z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Going through Time-Chapter Five: To the Big Apple

by erilea


       I woke up right next to Sadie and Will, Sadie adopting a worried look on her face. Her worried look turned to joy as I awakened, and nearly suffocated me in a hug. "Can't--breath--" I choked out.

"Oh!" She exclaimed, immediately letting me go, plonking my head on the ground. I gasped in pain and she looked down, blush creeping up her face. Handing me some ambrosia, she watched as I gulped it down and immediately felt better. Feelings of warmth and security flowed through my veins, filling me with energy. Although when I tried to sit up, a agonizing pain shot up my arm and I collapsed, sweating and my face white.

"What happened?--" I asked, coughing a little. 

"Well, Will and I jumped off the cliff like you said, and Will managed to gather enough concentration to slow time and allow us to drift to the ground, as if we had a parachute. Then, we heard you screaming, and looked up to see you falling to the ground. All we did was stand there, until we realized we were going to be hit on the head and I dragged Will to the side. You landed on your arm, but you had already fainted--"

Will chuckled.

"--and we were waiting for hours before you finally woke up." Sadie finished. She tugged on her hair, looking at me, waiting for my reply.

"Oh, thanks," I mumbled, and tried to get up. Again, the pain crept up my arm, but I gritted my teeth and hauled myself up against the cliff. I walked towards Sadie, my arm bending in an awkward direction. Sadie noticed it and shook her head.

"With that arm twisted like that, you'll never be able to fight with your left arm again," she muttered, then called to Will. She explained that she was going to hold me down and Will was going to wrench your arm back into place. I shuddered, and tried not to run away screaming. They got in their places and Sadie held me down lightly with her hands. Will then grabbed my arm and smirked.

"This is going to hurt," he said, then brought it back into its socket. I screamed and nearly broke my friends' eardrums. 

"Geez," Sadie said, trying not to laugh. "What are you doing, auditioning for an opera?" At that I chuckled, which turned into a fully-developed laugh. I hadn't laughed for so long, facing all these monsters and demigods and this quest, knowing that I was gonna die in a few days. I had fenced myself in, not allowing anything to reach me. It felt good to let myself out.

"Yes, wanna hear me?" I asked, playing along. I then did a very bad impression of an opera singer, throwing my hand on my chest and my other hand up. Sadie laughed even harder, while Will just stood off to the side. "C'mon, Will, laugh!" I encouraged, but he didn't seem to hear me. He was looking behind me, staring at something enough to make him scream. I slowly turned around, and my happy mood immediately vanished when I saw the giant cyclops behind me. It had smelly breath, like your mom's burnt chicken mixed with sour milk and Hades's Gym Shorts. Trust me, that does not smell good. It roared, breathing again, and I could smell his breath about twenty feet away. I wrinkled my nose. Well, all I could do was fight and breath through my mouth. So I got the monster's attention.

"Hey, ugly, when did your mama have you? In 1601? You've got enough wrinkles." I yelled, and  unfortunately, it worked. It zeroed its one eye on me and roared again. Mouth breather! I sidestepped as he curled his hand into a fist and smashed it where I was just standing. "Hey, where were you born? In the sewer? Of course, no sewer can fit you, but I bet you enjoyed showering with toilet water!" I taunted, giving him notion where I was. It trampled everything in its path--and didn't hesitate. He leaped to where I was and before I could react, he grabbed me in his calloused, green, dirt-covered hand and brought me to his mouth. This time, when he roared, I nearly fainted from the smell. "Ugh, shut your mouth!" I screamed. Big mistake, I thought, when he opened his mouth and held me over it. Surprisingly, he dropped me and growled in pain. I fell fifty feet in the air, slowed down time, and lightly landed on the floor in a cat-like position. I turned and saw Nico di Angelo, my Italian friend, battling the monster with his Stygian Iron sword. I grinned and rushed to help.

"So, when did you get into this mess?" he asked me loudly.

"When I heard I was going to die if I didn't," I answered coolly, slashing the cyclops's foot.

"Harsh," he proclaimed, and I nodded. Nico was more comfortable around me than anybody else, and I appreciated it. Sadie ran over to us and started dashing around, sticking her sword anywhere she could. She even stuck it where the sun doesn't shine. Nico and I grinned at that. We finally managed to get enough injuries on the monster and watched it run away, growling. 

I high-fived Sadie and asked Nico, "How did you get here?"

"Well, I was visiting my dad's palace," he started. I still didn't know how he could hang around Hades and the Underworld so much. Oh well, he was Hades's son.

"And my dad was talking to me about how I should be brave and show people what you're worth, blah blah blah," he continued, and I giggled. "Suddenly he stood up and said, 'Somebody needs you,' and sent me rocketing upwards to the surface. I was scared to death. No pun intended," he added. 

"That was still a bad pun though," I remarked and turned to Will. "Hey, ignorance, come join the club!" I shouted. 

"I'm coming," he shouted, running over.

"So, where d'ya wanna go?" I asked my friends. None of them answered. Except for Nico.

"I'll stay with you for a little. Then I'll shadow travel back to Camp Half-Blood," he murmured. He was a lot quieter around my other friends.

"OK, thanks, but where?" I asked, getting frustrated.

"Why, to New York, my friend." Nico answered.


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Sun Nov 30, 2014 11:51 pm
Dracula wrote a review...



Hey! Review Day is almost over and I love your story so I thought I'd review it and get my team some more points. :)

Handing me some ambrosia, she watched as I gulped it down and immediately felt better. I love the mention of ambrosia, but I would like to know more about how taking it felt. What sensations were felt?

Sadie noticed it and shook her head.
You can just say that she noticed, not noticed 'it'.

I love the description of the smelly, giant cyclops! haha :P It's also really funny how they talk to it.

"and my dad was talking to me about how I should be brave and show people what you're worth, blah blah blah," he continued
If it's the start of a new paragraph, it needs a capital letter.

There you go! Well done on another brilliant chapter.




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Sun Jul 27, 2014 12:43 pm
r4p17 wrote a review...



Hello wisegirl. It's Knight r4 here for yet another review. I certainly hope this helps you!

I woke up right next to Sadie and Will, Sadie adopting a worried look on her face.
As I said in my review of the previous chapter, this is so not dramatic. I mean really. You go from plunging to your death to waking up with your best friend (who should be dead) staring at you! I think you could do something a little bit more dramatic than that.

"With that arm twisted like that, you'll never be able to fight with your left arm again,"
This is a little bit too wordy here. I would say something like, You will never be able to fight with your left arm after it was twisted! Notice the exclamation point at the end.

and my happy mood immediately vanished when I saw the giant cyclops behind me.
really?! These bad guys are just relentless! I mean come one!

I turned and saw Nico di Angelo, my Italian friend, battling the monster with his Stygian Iron sword.
Who is this dude? I mean it seems like we have met at least three villains, not to mention that "Hipster Dude". I am kind of starting to lose track of all these people. I think that you could slow the pace down like I said before.

"Suddenly he stood up and said, 'Somebody needs you,' and sent me rocketing upwards to the surface. I was scared to death. No pun intended," he added.
. This doesn't make sense. Why is it in quotes?

"Why, to New York, my friend." Nico answered.
Why would they go to New York when they are out in the middle of California or somewhere thereabouts?

Overall I am kind of getting tired of all the action followed by dialogue. It is kind of getting same old same old. Plow the pace down and smooth things out. We haven't really gotten to know much about the characters yet. I feel like I am watching an action movie without any reason for any of the action. Happy writing!!!

This review was brought to you by Team Rocket!




erilea says...


Okay. I'm a little mad. You totally ruined part of your review. Right below I explained about Nico, and the cyclops. I think my work is perfectly fine. No offense. And New York is the entrance to the Underworld. Please read my next chapters! And for your question on the quotes, because it was somebody speaking. Puh-lease.



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Fri Jul 18, 2014 10:21 pm
erilea says...



I'll answer any questions right now. OK, a Cyclops is a big, giant monster with only one eye on its forehead.

And if you haven't read Percy Jackson, Nico di Angelo is the son of Hades. He doesn't talk much except with Jaz and Bianca. In the fourth book in Heroes of Olympus, he admits he like Percy Jackson himself. (Yes, he's gay.) But enough of that. He hangs out and talks with the dead. Nico isn't welcomed into Camp Half-Blood, and his father Hades isn't welcome on Olympus. He got the worst drawing out of the areas of power, and got the Underworld, where the dead go. Has a Stygian Iron sword, which can take your soul out of you if it touches you. Pretty creepy, huh? He used to be 10 years old, and was that age when we first saw him. He also lived in the Lotus Hotel and Casino, a place where it slows time and you could go by eighty years and it feels like a month. That's what happened to Nico. He then got a lawyer to take him out (which was really a fury, creature of the Underworld.) Then he was submitted into a school, whose principle was a manticore.

That is where Annabeth falls off a cliff and Nico is rescued by Percy, Thalia, and Grover, along with his sister Bianca, who becomes a huntress and dies. After her death, Nico becomes distant, pale, and cold.

I hope this explanation for you was enough. I spent a long time on this. About 15 minutes. Hehe. I hope you like this story and please review some more! I would appreciate it if you will! Please follow me if you really think I'm cool or anything. I will probably like you too. I give credit to Rick Riordan for his Percy Jackson books and characters. Nico and Bianca\Percy\Annabeth are all his characters. Jaz, Will, and Sadie are mine.




erilea says...


I'll answer any questions right now. OK, a Cyclops is a big, giant monster with only one eye on its forehead. It looks like this:

http://static.comicvine.com/uploads/ori ... -632px.jpg

Just click on the link. And if you haven't read Percy Jackson, Nico di Angelo is the son of Hades. He doesn't talk much except with Jaz and Bianca. In the fourth book in Heroes of Olympus, he admits he like Percy Jackson himself. (Yes, he's gay.) But enough of that. He hangs out and talks with the dead. Nico isn't welcomed into Camp Half-Blood, and his father Hades isn't welcome on Olympus. He got the worst drawing out of the areas of power, and got the Underworld, where the dead go. Has a Stygian Iron sword, which can take your soul out of you if it touches you. Pretty creepy, huh? He used to be 10 years old, and was that age when we first saw him. He also lived in the Lotus Hotel and Casino, a place where it slows time and you could go by eighty years and it feels like a month. That's what happened to Nico. He then got a lawyer to take him out (which was really a fury, creature of the Underworld.) Then he was submitted into a school, whose principle was a manticore.

https://www.google.com/search?newwindow ... 152%3B1036
Click that mess for manticore.
That is where Annabeth falls off a cliff and Nico is rescued by Percy, Thalia, and Grover, along with his sister Bianca, who becomes a huntress and dies. After her death, Nico becomes distant, pale, and cold.

I hope this explanation for you was enough. I spent a long time on this. About 15 minutes. Hehe. I hope you like this story and please review some more! I would appreciate it if you will!



erilea says...


Please ignore my reply to my review. That was a big messup.



erilea says...


And don't click on the link.



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Fri Jul 18, 2014 9:53 pm
AdjiFlex wrote a review...



Ha. I am so bamboozled by this chapter. It is really amazing, really... odd. So these kids (somehow I believe they're kids, though it isn't made plain here) have the power to slow the flow of time at will. That is really awesome for an ability I think. Also, they fight random monsters that are seemingly hundreds of times their own size. What amazed me about all this was how casual and trivial all this was to the protagonists, like it was all just another day at the office. I wonder just who these persons are, and just what their world really is. There is mention of Hollywood, so I am supposing that they are in the real modern-day world, but that confuses me, as they are fighting monsters in caves - this makes me even more want to know what the heck id going on there. Great chapter - nothing to really complain about where mistakes are concerned either.




erilea says...


Oh, Percy Jackson does that all the time. He fights monsters like, every single day. And plus, Hollywood is where the Underworld is, and Tartarus is in the Underworld, so if you have any other ideas where Tartarus is let me know. Thanks for the review. What does bamboozled mean?



AdjiFlex says...


well technically it means fooled or tricked but I used it to mean frightened (like a good kinda fright though) :D




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