I'm in love with poison

We started dating towards the end of my sophomore year. You were electric, the smallest smile made me laugh. Every hug felt like you piecing back all the broken parts of me, I hated being touched, but by you it was how I survived. I was going through things, I hated everyone. I was angry. A month after we started dating you went to basic, you and I sat on the phone for three hours crying. You didn't want to go anymore, I didn't want you to. But if you stayed there was no where that you could sleep. I sent at least 13 letters in those two months, you being gone felt like it was killing me. You sneaked a few phone calls and just the sound of your breath, your laugh made me temporary relieved. You came back a little early and we started school, October 10th, you called me and said you kissed an old friend and I didn't argue you because I couldn't speak. Two days later you dropped out of school and moved up north with her. You didn't tell me, I found out from someone you made me be friends with. I started taking pills, I took 1600 miligrams worth of stuff one day, I don't remember thinking I did it to die. I was tired of feeling like I was on the verge of a breakdown every second, I didn't want to feel anymore. I don't remember most of that day, I blacked out in almost every class. You told me if I stopped you would talk to me again, but if I didn't. You would never speak to me again. You came over a few days after my grandmother's funeral, I told you I cried. Not for her, not for me. But because I felt so alone. That the entire length of the funeral I grasped the necklace you gave me to keep me okay. You had called a few times telling me you made a mistake, that you missed me, that you loved me. And I needed you. So I forgave you. Around Christmas time we got back together, you didn't tell me her name was tattooed on your hand. You came back towards the end of February, you were homeless. You bounced from friend to friend to friend. That killed me. I couldn't take you in, I couldn't help you. You went into a shelter and you changed, you changed so much. I did too I guess. You became depressed, short tempered, you became so bipolar at times that I felt that it was me that was crazy. We fought so much, I couldn't help you but it didn't seem like you were even trying for something better. I had sensed that we were slowing dying out. I was starting to depend on someone else. You would sneak into school to see me, surprise me. I would get you into one of my classes saying you were helping me with a project. I loved you with every part that I had. Every wall was gone. But at times I remembered that you had left me before and some nights I couldn't let that go. I fought you more and more and we grew apart. You left again with another girl and I started dating one of your friends. During the first few months I was angry,  and then I wasnt. I missed you, I felt like I was empty. Like the soul had been ripped out of me. You came over one night during the summer and you and I didn't think about who we had at home. It was just us. A month later I ran away with you in the middle of the night. Me so sheltered and afraid I ran with you. When the police lights came, you left me. You left me alone. I walked 12 miles barefoot to find you. I wanted to make sure you were safe, to this day I don't know how I knew where you were. Just a guess. I knocked on the door and you let me in. We slept in the backseat of your girlfriends car, in a parking lot. You dropped me off without saying a word. Then you told everyone that I was crazy and none of that happened. You went silent for two months I heard nothing but my own thoughts and I went crazy. I filled an entire journal of everything I had to say to you. I saw you a few days before my 18th birthday, the day you were going to take me away and make everything better. I gave you that journal. Sometimes I regret it. Other times it makes me happy for you to feel the pain you caused me. We didn't talk for almost four months,  and then this past summer again we did the over the phone flirting, like we were together but we weren't. You told me that you had gotten your girlfriend knocked up and I offered to send money if you needed it.  Then you told me you wanted to be more than friends, let me be a secret again. I told you no, that I wasn't going to be the reason your child grows up without a dad and that I wasn't going to play house while you live with someone else and raise a kid. That it wasn't fair to me that I couldn't be with anyone but you would get me and her and that was ok. It's now been 3 months since we've talked and I miss you again. And I'm not sure if I miss talking to you and laughing, I know I miss your hugs and your sarcasm. I miss me saying forever and always and you saying all eternity. I miss being happy. Truly physcoticly happy with you. I don't want to be second place. I don't want to be the exception to the cheating rule, that you'll only cheat on them with me because I don't believe you. I want all or none...but I do want you. And I feel like I will never be able to let you go. Two years ago you said no one will ever know me as good as you do, and no one will ever love me as much as you can. But I wonder if you even love me? Or is it the 3000 messages I re read every so often just a figment of what used to be and could never be again.