the last time

Hi lilliana,

Thanks so much for requesting a review! I'm sorry this took me a while to get to, but I'm here now! Looking forward to this c:

your eyes
i remember the way they used to
light up like stars
when i walked into the room
~~~
i miss the way you looked for me
when we both arrived
how you would run towards me
your touch i would no longer be deprived

I like how you've got the eyes/looked theme going in both of these stanzas. The last line kind of confuses me, though. It seems like you're forcing a rhyme between "arrived" and "deprived" but your other verses don't rhyme so it's not clear to me why you're trying for it here? It makes this last line seem awkward and out of place. Because like the rest of this is active language, but this switches to be more passive.

The first line also reads a teeny bit awkward. Like it's good as is! It just reads a little weird because it seems to be a dangling statement by itself. Maybe work with it a bit have the first line be more like

i remember the way your eyes used to

Or something? That way we've got the same vibes as the second stanza, but doesn't have the "your eyes" by itself as the first line? I think that would improve your flow a bit.

you used to hug me tight
like i might disappear
no matter how long it’s been
now it’s been a year

I REALLY like these first two lines. It's really beautiful imagery and evoked emotion from me and I really liked reading it. I think punctuation would be your friend in the last two lines. Like, I know in poetry punctuation is 100% a stylistic choice, so no worries either way, but I think it would be in your favor here. Maybe also change the tense so that the last two lines are more like:

no matter how long it'd been;
but now it's been a year.

"It's" seems more present tense, which doesn't fit with the "used to" in the first line or the past tense vibes of the last line. I think a semi-colon or even a dash would slow us down a little bit before the last line, and maybe adding a "but" or another transitional word would make it clearer that this is supposed to be a sharp contrast?

like a statue frozen in time

I really like this imagery! Great job <33

but soon i melted in your embrace

not seeing your lies

I also particularly like this imagery!!

your giant hands squeezed my thigh

I'm honestly having a hard time envisioning how he did this without it being super awkward? Like you have them standing on a porch at first so how would he reach down to squeeze her thigh?

we stood on my front porch
in the cold November air
you hugged me first by my waist
then under my derrière

This is another place where the rhyme feels a little force. Like, the rest of your language in this poem doesn't fit with bringing in a french word here. It feels like you're trying to rhyme derriere with air, but you don't have a consistent rhyme scheme throughout, so I don't think that's super necessary here? It kind of surprised me and pulled me out of the vibes of the poem because I wasn't expecting it.

Maybe play with that line a bit so you don't have to be crass and use the word "butt" in your poem lol but you could be like "then lifted me into your arms" or something like that?

“i love you”
you never hesitated
but your response,
it was much belated

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse at this point, but "belated" also feels like a forced rhyme. I also don't understand what you're trying to say. You say they never hesitated, but that the response as much belated... and if their response was belated, then that means they DID hesitate. So you're like directly contradicting yourself here.

~ ~ ~

Sorry if this seemed overly-critical! I actually DID really enjoy this poem! I think it was raw and emotional and definitely guided me through a love arc and the sorrow of it being over. It seems like both the narrator and their spouse are hurt by the breakup and yet the narrator is definitely blaming themselves, even though clearly they were really committed to the relationship (with the "i love you" comment, which seemed to be the catalyst).

I particularly like your last stanza! I feel like that line really hits home with a lot of the emotion of this poem and ties it up nicely. This is a really relatable poem in a lot of ways and I think both the subject-matter and the way you executed the poem worked really well and built up to quite a nice experience that I really enjoyed reading and reviewing.

Hope this helped! Keep writing!

~Shady

Hi @lillianna! I'm Yoshi and I'm here for your review!

Grammatical

your eyes

i remember the way they used to

light up like stars

when i walked into the room

You should capitalize the "i"s in here. Also, there should be a semicolon or colon after "your eyes".

The "i"s throughout the poem are all uncapitalized, so I suggest you work on that.

Also, there are many examples where there should be commas and there aren't. Even though you are writing a poem and you don't want to place commas at the end of every line, you still need to place punctuation in the correct places or the sentences will be incorrect.

Technical

Your rhyming is fair. It isn't perfect, but then again-- no one's rhymes are perfect. Your rhythm is close enough to be satisfactory and you have a slightly clear meter. There aren't any real technical issues here, so good for you!

Plot

Wow. This is a very heartfelt poem. I have no idea how you felt while writing this poem, but I can feel your pain. All of us have experienced situations like this before. It's certainly something horrible to bear, and we're all here to support you.

Anyways, that stuff aside, I like how you develop the mood of the poem. It starts off as the narrator is kind of reminiscing the past. Then it grows a little sad, but the narrator is still kind of holding on to memories. Then, it sprouts a little hint of spitefulness. The narrator is a little mad and sorrowful at the same time. The anger slowly dissipates and grows into hopefulness and wishing, but then morphs into longing and more hopefulness. But it finally shrinks down immense hopelessness and sorrow that is simply described by a single short stanza:

and that was the last time

i held your hand

touched your neck

and called you mine

Without the context of the rest of the poem, this would have been very typical. However, the way you changed the mood throughout the poem starting from reminiscing to hopelessness gave this poem a powerful, meaningful touch, that was absolutely fantastic.

I hope you were satisfied with this review!

Remember the Alamo. Remember Goliad. Remember Fireworks

-y0shi