Young Writers Society

Hey, Jack! I'm here to give you a review.

Okay, this chapter really makes me feel Burrow's confusion and his somewhat desperation. I feel like he wants space to breathe to make sense of everything. It's as if he's in some sort of denial of something, that thought that he can live without knowing his past, but I think something in the future would make him realize he has to know, if not, make him want to know. Personally, I feel sad for the sister - imagine having your sibling reject you! Oh boy.

That aside, there are some stuff I noticed that could use some tweaking. I've listed them down for you.

The girl his sister, his lost family, he wasn’t supposed to remember his family, though he remembered her death, her unneeded death.

It's a good start to the chapter, actually. It just needs a some editing. It kind of feels like the emotion is going everywhere than at a specific target, if you get what I mean. I suggest that you revise this line, just so it strikes us (or me) a little harder. Personally, I may write it this way: "The girl, his sister, his lost family... he wasn't supposed to remember his family, but her remembered her death - her unneeded death."

His mind started to explode with emotion, he felt like his anger was ripping apart his soul, ripping apart of who he is.

I'd separate this line. Maybe you could place a period between "emotion" and "he" rather than a comma. Then, for the latter part, there's a typo. It should be "a part" than "apart", and also, "is" should be "was", to stay on the past tense.

His memory was gone yes.

I feel like you could put a comma between "gone" and "yes". I'd say the same for the next line.

Why her death.

The period should be a question mark, also, I'd put "But" as the start of the sentence (ex. "But why...") so that it would strike a bit harder.

Why don’t I remember, why-why do I have this

Like a previous comment I said, I think you should make this line into two.

The girl hesitated, her voice, her lips started to shake, as if she was worried.

I understand what you're trying to get at, but I think that just by showing us that her voice and lips are shaking, would give us the impression that she is worried.

She tried to plead with him her voice tried to penetrate his anger, it failed.

Yeah, I think you could put a comma between "him" and "her". Also, I suggest you put a "but" after the comma which is before "it".

I don’t need your help, I don’t need you, what I lost, what I don’t remember it’s slipping away, I don’t want to forget.

This sort of confused me for a while. I suggest separating this line to about three, the first being "I don't need you help". The second could be when he lists down what/who he says he doesn't need, and the third line could be him confessing his memory is slipping away.

The girl moved forward tried to place here hand on Burrows shoulder to calm him down.

I suggest you put "and" between "forward" and "tried".

They didn’t it had already rooted up and flown away smashing the window as it went.

I think you could put a period between "didn't" and "it".

He was stills stuck in a maze.

Whoops! There's a small typo, "stills" should be "still".

He pounded his hand time after time.

Since the punctuation before this line was a semicolon, you shouldn't capitalize the "He". The sentences in this paragraph, I noticed, mostly started with "He". I suggest you change it up.

He lifted himself up into the air, he raised his feet he felt like he was swimming in a pool, but he wasn’t.

Okay, for this one, I think you could drop the "he raised his feet" and start a new sentence after "air". After that, you could change "but" to "though".

...but he wasn’t…

I don't think the ellipsis at the end is necessary, as I think a period could suit it just fine.

Memory erased chapter 2.

All right, this was confusing. I say you rewrite this, maybe like "He fell, and for the second time, Burrow lost his memory". It doesn't need to be that way, it's just a suggestion.

Well, I think that's about it! I'm sorry if this was really long and very nit-picky. I haven't reviewed in a while, so I hope you bear with me with all the possible rough edges in this review. Don't worry Jack, with more practice, you'll get better! Good luck and keep writing!