I wanted the ink
To seep like rain into the ground.
I wanted “Forever and Always”
Clinging desperately like a scared child on my back.
A reminder of the promise I made to you,
All those years ago. We’ve been through
Battles. Too many to count, too many to ever truly
Know the score. The field has never been even.
You were quicker, patient.
Plotting every move before I even realized
There was a fight. I wanted to remember to
Still say “I love you too”, even if I was angry.
After all these battles, the wind whispered a secret in my ear,
The only time you ever said “I love you,”
Was when I was waving the white flag.
Giving in to your every need,
So after this heartbreak battle, war and fight.
I’ve decided on a new reminder for us.
Love is War at Peace.
And with you,
I am done fighting.
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139,481 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
Beautiful.
Simply Beautiful.
You've obviously been hurt, and captured those emotions perfectly in this poem. I love the metaphors you've used to represent the friendship you once had. How it was like a war, and you didn't notice the truth for the longest time. How the wind had to whisper the truth to you.
I know that I'm not alone when I relate to this poem. Whether it be the hidden sadness, or merely the war fought.
I did notice the grammatical errors, but i feel as if they fit in with the poem itself. Almost as if they perfectly capture the youth that that was tricked in the battle that is an untrue friendship.
If all of your poetry perfectly captures the beauty that is emotions like this one, you're gifted. I hope to see more from you.
Good luck to you.
I read a line, and do not like it; then I read it again, and find it beautiful. Terribly odd.
Take with salt; mind the edges.
I should preface this by saying I like the theme of your poem - and the usage of a tattoo as a window into heartbreak is quite cool. But there are a few things that didn't get along so well in my head.
The object is implicitly shared between the clauses concerning "the ink" and "the rain," such that, when at first I read these lines, I think the ink is seeping into the ground, just as rain does. It is not hard to add an object for the ink to seep into: "...ink/to seep into my skin/like rain into the ground", for instance.
Preposition misuse. "on" --> "to." Otherwise, "Forever and Always" is clinging to who knows what, as there's no object, and doing so "like a scared child on [your] back;" I think you mean the words are clinging "like a scared child" to your back.
Did that make sense? Just trust me that "on" should be "to," if not. I promise I'm not lying.
I cannot immediately surmise how speed and patience go together here.
I think you mean "You" patiently waits for opportunity, and is quick to exploit it - but the structure here does not quiiite get me there.
"battle," "war," and "fight" all kinda mean the same thing here. And a battle is a fight in a war, so it's odd to see these used synonymously to begin with.
More cryptic and awkward than saying "Love is Armistice."
The ending is great. The finality is powerful, and the changing tattoo is an effective character. It's a poem far from perfect, but the message is clear and relevant. So... kudos.
Be forever hortatory,
~Skorlir
This was an absolutely beautiful poem, with a great message. Heartbreak and injustice and abuse is difficult to deal with, but you illustrated it in such a beautiful way. You've taken all of the feelings and made it something wonderful and it's something everyone can relate to. Everyone has felt this way, but I love how you channeled it. It has a stronger message than just saying "I've been through it too."
One word: DAMN.
That...was possibly one of the best poems I've read here on YWS. Honestly.
Why? Dear lord, the way you phrased every line, your vocabulary, the grammar, the message, EVERYTHING seemed almost perfect!
Alright, I'm gonna stop fangirling now. The message, or shall I say, story, is a well-known story. Girl loves guy, guy acts like an ass, leads girl on, girl finally learns her lesson, girl leaves guy feeling both sad, but empowered, yeah yeah, it's done a lot. But, just the way you write it makes it seem depressing, but somehow uplifting at the end. That is very hard to do, as normally a story such as this only sticks to one of the spectrums; sad or empowering. So, for you to meld the two as you did is an exceptional undertaking that you did flawlessly.
*Applause*
Phrasing is nice, though I will admit there were two places where it just felt odd. Idk if that's just me, but I thought I'd mention it. You can look through it and make your own conclusion, I just thought I'd point that out.
Vocabulary is great, there's a good mix of advanced language and common language. Always nice to see.
So yeah, long story short, technically you're pretty sound, but in terms of telling a story, you did amazing.
I hope to continue reading great poems like this!
~Maddie