Young Writers Society

Hi! This is a really interesting poem; let me get right into the review.

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Stuck in a dream

This is an interesting opening; I know for novels and the like, starting with a dream isn't advised but it seems like it could work really well here in a poem.

The dream seems vague but still it's overall message was as apparent as it can be

This is one of the few lines that didn't quite work for me. I think I get what this is communicating, but perhaps it would help if it was conveyed metaphorically, or with an image? Perhaps a mountain seen through stained glass, someone shining a torch to see an empty starless sky, a wildfire seen through thick smoke.... (those were the best I could think of off the top of my head, but I don't think they're quite what you'd want unfortunately)

The dream was without color

No color, not black not gray

Definitely not white no color

One color inverting the other

Hmm. Perhaps the repetition is a slight issue here, and I'm not quite sure how to picture a color inverting another, but the repetition does add to the sense of being lost or deprived of meaning in a way (like someone looking for a colored world, failing to find it and repeating this to themselves in denial?)

I'm trying to give what I see meaning

But the harder I try the more meaningless it seem

Perhaps breaking up the last line into two verses might work better? I like the idea here, but I think it might work better, at least for me, if it was expressed more indirectly or metaphorically? (Perhaps the narrator could say this about the words in the book of their life? That kind of context would really help make this more concrete)

I asked myself is this the pictorial view of actual nothingness

Another line that didn't quite work for me. To me, this felt a bit too long and abstract. I guess the idea was to have the narrator look out on life and ask if what they saw was a picture of true/absolute nothingness? Perhaps a better analogy might be the sound of a tree falling when no one's there to hear it, or the last entry of a diary unknowingly written with an empty pen? A concrete stand-in for what actual nothingness might look like would help, but feel free to ignore this if it doesn't fit your intent with these lines.

I realized this isn't darkness or light

I heard a voice say this dream is life

I really like these lines!

Life is an actual indication of nothing

We live to die

These lines were a bit too on the nose for me, and the last line felt a bit too abrupt for a line in the middle of the poem (it might work as an ending?). Perhaps something like "For all that lives is born to die" might be better for the last line? Just a suggestion though, please feel free to ignore this; don't want to interfere with your phrasing.

Regarding the first line, I think I get what it's trying to convey, and it seems good; perhaps it would pack more of a punch expressed more metaphorically? "Life is the sign signifying nothing"? "Life is the map, leading by the straight and crooked path, to no place, by the roads that lead to nowhere"? (Again, these just some examples to illustrate what I mean; please ignore them if they aren't helping you)

I, then saw myself in a trance

Minor nitpick, but the comma doesn't seem necessary there.

Going back to see historic people that passed through life

By even in my trance I can't see a thousand generation before

Hmm. Again, the idea here seems to be solid. Only nitpicks would be plural "generations" and, perhaps "to see people of the past that passed..." would work better than "historic people"? Because, to me, historic doesn't quite convey the idea of "of the past" somehow.

It gave me an understanding that no matter when we must be forgotten sooner or later

Another line that I had trouble with. I really appreciate the idea here, and it does work well given the topic, but it's a bit more direct than I prefer I guess? Perhaps something like "It showed to me, in every Age of time, we must be forgotten in the end"?

I saw a girl walking down a staircase from the sky down to earth and light focused only on here; the further she goes the things behind her are left in the dark .

Oooh. I quite like the image here, reminds me of Stairway to Heaven (but really inverted in a way) https://youtu.be/QkF3oxziUI4

The things under the light with her as she moves is just like our existence as we're alive we are under the radar as we seem to grow,live then die, slowly the radar leaves us, we're forgotten left in ultimate darkness, but here not Darkness as in black, I mean the actual nothingness

Hmm, this feels like a prose intermission in the poem, which could work I think. My issue here is that it feels like it's telling the reader what the poem's meant to mean, in a way? Perhaps phrasing it literally, so it's a metaphor might work better? So something like "The debris of our existence in life under the light, as she moves. We are the blips on a radar as we seem to grow and live, and then as the radar leaves us, die; left in darkness that is nothingness, not even black." But again, this is just as example; I can't say if it's anywhere close to what you're intending here.

Life ultimately is without meaning.

I do like how direct this is, but perhaps the idea of it being "ultimately" without meaning could do with more buildup? So perhaps some lines just before this about peeling away the layers, digging to the bottom, of Life, and then the line here about finding it without meaning?

I then saw people committing suicide

This quite a sensitive aspect, so I'm really unsure about this, but perhaps this would pack more of a punch (it does pack a punch as it is though) if we get at least an indirect or subtle image (falling in nooses made by their own hands?)

I got the message here clealy that those people understood this before me

I like the idea here about a final, terminal message that convinces people to give up on life (as a literary thing, obviously); I know I must've repeated this a lot, but perhaps making it more concrete would help? "I saw that signs that they had seen" ?

The harder we try to live life the harder we're forgotten

They discovered that no matter when, we must be forgotten then they decided to make it quicker

This felt simple and direct in way that felt like it did work, especially when I thought about it a bit. Quite nice.

I admired their vision,their understanding of life

Hmm. nitpicking again, but it seems almost contradictory to me to discuss an understanding of life given the theme of nihilism that's in the rest of the poem? I realize in context that this understanding is of the sort that fits nihilism, but even just the idea of "understanding of life" feels a bit odd here is all.

I saw footballers and I couldn't get the message I asked why do I see footballers

The voice answered;football Is a small glimpse of what life is

Great Footballers inspire younger footballers to make people forget them

This is another portion that somehow didn't quite work for me. It feels like you've portrayed this idea you're giving an analogy for so well in the rest of the poem, the analogy with football almost seems redundant? Perhaps this might work as an opening to the poem? Another nitpick would be the voice answering you; it seems a bit counter to the nihilism to have a voice give you any answer at all, is my issue.

Life is an endless circle of nothingness

I appreciate the idea here; for me personally, it really would work better if it was more concrete; perhaps a closed circle of tarmac in a desert, down which we walk, waiting to get to our "destination"? I know I must've repeated this point so many times; I don't know if this is just a strong personal preference, but I do thing it would help.

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Final thoughts;

My main issues were not enough being conveyed indirectly or via imagery, and just being told the abstract meanings that you're aiming to communicate.

I like the theme of nihilism and how you really hammer it in, with stuff like life being a dream, and the great images you use when you do use imagery (more please! ).