16+ Language Violence Mature Content

The Progeny: Chapter 5 (Revised)

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Evie woke and was surprised she had even managed to sleep. She didn’t know how long she had been out for. Or how long she had been in this cell for. Time seemed to stand still. She figured the sun must have done down but then again, it was hard to tell. Maybe being in here with no windows- with no way to judge if it was night or day- her vampire body clock was all out of sync.

The vampire beside the albino was also awake, wandering around his cell aimlessly. She thought about speaking to him but decided against it. There was no point attempting to make friends now that she understood what was going to happen to them. So she stayed quiet and busied herself by trying to clean up her cell. The blood on the floor had the sticky consistency of being not quite dry so she started trying to rub it off with what remained of her leather jacket. She scrubbed the walls too, managing to make the dried blood peel off and float in flakes onto the ground. She piled up the dried bits into the far corner and just kept scrubbing, even when her muscles started to burn.

Her fangs pressed against her gums as her hunger stirred. Ever since she had mauled herself, she had felt her hunger fighting for attention. It wasn’t too bad at the moment but she knew if she were injected with more Nico’s serums and reacted the same way, causing her to lose even more blood, she’d be doubled over in the insistent pain and need to feed in the next week. Or maybe she’d react the same way as Sophie and this would all be over.

The sound of the door opening clattered again, reverberating through the bars. The vampire that had been walking around suddenly hissed and shied away, dropping back against the wall. Evie recognised the click of the footsteps so she stopped and turned, waiting.

She watched him passing the glass panelling, his eyes wandering, inspecting his prisoners. Evie gulped and felt her cold heart contract when he turned and found her eyes. They locked eye contact until he was stood before her. He smiled and looked around her cell. “I like what you’ve done with the place.”

“Are you here to see me this time?” Evie asked.

“Actually, I am.” Nico smiled. “You’ve recovered well.”

She sank onto the floor and tucked her knees to her chest. “Just let me say goodbye to my Maker.”

He sighed. “You’re not going to die.”

“Sophie died.”

“That was her eighth shot. This is your second.”

“Sophie said most don’t make it past four.”

“And as I said, this is only your second.”

Evie looked up at him. He didn’t even deny it.

Her bottom lip started to tremble. “But my Maker has been in here over a week. He’s had more shots than me. He’s not going to last much longer.”

“Have a little faith in me, vampire.”

She scowled at him. “How long have you been doing this? Months? Years? And have you been successful? No. There is no cure for vampirism. All you’re doing is killing us. That is not a cure. That’s murder.”

He studied her and bent down to her level, his bony knees sticking out as he crouched. “You think I’m lying to you?”

“I think you should stop this. You are not getting anywhere. When people find out about this, you’ll be dead. Have you not heard? Vampires have equal rights. You’re committing mass murder.”

He laughed. “Oh, you’d be surprised who already knows about this.”

Her eyes widened and he smiled.

“Where do you think I found the funding for all this equipment? For this place?” He gestured around, to the rows and rows of cells. “Vampires will never be equal. I’m trying to help you. I’m trying to stop all this prejudice.”

“By changing us,” mumbled Evie.

He studied her, and Evie was shocked to see a glint of empathy in his grey eyes. “By giving you your life back.”

They held that impossibly intense gaze for a moment before Evie shook her head. “I still want to see my Maker. You may be very passionate about what you are doing but that doesn’t make it possible. Just let me see him. Let me say goodbye before he dies in here.”

Nico stood up, cracking his back. “What’s his name?”

Evie’s eyes widened up at him, hope dancing inside her. “Caius,” she said brightly and got to her feet. “Caius Ericson.”

He pursed his lips into a tight line, thinking. “I don’t know the name. What does he look like?”

Evie didn’t need a moment to paint a picture of him in her mind. He was always there. “Early thirties. Long brown hair. Light blue eyes. Six foot two.” Her eyes started to flicker around as she listed everything she knew. “Probably wearing…” She thought back to when he first disappeared. Where was he going? To get more blood bags. What was he wearing? “Ermm…a faded grey tunic…slim black jeans. Boots. A black corduroy jacket.” She looked back to Nico wide-eyed. He was stood with a soft smile.

“I think I know who you are talking about. How old is he in vampire years? Ancient?”

Evie nodded. “A thousand.”

“Yeah. I know him.”

Evie fell forwards, ready to clasp the bars but again, stopped herself. “Is he in hibernation?”

“Not when I last checked.”

Tears started to slip down her cheeks. “Can I see him? Please?”

He sighed. “I suppose.” Evie smiled wide, feeling her muscles coil with elation. “But I am going to have to take precautions.”

“What do you mean?” she asked, although she was barely listening. She was going to see Caius!

He unzipped his bum bag and took out a small pot with a foil lid. Inside it was grey, thick looking liquid. He curled his fingers over it and took out a syringe with his other hand. “What’s that?”

“Liquid silver,” he said as he punctured the foil lid with the needle and pulled back the plunger. Evie watched as the liquid deduced from the pot and filled the chamber of the syringe. “I’m going to inject it into your bloodstream to slow down your reaction time. I’ll have to keep you connected so I can inject it when it wears off. That will give you more time with your precious Maker. Sound good?”

Evie nodded without hesitation. She knew the pain would be excruciating, but she also knew every moment of it would be worth it.

“Okay, now, hold your arm out through the bar. And no funny business now.” He looked at her straight in the eyes. “You know what happened last time.”

Evie nodded obediently and he stepped through the glass door. “There’s a button on the wall just there-” He pointed to the thin strip of wall to his right, between the glass panels. “If I press it, that UV bulb will switch on above your head.”

“I know.”

He looked at her curiously. “You know?”

“Yes.” She stuck out her arm between the bars with no intention of making him press that button. She flipped her arm so the smooth side of her forearm to him.

He pushed a fresh needle into the crook of her elbow which was attached to a short tube and corked with a piece of sponge. He taped it secure and next, Evie tensed as he pushed the silver filled syringe into the sponge and pressed down on the plunger. Despite the thickness of the liquid, it slid down the tube at a rapid pace and was soon attacking Evie from the inside.

She tensed, squeezing her hands into fists as her insides burned. Her fangs lengthened instinctively at the pain, knowing that Nico was the one initiating it. Nico gulped and threw his hand out, ready to whack the big red button but Evie just stayed there, vibrating with agony. She wanted to shriek at the pain and claw the needle from her arm but she stayed put, only allowed small whimpers to leave her mouth.

“I’m ready. I’m not going to hurt you,” she said stiffly through gritted teeth. It felt like a swarm of green ants feeding on her insides. “Open the cell.”

He did and when she stepped out, he grabbed her wrists and gripped them behind her, using his own hands as handcuffs and keeping the tube coiled in his palm. Evie was going to be obedient, even if poison wasn’t running through her veins making her movements and thoughts slow and stiff and excruciatingly painful.

Tears beaded in her eyes, turned his vision red as she whimpered with every step.

“How far?” she asked.

“In the next room. Where I keep all the ancients.”

She managed to get to the door with Nico practically pushing her along. He took his hands from her to open the doors, probably now realising that there was no chance she was going to attempt to escape.

She walked through the door and they were in a narrow, grey corridor. She noticed something black in the corner of her eye by the door but her blood tears marred her vision again so she couldn’t get a good look.

Nico pushed her onwards to another set of white double doors.

“Through here,” said Nico, unlocking them and pushing them open.

Evie looked at him, her eyes twinkling with delight. “He’s in here?”

He nodded.

Evie gasped through a smile and once Nico knew they were both secure in the room, he gestured for her to run free, passing her the coiled tube as if handing her the reins. Evie grabbed the tube and held it up at an angle. The silver was still making its way through her system so she was still slow. Humanly slow. But she forced her way down the rows of cells, looking in the ones to her left and to her right. Some were empty. Some were filled with bloody vampires that were unknown to her.

And then she spotted him. She gasped and stumbled back. He was actually there, sprawled out across the floor in a murky red puddle. Evie could only see his back and his mess of hair but instantly knew it was him. Her Maker.

Caius!” she gushed in a whisper and made her way over to him, slower than she wanted, like she was wading through sand. She was shaking as she pressed her palms onto the glass panelling.

She felt Nico’s shadow behind her and turned.

He was stood with his hands behind his back, looking down.

“Can I go in?” she asked tentatively.

He nodded. “But give me the end of the tube.”

Evie uncoiled it and handed it to him.

She opened the glass door and Nico followed, keeping close enough to her to not strain the tube. He unlocked the cell and Evie stepped in. She was stood before Caius. He was still sprawled on the floor, unmoving. A pang of sadness hit her at the thought that he might have slipped into hibernation and he wasn’t even going to hear her goodbye.

“Hold on.”

She turned to see Nico trying to weave the tube through the now closed cell. When he succeeded, he nodded and she dropped to her knees before her Maker. The tube was long enough so that Nico could stay standing.

Evie sucked in a sob and smoothed down her Maker’s hair that was sticky and clotted with blood.

“Caius? Caius, can you hear me?”

There was a groan and her insides jumped. She gulped with wide eyes and pushed his hair back until she could see the side of his face. “Caius? Caius? Are you awake?”

Another groan and blood leaked from his parted lips.

She grabbed onto his torn up jacket and rolled him over so his head was on her lap and he was facing upwards. His arms dropped to his sides and his lips parted more, expelling a strained sigh. His eyes were closed and tear tracks stained his beautiful, porcelain skin. He had grown a stubble and that too, was caked in old blood.

“Caius, it’s me. Evie. Caius?” She shook him a little and his eyes flew open.

She gasped and gripped his shoulders.

He squinted at the harsh light then his pale eyes found Evie and his jaw slackened. The look in his eyes made Evie’s cold heart swell and her lip to quiver. It looked as if he’d just laid eyes on an angel.

Tentatively, he lifted his arm and touched her face. She cried and leaned into her Maker’s cold palm.

“Evie…” he whispered hoarsely, his lips dry and cracking. “Is that really you?”

“Yes.” She laughed and lowered herself to hug him. His arms wrapped around her back and hers cradled his head. “Yes, it’s me.”

His body started to judder as tears of happiness started to pour down his face. He squeezed her close to him, curling his bloody fingers into her vest. “I can’t believe it’s you. Why are you here?”

She swallowed the lump in her throat. “I came to say goodbye.”

He gasped and pushed her back so they were face to face. Blood had collected under his eyes and was running down his cheeks. “Goodbye?”

She nodded, sniffing back tears of her own. “We’re going to die in here, Caius. I just wanted to see you one last time-”

She gasped and her head flew to Nico as she felt something new entering her system. Something warm and different. The scientist was stood with his thumb down on the plunger. But the syringe he was holding, the liquid pouring down the tube wasn’t silver…it was another one of his serums. She cried and ripped the needle from her forearm but the stuff was already inside her. She could feel it like hot syrup in her bloodstream. But it wasn’t burning. Not like the other serum that gave her the Rage. This stuff felt…good. This time, the serum was not trying to force its way through her stale blood like a bike trying to get through bumper to bumper traffic. This new liquid inside was flowing freely, swimming through her. Her blood was flowing freely. It felt like it was fighting through the dark labyrinths inside her and bringing light. Life. Every cell in her body felt on high alert as the serum swam through her cold blood, warming it up and making her feel toasty inside.

Then she heard a thud and she gasped. Caius, still cradled in her arms on her lap paused, his pale eyes wide and set on her. Then came another thud. A thud inside her. Like there was something new inside that was fighting to get out. No, it wasn’t something new. It was something old. It was something that had been inside her all along but had lost its use a hundred years ago. It was the thing in her centre that just sat there empty and barren. But it wasn’t empty anymore. It was working.

Her heart was beating.

She let go of Caius and pressed her hands flat against her chest, feeling her heart pulsing inside her.

Now she felt cold. Not undead cold but…she could actually feel a chill in the air. And her body was responding to it. Goosebumps covered her arms and her tiny hairs stood on end.

What was happening?

Then there was a growl and her heartbeat quickened with fear. She looked down and gasped. Caius’ pale eyes had become as black as the night and his veins corded around them. Before she even had a chance to react, he swooped upwards and sank his fangs into her neck.

She screamed as her skin ripped as the new life essence inside her was slowly being taken away.

“Caius!” she garbled, trying to tear him off her. But he was strong and wrapped his arms around her back, crushing her into him like a spider trapping a fly. His mess of hair covered her face and she could smell blood. Fresh blood. Her own blood. But it smelt different. It smelt…

A loud, honking buzz sounded, making Evie wince.

Then there was a blinding light and Caius squealed, retracting his fangs. He fell back against the silver bars, cried out again and dropped onto the floor as his body burned. Red, oozing sores plastered across his exposed arms and he hissed, shaking on the floor. She looked up and squinted at the UV bulb and then down at her own skin. Nothing. She wasn’t burning…

“Quick!”

A hand grabbed her and yanked her to her feet. Nico pulled her out of the cell and slammed the door closed and locked it just before the light flickered out. He ushered her out of the glass door and slammed that shut too.

Evie was gasping for breath, checking herself for wounds. “W-what happened?”

Nico grabbed her by the tops of her arms and beamed at her, his eyes wide and crazed. “It worked!”

“What? What worked?” Her head was reeling.

Suddenly, Caius jumped up in a smooth, vampire quick motion. Evie turned to him, expecting the Caius she knew but he growled, his eyes still clouded black and fangs dripping with blood. He hissed and lunged at her, smacking against the silver bars. He howled and buckled back, the noise making Evie’s insides cringe.

“What has happened to him?” she asked, her voice brittle and broken as she sobbed, quaking with fear of her own Maker.

“No,” Nico said in a whisper and touched her neck. She flinched at the pain and stared wide-eyed as he pulled back his hand painted with blood. “What happened to you is the real question.”

She gulped and pressed her fingers to the puncture wounds on her neck and then she looked back at Caius who was still manically smacking himself against the silver bars to get to her then screaming and careening back.

“I’m…” she started but couldn’t carry on.

Nico smiled, looking almost drunk on happiness, and finished her sentence. “You’re human.”

He grabbed hold of her arm and started dragging her towards the double doors. She pulled back from him. “No. What about Caius? I can’t leave him!”

Nico spun around and she sucked in a breath when he stopped in front of her, their faces inches apart. She could see her blood-stained reflection in the lens of his glasses. “He’s not your Maker anymore. He’s nothing to you.”

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
megsug
Review
megsug wrote a review · Wed May 18, 2016 5:49 pm

Hey Ganga~
After another long intermission, I have returned to continue reviewing your novel. Maybe I can catch up by the end of summer... Man, you have some great reviewers too. I'll try to see what I can add.

Whoa. That was quite the ride. That plot twist was great and really well done. It makes me excited to keep reading.

I think I agree with Deanie though. Slowing down a little couldn't harm this chapter. It goes by super quick, and it feels more like I'm watching everything happen than feeling it, you know?

Commenting on @NightCrawlers' review and the following discussion, I think there are so many different types of vampires in the vampire genre that you have to be really careful assuming that if someone reads a bunch of vampire novels, they're going to understand your vampires. I'm thinking about Dracula where vampires are little more than monsters to Ann Rice's vampires to Stephanie Myers' vampires to all of the paranormal romance vampires. Each one is different and has different weakness and different powers. I know it's frustrating to slow down to tell your readers simple background that you take for granted because you just understand it, but your readers didn't come up with this vampire concept, you did, and you have to make that clear.

The lack of emotions in vampires and the messages that are not directly written out in The Great Gatsby and Catcher in the Rye are two different things. What's implied in the two novels are not necessary to understand the characters. Both texts imply greater messages outside of the characters. I think what's so great about the novels you mentioned is you don't have to "get" them to enjoy them.

Also, I think Evie showed tons of emotion in the first few chapters where she's constantly moping over Caius. She shows some signs of depression, really, so this unspoken rule that vampires don't feel as much as humans do isn't consistent.

If you wanted to show the reader that vampires have more muted emotions rather than just saying "Vampires don't feel as much as humans do," have Evie recall how she would have reacted to such a high-stress situation a hundred years ago.

Speaking of high-stress situations, I was wondering about was why in the world would she clean up her cell? On the one hand, it is psychologically damaging to sit in the cell covered with blood. On the other hand, it's also psychologically damaging to clean it with your leather jacket, and I'm not sure how effective that would be. Like, I just don't understand why she tried at all, and we aren't given any of her thoughts or anything to explain it.

Last thing, I also agree with Nightwalker that your description of the silver in her blood stream doesn't jive with what you've shown us silver could do. Okay, she thinks it's worth it, that has nothing to do with the amount of pain she's feeling. While ants can be super painful, I honestly don't think that experience is equitable to being cooked from the inside out.

I always write these really long reviews on so few nitpicks. I really enjoyed the chapter and look forward to the next one. What's Evie going to do now that she's human? Is Nico going to let her go? I can't wait to find out!
Megs~

Hello! I actually didn't know people were still reading this so the notifications were a surprise haha. When you get close to the end of the uploads I'll update.

With the different types of vampires thing, I'm slowly introducing my specific kind of vampire throughout the novel and integrating details in bit by bit. I haven't read this in aaagggeeees so I'll have a look over and see if I can tweak some stuff if it seems to vague. I just don't like spoon-feeding my readers.

It's interesting you saying Evie shows tonnes of emotion in the first few chapters because I's had people saying she doesn't show enough. And Caius is her Maker, if anything is going to make a vampire feel emotion, it's their Maker. I've emphasised a lot throughout this novel how intense the connection between a maker and a progeny is. I mean, she's not even bothered about dying, all Evie wants to do is see Caius one last time and say goodbye. That's how freaking connected they are! He means more to her that she does to herself, that's how the Maker/progeny relationship works.

The cleaning up her cell was simply something for her to do. She was trying to keep her mind active.

I'll have another look over the silver in the bloodstream thing.

Thanks for the review!

School has been crazy. I'm sorry I'm being so slow ;n; Are you still working on this project? Is it still helpful for me to read through it?

It's okay :) I've finished writing it, haven't uploaded it all on here on though. And yeah it's still helpful because I know I'll still have to edit stuff, the editing never stop! Haha

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Mon Feb 01, 2016 1:48 pm

Hi Miss Ganga!

Man, you've made it really hard for me to review these chapters! Simply because they are just written so well. I'm pretty amazed that he was able to make a cure to vampirism, and I wonder what kind of trouble this is going to stir up in the world. Not only is this something ground breaking and might just save all the vampires there, but it will also be something that each and every vampire in the world with either love or hate. I'm curious to know which will be which. It seems like there is going to be a lot that stems from this discovery.

I was also intrigued to know why Nico let her go see Caius. He doesn't seem so inclined to give anyone else the same courtesy. I mean, it's not because he feels so inclined to be kind to a vampire. It has to be something else. Does he find her strangely attractive? Is her behaviour different from everyone else that has been imprisoned so far? If he is going to help her along and let her go see Caius, you need to have a reason for him doing so, and you need to make her unique to all the rest in some way. Otherwise it seems pretty odd that he let her go so easily. Yes, he did still inject her there, but he could've done that without risking his own safety and letting her see her maker.

I also wanted to know a bit more about this sudden feeling! Everything goes so fast in this chapter. Don't be afraid to slow down things so the reader can really experience them! I mean, she's just gone from being a vampire to being human. I can understand how her thoughts aren't too focused on that yet, but how does she feel! She hasn't had a heard beating in her chest, or blood pumping for about a hundred years. That's something. That's something for sure.

And she also needs to feel a whole lot more. At the current moment I get the impression that nothing quite shakes of fazes Evie much. Her maker just tried to kill her. Sure, he didn't really have much say in the matter, seeing as he is starving, but this must surely mean something to Evie. She was only trying to help him and in return she almost dies. Did she actually want him to drink her blood somewhat to help him? I'm curious to know more like that.

One tiny nitpick:

Time seemed to stand still. She figured the sun must have done down but then again


I think you mean 'gone' instead of 'done' here.

As always, will be reading more later seeing as there are plenty chapters ahead for me :D

Deanie x

Thank you so much! :')

Nico letting Evie see Caius one last time was to show that he isn't a complete monster, he could see the desperation in Evie. The fact that she wasn't bothered about dying, just about saying goodbye hit him in some sort of way. Maybe it made her seem more human to him?

Evie is a lot more in tune with her emotions in the next chapter. As you said, it all happened so fast, what has happened hasn't really hit her yet. But it will, big time. She focusing more on the fact her Maker/lover was trying to kill her. She'll be a much more emotional character now that she's human now, too.

User avatar
Sonder
Review
Sonder wrote a review · Sat Sep 13, 2014 1:30 pm

Heyo, my favorite vampire-writer friend. (I don't have many of those XD) Here for another review! Shorter this time, I think.
Also, sorry about doing nitpicks first, but I like to have dessert last, yeah?

Nightpicks (haha): Oh, I entertain myself far too easily...
So this is a lot of repeats from last time, but I need more emotion. If you have to spend a paragraph delving into a character's mind set so the reader gets the idea, do it. I feel like this needs more meat on the AMAZING bones you have set up. Analogies ftw! ;)
Just pointing this out. In the past few days, Evie has:
*Lost her lover and good friend and has had horrible dreams about it
*Been kidnapped
*Been tortured
*Watched her friend explode (Sophie whyyyyyyy!)
*Reconnected with her Maker, who is not in a good state
*Turned HUMAN (more on that later)
*Had her best friend TRY TO KILL HER JUST AS SHE CAME BACK TO LIFE WHAT THE HECK MAN (more on this later)
*Became the first success story in vampire history

Helloooo anxiety and post traumatic syndrome! This is some crazy crap for one person (even if they are undead) to handle. And Evie is handling it crazy well. Way too well. No one, even a vampire character, should be able to just brush off a friend's death, torture, and a major identity crisis like this without being a wee bit hysterical. I do give you some credit for the sniffles and tears and stuff, but it's not enough, honestly. No one can physically be this strong. I'm serious. She needs a bit more flaw, a panic attack, more emotion. In order for you to make this vampire seem human (heh), she needs to care, cry, and eventually conquer the situation. She is in the cry stage right now. MAKE HER CRY. XP

So the liquid silver thingy-majig was confusing to me, in a logical way. So before, when she would touch the silver bars at all, her hands would burn and peel. Tons of pain, torturous. But when Nico injects it directly to her blood stream (yeah, good idea man), she just grits her teeth and continues on like life is dandy. She should be dying from the inside out, but she is able to still walk and function mostly normally. I'd like to see a bit more pain here, or less from the bars before, to balance it out. And the silver brings another questions. Silver doesn't just dissolve in your bloodstream (how do these vamps have bloodstreams, again?) so it should be hardening in her veins, clotting them, hurting her more. Not to mention that when she comes back to life, she still has huge amounts of METAL in her blood. That ain't natural, man. I don't think she would fare well from that. Maybe take a bit of science, or time to explain this, because right now it's a bit disconcerting. I know it is fantasy/sci-fi, but characters still have body functions that cannot be changed.

Nico. What is wrong with you, Nico, you sick son of a mother? Gosh. I love the idea of him trying his new serum as soon as she sees Caius, that's just bloody brilliant.
However. As I said in the last chapter, I would love anything more about Nico that I can get. For instance, other than the short description of him in the first chapter he was in, I forgot what he looked like, and all I received from this chapter was that he wore glasses. Now, reader's don't need a recap of the entire character profile every chapter, but a reminder now and then would be nice so that I don't have to find the description myself as a reminder. Maybe mention how he brushes his dark hair out of his eyes, or how he has a small habit of tapping his foot. I dunno. Even though he's evil, make him more human.

Also, I feel like as the chapters continue, he gets more and more cowardly. I know he was weak to begin with, as he preys on helpless people, but he was very sadistic when Evie first met him. Then he sort of went on a decline, and allowing Evie to see Caius just seemed like a strange twist of kindness in his character. How is he this nice, but then in the next paragraph is very evil by injecting her with the "humanizer" stuff? I don't know. Evie is still far too nice to him as well. Asking permission nicely, being polite. She should be aching to rip his throat out and feast on his blood. Why do none of the vamps go into a Rage when Nico comes about? He's as human as they come. Just some stuff to think about.

And then there's Caius. I loooooooove him. Mmmmrgh. And that plot twist with him...I'll gush about that later. :) I think his character is perfect so far. Poor guy.

Evie, Evie, Evie. Goodness, kid, what have you got yourself into? SO. Evie did a great thing, going through the pain and trials like a champ, getting to Caius, only to have the horrible scientist inject her with something that makes Caius try to take her new-found life. She gets out, and it's all grand and dandy, she's a bit concerned that Caius is burning his face on silver bars to try to kill her. Great.
Not. She is way too calm about this. Again. She has been through so much crazy junk that she should have had some panic attacks by now. I'm not sure how the point of view thing is going, but I'm a little concerned with consistency. I hope that in the next chapter she shows more anger towards Nico. He just took away her whole life and expects her to just leave Caius behind. She loves Caius, and he has gone mad trying to kill her. I would be a little concerned, wouldn't you? How can she be sure that Nico won't try more tests just to make sure that she won't turn back? Hmmm...

Like Biscuits said, Nico should also be having a huge scientist fanattack right now. Something that was supposedly impossible and made vampires explode just came real, and he was behind it all! He should be screaming in ecstasy, wanting to show the whole world what he accomplished. Instead, he's just kind of like, "Oh, wow, that pretty cool." I would think he would be so frantic to get onto the batch of vampires to try it on that he would ignore Evie pretty soon.

Again, sorry about being so picky! This is fantastic, I swear, I just can't help but be critical of great pieces. :)

Praises!
ERMAGERSH THE PLOT TWISTS AND FEELS IN THIS CHAPTER BETWEEN ZERO AND EVEN I CAN'T GAH.
*breaths* Goodness, you sure know how to make a good plot twist. First Sophie, now this. I'm going to ignore the part with the silver since I already complained about that and skip right to the Caius loveliness. Poor dude. He's so beaten and near death, and after he lived so many years successfully. Geez, Nico, you sicko. Couldn't Nico be learning a lot from Caius? After all, he lived through all the major wars, the revolutions, he knows what hatred looks like. Couldn't Caius stick a few Holocaust references in there or something? That's the vibe I'm getting, at least, and Caius would know firsthand what it was like. Sorry! Praises!

THAT TWIST THOUGH. *grabs head* That was amazing timing and thought you put there. Just as she said goodbye, Nico injected something that could kill her. I expected her to feel total pain and splatter over the walls like Sophie, but of course that can't happen to the protagonist. XD When her heart started beating (amazing description of the unfamiliar feeling btw) I felt so happy for her, but kind of sick. How would she handle it?
I expected Caius to like pat her on the back and be happy for her, "Good job, kid," BUT NO. He goes crazy, and the whole time I'm watching in horror. You really captivated me there. Wow. That was awesome.

Love it love it love it so far! Overall, I think that this chapter may have needed the most plot work, but I know you can make it epic! This was great, please continue and let me know the progress! Great job. ;)

Keep writing and being amazing!

~Night

I just wrote a bloody massive long reply and the site didn%u2019t let me send it! FFS, I%u2019m so pissed.
Anyway, calming breaths. Let%u2019s hope I remember everything I said.
Okay, about the lack of emotion, I addressed that in the last reply to you so I%u2019m not going to go into that again. Vampires are known for their lack of emotion, that%u2019s why the human population doesn%u2019t like them. They have very little consideration for others. Take the last few chapters when Evie made that girl in the club hysterical for her own gain. Evie isn%u2019t human. She%u2019s a vampire. I can%u2019t stress that enough.
There is supposed to be a big contrast between how she reacts to say, Sophie dying, to how she reacts when she sees Caius. She only cares about Caius. Any true emotion from her is evoked by him.
With the vampire bloodstream thing, it%u2019s explained a little when Evie becomes human. She explains that the serum felt like it was swimming through her rather than having to fight its way through. This gives the impression that vamps do have blood in their system but it just sort of sits there seeing as though they have no heartbeat to pump it around. With the liquid silver, Nico%u2019s serum was able to cure her from vampirism so it%u2019s not a stretch to say that it also did something to the silver in her body. Yes, Evie is in agony but it%u2019s sort of mind over matter for her. I have added a little more to describe her pain though. But you%u2019ve got to bear in mind that all she has ever wanted to do since she%u2019s been in that basement was say goodbye to her Maker, and Nico is giving her that chance. A little silver in her system is totally worth it in her mind. That just shows how intense the connection between her and Caius is. Her pain is nothing. Also, with the liquid silver thing, because it%u2019s sci-fi, not everything is 100% accurate. Take Planet of the Apes for example. There is no way in hell that those apes could take because they don%u2019t have the voice box to be able to, but you just kind of go along with it. Minor details XD
With Nico%u2019s description, I keep a few things consistent, like his clicky heels and warm smile (which just makes him creepier in my opinion) but these chapters are only 5 pages long and I give him a full description in the next chapter so if you were reading this as a book, it%u2019s not that long away.
Yes, Nico did show her kindness but the more you find out about Nico, the more you%u2019ll see that it%u2019s not necessarily out of character for him. Remember, he is trying to fix them. He%u2019s not a sadist. He%u2019s not a monster. He has a heart. And the fact that he is letting Evie see Caius kind of makes him seem a little more human, right? And also indicates that maybe he has a little soft spot for her? Not saying that he fancies her or anything. But even Nico can have his favourites. And also, Evie is being polite to him because he is granting her final wish. She doesn%u2019t want to escape, she doesn%u2019t really want to kill him (like that would get her very far anyway seeing as though it%u2019s obvious that he isn%u2019t alone), she just wants to see Caius one last time.

...

(have to chop it into 2 cause my reply's too long...)

(sorry it didn't come out in paragraphs, I've copied from Word in case it gets messed up again)

The Rage happened because vamps thought that they were feeding themselves with animal blood and the real hunger fought back. This happened after several months. The vamps in the basement are either falling into hibernation after suffering so much injuries, or are falling apart due to starvation like Sophie. But it%u2019s hinted that Nico feeds them when he needs to get them out of hibernation so he probably also feeds them when he thinks the Rage is going to take them over permanently. I know it%u2019s a lot of guess-work but I don%u2019t like to lay everything out for the readers. I like them to think for themselves :P

I%u2019ve read this over and over again and I just can%u2019t see how you guys think Evie is calm when she has been cured. She%u2019s quaking, sobbing, got a crashing heartbeat and gasping for breath, all things that she couldn%u2019t do when she was a vampire. She can barely bloody speak! And bear in mind, remember what you said about her lack of emotion earlier? Well, this is Evie being emotional! She has been a human for like half a minute and for her, shaking is one hell of a reaction! She hasn%u2019t shaken from fear properly in 100 years. After everything that she has been through, after all that stuff that you listed above, did any of that make her react anywhere close to this? No. Evie is petrified. She is no way calm.

And Nico is just as shocked as she is. He didn%u2019t think it would work. After all of his failed attempts, he had probably lost hope. They both have more of a reaction and know where their heads are at in the next chapter though as it takes place a little after this.

Caius is my baby <3 I%u2019m glad you like him ^_^ All of Nico and Caius%u2019 interactions that have been showed have been when Caius is near death. He can barely talk so he%u2019s not going to be sprouting off intense Holocaust metaphors :P

I%u2019m glad you liked the twist! Me being mean again XD I just couldn%u2019t let Evie and Caius have a nice reunion, could I? XD It%u2019s even more horrifying because all that Evie has wanted to do is see him. She hasn%u2019t been bothered about dying. Yet once she actually is ALIVE, Caius is the one who%u2019s bloody trying to rip her apart! It just shows how close he was to shutting down if he was attempting to kill the woman he loves.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! I%u2019m so glad you%u2019re enjoying this and I%u2019m sorry for shooting down your points again XD I just need people to get their heads around it because it%u2019s obvious that things are going over heads. I hope as you read on, you understand more about the difference between vampire reactions and human reactions and stuff. Sometimes, silence can speak volumes. And there is a lot of that in this novel.

Hey, hey, give me some credit! I do understand a lot about what you are saying, but the point is that the fact that I had to ask these questions meant that they are not crystal clear in your novel. I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, I'm just trying to approach this as the average reader would. And an average person would be very confused as to why the vamps have no emotion, or why Nico cares about letting Evie see Caius, but barely bats an eye when Sophie explodes. Thinks like that. It doesn't say much about it, and readers don't know exactly what goes on in your head.
I'm just trying to help, not trying to be stupid or cause problems. I just see you get very defensive, but you need to realize that because I asked those questions, and you had answers, means that you should probably incorporate them into your chapters.
When you say that you want reader's to think for themselves, that just can't work. They can do some inferences, but really, an author's job is to take the reader by the hand and drag them through it like a baby, repeating things, making it clearer for the reader to learn. Just assume that your audience is very ignorant. One mention of an important detail is often not enough.
I'm loving this story just the way it is. I just love it too much to leave it this way. :)

I'm sorry I sound super defensive XD I guess being a vampire lover, I get more about the typical vampire and as you said yourself, you don't really read a lot about vampires. But it's just kind of logical for someone who has lived a very long time to no longer be very attached to stuff. You see a lot, you experience a lot and it would just sort of suck all the life and effort out of you.

It tends to be more Young Adult books that are structured the way that you have described, like babying the reader but I'm kind of hoping this novel could stretch further into more adult works.

And its very hard to incorporate all of the answers to your questions without being info-dumpy, which is something that you clocked onto earlier and didn't like. I'm sorry but I can't do everything =/ I just try to stick to the stuff that engages the reader. Yes, there are some things that may still be a bit blurred you've just got to go with the flow.

I try and answer some of your questions as I edit but if it disrupts the flow of the story, I'm going to leave it simply because it'd spoil it. Also, this is from Evie's POV, so she isn't going to know all the answers. She's just as clueless as to what is going on as the rest of us at this moment.

Maybe just point that out, that Evie no longer cares. One sentence is all that it would take to explain that to a reader. :)
Even adults don't know what you are thinking if it isn't stated in the book. We aren't writing the story, you are.
You don't have to info-dump! All of your answers could be incorporated through Evie's thoughts, actions, etc., and still leave her clueless about major plot points. Just some clearer explanations is all. I won't bother you any more, I just think maybe taking a step back and thinking of how a reader who has zero experience would approach this book. You had to learn all of your knowledge about vampires somewhere, right? My lack of knowledge only gives you the better opportunity to inform me. :)
I can't wait to read the next chapter!

It's mentioned in Chapter 4 when Evie is talking to the cleaner men that she doesn't care about her own death. She says, 'I know there is no point in asking if you will let me out of here but could you please just take me to my Maker? That%u2019s all I want. I will happily stay here and die after that. I just want to say goodbye'.

There's a lot not stated right on the pages of books. I studied English Lit in college and when I first read the books I was given, like The Great Gatsby and The Catcher in the Rye, it all just went over my head. It wasn't not until my teacher told me all the nitty-gritty that was packed underneath the words and I looked it all up online when I really understood it. I'm not saying this novel is in league with them by the way XD

So anyway, I guess that's what I am trying to do with Evie's character. It also allows people to have their own opinion of her. Some people will think she's just heartless that she doesn't care, like the humans in the novel, and some people will understand where she is coming from. Hell, someone was adamant that Evie was like the most savage character ever written. And that was her opinion. On the other hand, some people think it's cool that she doesn't let everything get on top of her. Some people, like yourself, think it's odd. That's all fine :) If I spell everything out for everyone, it leaves little room for them to have their own opinion.

I know I sound like I'm on my high horse and talking down to you but I honestly don't mean it. I'm sorry if I sound rude because as I said, I love your nitpicks because it shows you care enough about the story to point them out :)

Anyway, I am putting everything that everyone has said under consideration. This definitely isn't the final draft :P

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ExOmelas
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Okay, I only counted about 6 grammar errors in this. I'll let you see if you can find them.

Onto plot. Your characterisation is spot on. As are your plot and setting. You are not making this easy.

Actually, maybe have Evie be a touch more suspicion of Nico on Evie's part when he's letting her see Caius. And when Nico makes his breakthrough at the end I feel like he should go into full manic mode. If it were me, I'd be really unnerved by him. He's obsessed with this. When he finally gets it, he's possibly going to have a mild Frankenstein 'It's Alive!' moment.

But I cannot possibly stress how much I enjoyed this. I was going to go to bed early. Then, I checked YWS and discovered I had been tagged in a post from you. I sighed and resigned myself to giving it a quick skim. Every time I read this I seem to convince myself that I might as well get down to it. Then, three words in, and I am captivated. You have true skill and flair and I could honestly see this being published. I'm not saying it's definitely ready yet - but I think this has the potential to be simply remarkable.

Well done! :D

So I'm getting slightly better at the editing...haha. I'll check through again!

Thank yooou! :D

I think Nico didn't go manic because he was kind of shocked himself that it had worked XD After all of his failed attempts, he was probably expecting Evie to explode. So he was just kind of like, 'Oh my God. It worked. It worked, right? Did it work?'

I've written six novels before this and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that this is my best. I am so glad I have written the others though because they have developed my writing skills immensely (my first one was awful) and I am totally pulling out all the stops for this one! I love vampire novels so much so I'm determined to make this a good one!

I am so out of my comfort zone with this story, with all the intense emotional stuff that goes on in it, I have no idea where it's all come from XD But I love it! And it makes me so incredibly happy to get comments like this!

I think I'm going to have mixed feelings when I've finished it. I'm going to be ecstatic because it's complete and it's done and I did it! But also really sad that I'll have to stop writing it at the same time </3

I really hope you're right about seeing it being published. I've been rejected so many times with my other work and have had to resort to self-publishing which has gotten me nowhere - so fingers crossed that this will be my breakthrough!

Thank you again for reading and reviewing!

Maybe you could show his shock a touch more then. Idk what it was I just felt like that bit was a bit too much about Evie when Nico is having a really important moment too.

About the previous novels thing: Oh my God, I know exactly what you mean! I finished my first novel that I am proud of last NaNo so I understand exactly how you feel. I was writing that in a frenzy though so I'm really jealous of you because nobody read it as I was writing it.

You're welcome :)

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ExOmelas
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Just finished reading. I'll review tomorrow :)



You are not the voice in your mind, but the one who is aware of it.
— Eckhart Tolle