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Young Writers Society


12+

Going through Time-Chapter Ten: Drinking Fire

by erilea


"I still can't believe I was possessed, knocked out, and woken up in a single day," Will muttered, seemingly concentrated on the ground. "Nobody gets their soul taken by an eidolon as their daily workout."

"Oh, shut up!" Sadie snapped, rubbing the lump on her head. I had hit her quite hard, and she was still recovering. My friend wasn't really dancing on rainbows, as she was  a little grumpy from the scene, and hadn't calmed down. "I just wish we had food. I haven't eaten in days, except for ambrosia, and that's not even food!" I secretly agreed with her, but I couldn't show any sign of weakness as their leader.

"Guys, how about we all calm down and decide what to do next calmly," I soothed, massaging Sadie's temples. She opened her mouth, but I quickly shushed her and spoke up again. "We can't just burst straight into Tartarus unprepared. Well, we did, but now we have to think of a real plan before we just go barging in."

"What was that?" Sadie asked nervously. A low growl came from somewhere near, before I laughed hollowly and rubbed my stomach.

"My stomach, from lack of food." I replied,  still wishing that I could find some somewhere. Percy had said they had gotten food from Damasan, the kind giant, and an offering from the Stoll brothers had somehow ended up in those pits, but there was no Damasan and no offering. We would have to think of another way before we starved. Closing my eyes, I tried to think with Sadie and Will constantly complaining.

"We need to find food!"

"Stop saying that word! It's making me even more hungry!"

"Well, we've gotta find some fast!"

"ENOUGH!" I screamed, and they stared at me in surprise. Will opened his mouth, but he quickly closed it when I gave him a death glare. If looks could kill, I think he would be dead and buried. "Don't you even dare say a word. We're caught in Tartarus, the both of you just got possessed by eidolons, and I can't think, much less decide where to go with your constant arguing! It'd be better if you'd just shut the heck up!" I ranted, losing all the impatience I had fenced in for days. Sadie had looked away, seeing as I was radiating the anger and madness of Ares, and I would probably be seeing red if I could.

"Now get up, don't say a word, and follow me." I snapped, and they quickly lifted themselves off the floor. Trailing behind me swiftly and silently, I was pleased by my drill sergeant effect on them, until I stopped and Will crashed into me, maybe on purpose. I whirled around, and he immediately took an unlikely interest in the floor. "I said, follow me, not crash into me!" I yelled, and Sadie flinched.

        Turning around again, I stormed off, Sadie and Will scrambling behind me like little ducks. I could see only ahead of me, and my vision was tinted with red. Reaching a clump of boulders, I peered over them and saw something that burned into my gaze: a river of fire. "Lovely," I said cantankerously, crouching down beside it and beckoning Will and Sadie over. 

"River Phlegathon," Sadie murmured, and I looked at her in confusion. 

"Sounds like a marathon for spitting," I quipped, silently giving credit to Percy for that line.

"Please don't make me laugh." Sadie grumbled, in perfect imitation of Annabeth. I grinned a little.

"What's so funny?" Will asked, on the far left of me.

"We just replayed the Annabeth and Percy scene, when they were here." I noted, looking at the soft footprints across from us. Tartarus, however ugly and hurtful, could preserve things well. Cupping a handful of fire, I raised it to my mouth, preparing myself for the grotesque taste. Just as I was about to bring it to my mouth, Sadie slapped my hand away, spilling the fire all over my knees.

"Vlacas," I cursed, wiping the liquid off. Brushing the fire off my hand, I glared at Sadie. "Why'd you do that?"

"Don't kill yourself," she scolded, like everyone already knew what she meant.

"Don't kill yourself? Ha, you must be joking. Fire in this river heals you, in Annabeth's scene," I scoffed, enjoying her dumbfounded face. Cupping my hands again, I filled my mouth with the fiery liquid--and instantly gagged.

"Jaz!" Will screamed and rushed to my side. I managed to swallow and grin unconvincingly.

"I'm fine," I sputtered, still trying to rid my mouth of the taste. It tasted like I had eaten a dirty, rotten sock, just multiply it by 10,000. You still wouldn't get how disgusting it was. I feebly reached in and grabbed a handful for Sadie. Gulping, she sipped, and instantly got the same reaction. Little by little, cuts and blisters began disappearing on her skin, but her mouth seemed like the worst part on her body.

Repeating the sequence with Will, and watching him struggling to swallow, we turned away from the river Phlegathon and walked on with disgusted faces, not looking back.

 


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Fri Aug 08, 2014 4:10 pm
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r4p17 wrote a review...



Hello Wise! Knight r4 here for yet another review. I certainly hope that this helps you.

I haven't eaten in days, except for ambrosia
Which definition of ambrosia are you using. I found two things that are edible. One of them was a kind of bread and another was a dessert. I assume you mean the dessert, but idk for sure.

I ranted, losing all the impatience I had fenced in for days.
I would change up your wording so that this is a little less confusing, technically this means that she is actually becoming patient, though I know you meant it to mean try opposite. :P

I snapped, and they quickly lifted themselves off the floor.
I am sorry if this sounds a little too nit picky, but to be honest with you you didn't tell us that they were in a building until you said that they were on the floor. So you might want to.

"We just replayed the Annabeth and Percy scene, when they were here."
Excuse me I am forgetting one of the characters introduced, but who are Annabeth and Percy. I don't recollect hearing anything about them before. :-/

Cupping a handful of fire, I raised it to my mouth,
Uh, you don't just pick up fire with your hands. You can't. Moreover you can't drink fire. So therefore even if this is science-fiction or whatever it is is think this is rather unrealistic! I know that this is fanfic, but this is still weird. You might want to explain it more.

"Don't kill yourself," she scolded, like everyone already knew what she meant.
I believe than an exclamation point would be in order in this sentence not a comma.

Overall I thought this chapter was decent, though the part about the fire was just weird. I was happy that there weren't any huge villains or monsters chasing/fighting them. That was good! I thought that was getting old as I mentioned. So I am glad that you slowed the pace down. However I am still a little unsure of the plot and where this thing is going. For instance why are they in Tartarus what do they need to find or do? I don't think you told us that, though even if you did it would be nice if you could remind us.

Aside from those few things the rest was decent. Your smaller picture in this chapter was good, but remember to keep the big picture in mind. And listen to Therese about the senses. XP. Happy writing!!! :D

This review courtesy of
Image




erilea says...


I'll explain to you.

Ambrosia is this magical type of brownie square which can heal you in Greek Mythology.

The floor is the ground. Remember, nothing in Tartarus except monsters.

Annabeth and Percy are from Percy Jackson.

You can cup the river Phelegathon in your hands. Read!

I don't bother explaining anything else.



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Thu Aug 07, 2014 1:17 pm
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ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Remembered you, and decided to come take a look. Had to review, hon. :D

Er, I haven't read the Fourth book of Heroes of Olympus, so I can see that I'm missing something here, but I'll just try to help you with structure, description, ect...

I had hit her quite hard, and she was still recovering. My friend was still a little grumpy from the scene


Now here I put in red the redundant parts. In order to avoid redundancy, just try to read aloud after you finish a work and pick out all forms of redundancy. Usually works for me, but there have been definite exceptions, as the method isn't perfect. :P

Don't you even dare say a word


I think you're missing a word here. It's the one in bold.

Sadie slapped my hand away, spilling the fire all over my knees.

"Vlacas," I cursed, wiping the liquid off. Pulling my hand away, I glared at Sadie.


Just a wee bit more of redundancy!


One thing I figured I'd talk to you about is description. Although, you seem to have it down in inserting it throughout the entire piece, I figured I'd talk to you about a different element.

The Five Senses

So what I noticed here, is that you only use one sense! SIGHT. Well, in order to create a complete picture, you need to use all five senses. It's extremely hard to get down at first, but it will come pretty easy once you get the hang on it.

While writing description, try to imagine that you're, your character, and try to feel whatever their sensations are. What do they smell? What do they feel? Is the ground--on their feet--hard or soft? Perhaps, theirs something grating or squawking in the back round?

Now those are just examples, but try to insert all five senses in, if you want to create a beautiful clear picture for your reader.

Er, one more thing I noticed is that you use a lot of references towards Percy and AnnaBeth. Since this isn't my story, I can only give my opinion on such a thing, and you can choose to listen or not. :D

It's not Percy and AnnaBeth's story. It's Jaz's, Sadie's, and Will's story. Now I think one or two references to them would be fine, but ultimately try to keep them down. You're telling the story for these character's sake, not for the sake of the character's of somebody else's book. So many references can only drag down on your character, and make them seem non-important, and Percy and Annebeth will seem much more important than them! :D I don't think that's what you're going for.

The Character's that you are describing are the ones that we will know in the end, and will feel for when you reach a critical peak of their character arc. Since Jaz, Sadie, and Will are the main characters (as far as I can tell at least) you will need to cut back the references and make it THEIR story. :D

As this is your story, you can choose whether or not to take this advice. XD

Hope this little bit helped you, and keep writing!

~Cricket




erilea says...


Thanks! It really helped; I will definitely check out those errors you pointed out to me. Byezeez!





Glad I could be of service to you, hon!



erilea says...


:D



r4p17 says...


As you see Therese I am here for a review too.



erilea says...


Hello?





Lol I just read your awesome review r4. Hi wise girl...



erilea says...


Hey, Cricket!





ER, how's ya? Lol



erilea says...


:D




You can cut all the flowers, but you cannot stop Spring from coming.
— Pablo Neruda