dreams.
— 11th Doctor