The girl his sister, his lost family, he wasn’t supposed to remember his family, though he remembered her death, her unneeded death.
His mind started to explode with emotion, he felt like his anger was ripping apart his soul, ripping apart of who he is.
His memory was gone yes.
He remembered her yes.
Why her death.
“Why don’t I remember, why-why do I have this”. He pushed forward the bed the girl just rose from with his power.“I can’t tell you, I can only show you”. The girl hesitated, her voice, her lips started to shake, as if she was worried.
“You don’t want to remember your old life; I will only show you what you need brother”. She tried to plead with him her voice tried to penetrate his anger, it failed.
“I don’t need your help, I don’t need you, what I lost, what I don’t remember it’s slipping away, I don’t want to forget. Do you understand what it’s like to forget who you are?” Burrow wished maybe there was a better way to say this, there wasn’t.
The girl moved forward tried to place here hand on Burrows shoulder to calm him down. It didn’t work. He, he had already reached boiling point.
His hands struggled to grasp the handle behind him; he was finding a way out. He didn’t bother being careful anymore, he had given up. He raised his hands as he faced the girl, and then slammed them back expecting them to slam against the door. They didn’t it had already rooted up and flown away smashing the window as it went.
He ran out of the room. He was stills stuck in a maze. He couldn’t find the exit; he was running around in circles hoping he would find it.
He gave up eventually and found himself in the middle of a hallway; He pounded his hand time after time. The force of gravity slowly moved the wall back, leaving large dents in the plastering. He hit it one last time. He felt his power flow into that last punch. He saw the door fly away. He looked back for a moment he saw the girl staring at him.
He lifted himself up into the air, he raised his feet he felt like he was swimming in a pool, but he wasn’t. He pushed forward, up into the sky; it was dark and misty, though it didn’t take long for it to change.
He found himself above the fog above the clouds. Away from all the pollution, he felt like a bird, or a dragon owner of the sky, but he wasn’t…
He looked back for a moment why he took in his surroundings feeling free. He saw her, his sister.
He pushed forward trying to escape her, to escape their next meeting. No matter how hard he tried he still felt that hand touch his shoulder, he still felt his memory erase.
He fell. Memory erased chapter 2.
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137,663 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
This was written..... interestingly. What I mean is that it has a very rushed and frantic style, as if the character was confused and desperate, and this is a look inside his head. This is good and bad. It's good because this particular style of writing gets you closer to the character and allows you to understand their emotions on a more personal level. (which you made good use of, BTW) But it can also be confusing and erratic, and occasionally throw the reader off. I was confused by a few of your punctuation errors, but I still feel like you got your message through.
If there is a sequel, I would like to read it.
Yeah thanks for pointing this out, I do try and make it like that, but I also need to work on doing it right. But it also is a bit rushed because I am doing it for NaNo, though I stopped, because I got to my own goal to just write, but know I am editing, I am up to like chapter 30...
Hey, Jack! I'm here to give you a review.
Okay, this chapter really makes me feel Burrow's confusion and his somewhat desperation. I feel like he wants space to breathe to make sense of everything. It's as if he's in some sort of denial of something, that thought that he can live without knowing his past, but I think something in the future would make him realize he has to know, if not, make him want to know. Personally, I feel sad for the sister - imagine having your sibling reject you! Oh boy.
That aside, there are some stuff I noticed that could use some tweaking. I've listed them down for you.
It's a good start to the chapter, actually. It just needs a some editing. It kind of feels like the emotion is going everywhere than at a specific target, if you get what I mean. I suggest that you revise this line, just so it strikes us (or me) a little harder. Personally, I may write it this way: "The girl, his sister, his lost family... he wasn't supposed to remember his family, but her remembered her death - her unneeded death."
I'd separate this line. Maybe you could place a period between "emotion" and "he" rather than a comma. Then, for the latter part, there's a typo. It should be "a part" than "apart", and also, "is" should be "was", to stay on the past tense.
I feel like you could put a comma between "gone" and "yes". I'd say the same for the next line.
The period should be a question mark, also, I'd put "But" as the start of the sentence (ex. "But why...") so that it would strike a bit harder.
Like a previous comment I said, I think you should make this line into two.
I understand what you're trying to get at, but I think that just by showing us that her voice and lips are shaking, would give us the impression that she is worried.
Yeah, I think you could put a comma between "him" and "her". Also, I suggest you put a "but" after the comma which is before "it".
This sort of confused me for a while. I suggest separating this line to about three, the first being "I don't need you help". The second could be when he lists down what/who he says he doesn't need, and the third line could be him confessing his memory is slipping away.
I suggest you put "and" between "forward" and "tried".
I think you could put a period between "didn't" and "it".
Whoops! There's a small typo, "stills" should be "still".
Since the punctuation before this line was a semicolon, you shouldn't capitalize the "He". The sentences in this paragraph, I noticed, mostly started with "He". I suggest you change it up.
Okay, for this one, I think you could drop the "he raised his feet" and start a new sentence after "air". After that, you could change "but" to "though".
I don't think the ellipsis at the end is necessary, as I think a period could suit it just fine.
All right, this was confusing. I say you rewrite this, maybe like "He fell, and for the second time, Burrow lost his memory". It doesn't need to be that way, it's just a suggestion.
Well, I think that's about it! I'm sorry if this was really long and very nit-picky. I haven't reviewed in a while, so I hope you bear with me with all the possible rough edges in this review. Don't worry Jack, with more practice, you'll get better! Good luck and keep writing!
Thanskf or the review, I will get to those problems as soon as I can