z

Young Writers Society


12+

Fallen Soldiers-the story of Unifest and the revolution

by restlessheart14


Ch.1 June Degrafs

“Haaaaaa. Agghhhh.” I looked at the man I just pulverized and threw to the ground. My sparring master looked at me with amusement. “What?! What is so funny?” “My dear just because you can throw my troops around pretend likes its nothing and not even break a sweat is something remarkable, yes?” This was not the response I was expecting, I looked at him dumbfounded. “Are my skills not helpful to you? Do you not wish I join this army?” “Your skills are perfectly helpful, but June they are not needed right now.” This man made me crazy. “NOT NEEDED? Who are you trying to kid? I’ve seen all the signs asking for volunteers!” “Signs?” he asked confused. “Miss Degrafs we need healers and spies. We’ve no use for….brute strength. The resistance has become to powerful, we need time to regroup.” “Re- regroup?” I whispered fiercely. “Yes our soldier counts have been dropping and the casualties have been rising.” “Then you need me!” “No,” His voice got stern, “We do not need you, you are dismissed.” The fire had returned to my eyes and body. He turned to face me again, “Oh and June? Do not prove to be difficult.” Then left back to his quarters. “DIFFICULT?” I shouted both angry and defeated when he was out of hearing range. I walked off the mat took off my padded gloves and tape grabbed my bag and walked out into the slowly deteriorating neighborhood known as Unifest. My home. I crossed the street and walked up the rest of the street to the corner where there was a small diner. “Hey Akilah.” “Hey baby girl.” She smiled at my from behind the counter. Akilah was 13 years older than me at age 31making me 18, we owned the shop together now since I had lived with her since my parents were killed. I was five years old when they were murdered by the resistance. Akilah then frowned, “It didn’t go well did it?” I shrugged my bag off and put on an apron, “He said my skills were helpful but were not needed. He said they need healers and spies not brute strength.” The door chimed and a bunch of kids about two years younger than me walked in laughing and hanging on each other. Tonight was the celebration of our republics freedom people from many different towns painted their faces in miraculous designs and colors, danced around, got drunk, and had a merry ole time. I rolled my eyes the celebration was a stupid occasion. Akilah saw and tsked at me then nodded toward the customers who probably came to get stoned. I walked up to them, “Can I help you?” and put on a large fake smile. One of the boys spoke up, he had short wavy blonde hair and blue eyes with a strong set jaw. “We will all have some sodas and bring some fries please.” “Josh!” One of the blonde girls squealed, “There is no need to say please to her!” I sighed and went to get their things. I gave them their things then swiflty turned away back to the counter, “Thank you!” Josh shouted at my back, I stopped didn’t turn around then continued walking. Instead of stopping at the counter I kept walking into the back passed the kitchen staff and to the spiral stairs that led up to our apartment and sat on the fourth stair. Drew the diners cook, and Akilahs boyfriend came up to me, “Is everything alright Juniper?” That was his nickname for me because my eyes resembled the purple color of a juniper plants cones. I sighed and squeezed my shoulder closer around my chest, “Yes everything is fine. Its just one of those days.” I smiled sadly up to him. He sat next to me, “Well you know my Papa used to say that everything happens for a reason.” He rubbed my shoulders in attempt to comfort me. I looked at him, “Thanks.” “Anytime Juniper.” Drew smiled then told me to go check on my guests. I walked back to the table all who was left was Josh who sat drinking the rest of his pop and eating french fries. His face was painted with bright gold symbols with a slash of blue. “Did they all leave you?” I teased him. “Yeah none of them had money to pay.” He laughed. He looked away suddenly, “Here this should cover the cost and keep the change for yourself.” He gave me 20 samoas. I looked shocked at him for this was more than enough money to cover the food and drinks. He smiled pleasantly at me then left with a slight step in his walk. It was now 5 o’clock, the firework show started at seven, and it was the one thing I looked forward to every year even though the cause was stupid and over celebrated. I had begged Akilah to let me off a little early so I could go watch the beautiful colored sparks fly up into the sky and explode. I was getting antsy, my shift ended at 6:30, which was just enough time to get down to the docks. An elderly couple walked in next, I had always thought they were so cute the way they fussed over each other and everything. I came up to them with a genuine smile and asked them what they wanted. By the time they left it was 6:15 , Akilah looked at me and smiled, “Go ahead.” I threw off my apron and was about to charge out the door when I heard her yell “Wait!” I stopped and turned, “I have something for you dear.” She pulled out sticks of purple and gold paint. “Oh my gosh! Thank you so much!” I hugged her then raced outside and down to the lake docks. It was crowded and immediately I was overwhelmed, I went to the nearest restroom and stuck on my paint in a large design that covered half my face. I walked to where some old benches had been set up then saw the perfect spot, next to the mid row of benches all the way to the left there was a tall sturdy tree. I went to it and looked up it for footholds, there were many. I started climbing and perched my self about three quarters of the way up resting against the trunk. I took out my dacent, which was a small device that allowed me to contact people, navigate, and check the time. It was 6:55, I heard a crash from below and nearly fell out “Hey.” Josh said, “Mind if I join you? My friends ditched me to go make out.” I laughed nervously. Did I want this boy next to me? “Of course.” He smiled again, bigger this time. “Sweet.” He like me rested his back against the massive base of the tree. He turned to face me, “I like your face paint. Did you do it yourself?” He asked me. “Oh uh yea, I mean yes.” He looked at it a little longer giving me time to see more of his facial features which still had a bit of baby fat. “The purple brings out the purple in your eyes.” He whispered mesmerized. I smiled and looked down embarrassed. “No please, they….” Josh was cut off by the first boom of the fireworks, and we both turned to look. It was beautiful blue gold red green and purple shards were stuffed in this one and showered through the sky. The show lasted 45 minutes, and for the finale a song was played to symbolize that this was a very triumphant event I looked down and people everywhere seemed to have found someone it kiss, it was tradition anyway. Then it ended, I sighed and kept looking after the last sparks. Josh was watching me again, “Whats your name?” He asked finally. I switched my gaze to him, “June Degrafs. How about your full name?” I asked back. He smiled, “Fair enough and its Josh Copacey.” “You like it?” He asked after I didn’t reply. I looked away from his bright eyes. “Let me walk you home?” He asked pleadingly. I faced him once more, “Alright.” We got down from the tree and stood for a second. Finally he asked, “Wheres your house?” “Oh um I don’t have one. I mean I live above the diner.” I finished seeing his confusion. “Oh,” we started walking, “Do your parents own it?” I looked straight ahead, “No they were murdered when I was five.” Josh mouth opened then closed, he chose his words carefully, “Im so sorry, were you close to them?” “Yeah.” My voice wavered unintentionally. “Uhh are you still going to school?” He asked quickly like it was a rude thing to say. “No Akilah helps me with math reading and writing, which is all I need.” He nodded. The diner was in view now and from back here it looked like it was messily put together almost as if it was stacked by a child playing with blocks. “Do you?” I asked. “Yeah.” He replied “Do you play any sports?” At least that’s what I thought they were called. His eyes brightened again, “Yes I do, I play soccer.” I smiled, “And how’s that going?” “Great actually we are having an amazing season. We have only lost one game.” We reached the threshold of the diner. I looked at the door, “Well I guess I’ll see you around?” I asked him. “Definitely.” He smiled at me once more. I walked in the door and up to our apartment, Drew was there because I could smell his cologne. He must be with Akilah, which meant Akilah was stressed again, probably about taxes. I went to my room and threw myself against the pillow. I awoke in the night to the sound of gunfire and looked out my window. There on the ground right infront of the diner was a man holding a gun dressed in a Unifests uniform and on the ground was a man dressed in street clothes with a red bandana around his neck. I knew exactly what the bandana meant, he was a resistance fighter that needed a place to stay the night through. Had the bandana been blue it would have meant he is just passing by and didn’t need a thing. I grabbed Akilahs bat that she kept above the refrigerator in our apartment and went to help the resistannce fighter. I didn’t know why I felt the need to help him especially after I just tried to join the Unifest army. I slammed through the door and smashed my bat hard and true into the soldiers head. There was a sickening crunch and he dropped like a stone, I dragged the body over to the other side of the street and ran back to the other man. I picked up his head and held it in my hands, he didn’t look much older than me, maybe 19? “Are you okay?” I whispered frantically a few times until his eyes fluttered open saw me then shut again. I looked for the bullet wound, it was right inbetween his shoulder and breast on the right side which meant his heart was for the most part untouched. “Can you stand?” I whispered into his ear. Without opening his eyes his left arm found my shoulder and I helped him get up. While I helped him into the diner I noticed he was limping really bad on his left ankle. I tried to take more of his weight but he protested. I gently sat him in a booth and took out the table giving him more room. I ran up to apartment again grabbed peroxide, some rags, and whatever looked like bandages to my now alert eyes. While running through the kitchen I grabbed a pair of tongs and stopped next to him putting my things down and put a few back lights on in order not to cause too much attention. I went back to his side and used the tongs to help get the bullet out the best I could. The man moaned in pain, tears started sliding down my face. I was so upset I did not have any numbing medicine, finally the bullet came loose. I grabbed the peroxide put it on a rag and started dabbing his shoulder. Now the tears were sliding down his face, I sobbed harder. When the bubble seemed to subside I grabbed and looked through the bandages I brought down and found a nice thick one slowly I told him I needed him to take his shirt off. He couldn’t hear me, I started undressing his upper half which was a leather jacket and underneath a plaid shirt then finally a white undershirt. All were bloodied. His chest was neatly chisled and he had abs poking through the deep rising and falling of his lungs. I took the thick bandage and put it down the took a soft white thin bandaging fabric and wrapped it around the other side of his neck than back around and under his right arm pit and up again. I did this about three times before the roll ran out then I found to small clips to keep the binding together.


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46 Reviews


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Reviews: 46

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Sun May 25, 2014 3:11 pm
Astronaut wrote a review...



Okay I really like your story. I honestly do. But PARAGRAPHS PARAGRAPHS PARAGRAPHS. Seriously, I found this story very difficult to enjoy, because my eyes needed a break. Any time there's new dialogue, or a change in topic, insert a new paragraph.

Also, I noticed a lack of commas. I'm not going to correct every single one, but here is a simple rule: when in doubt, use a comma. If it looks like there could be a comma, chances are, that's where the comma should be.

In some of the places where you did use commas, you ended up using a comma splice. This is where you need a conjunction after the comma, or a semicolon to replace it. For example:

"I looked for the bullet wound, it was right inbetween..."

Should be either "I looked for the bullet wound, and it was right inbetween..."

Or "I looked for the bullet wound; it was right inbetween..."

"Akilah was 13 years older than me at age 31making me 18," I don't think you need to say that they were 13 years apart in age, and give BOTH their ages. Either only say their ages, or say they were 13 years apart and give only one age.

The chapter ends rather abruptly. Not in a cliffhanger sort of way, it just feels like there should be more. You might want to add a little bit more to the end.

Overall, I really enjoyed your chapter, and if hope you continue!

-Dominusatramentum




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Sun May 25, 2014 2:28 pm
deleted5 wrote a review...



Hey there! Alex here to review this chapter for team red!
First of all...
AHHHH!!! MY EYES!!!!!!
Ahem, that is another way of saying PLEASE make paragraphs to break up the text! It makes it extremely hard to follow, read and review! Remember that every bit of dialogue goes onto a new paragraph (someone did an example below).

Another thing:

“NOT NEEDED? Who are you trying to kid? I’ve seen all the signs asking for volunteers!”

Generally in stories (especially more serious ones) full capitals are not used. This is what exclamation marks are for!

Also I think you need to include more description about the settings, what's going on and the transitions between! I found it hard to realise where the characters were going (This may be due to the paragraphing). There was no description at all about the army place and the transition between the firework show and the incident with the man was very quick and almost unnoticeable.

And for the love of god why did the MC decide to kill that soldier with no thought? if you are going to do it as part of the storyline add some of the MC's own thoughts on it!

Finally:
“No they were murdered when I was five.” Josh mouth opened then closed, he chose his words carefully

I think this needs some sort of pause before this text like "she paused for a moment" or "she looked away". Otherwise this borderlines on quite blunt.

I know this review sounded a bit negative but I really do love the concept behind it of this uprising! Just make some stuff a lot clearer and this will be great!

See ya!




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Thu May 22, 2014 12:37 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello Anan, Wolf here for a review.
I just want to start off by saying one word: paragraphs. Please use them. It makes it so much easier to read. You start a paragraph each time there is a new thought. Also, when there is new dialogue you start a new paragraph. For example:

"I like your shoes," Cindy said.
"Thank you," Mary said, "I just bought them today!"

That's not the best example, but it gets the point across. On to the nitpicks!
So in the beginning, it wasn't very clear who was speaking when. Try to add tags to tell who was talking when.

“What?! What is so funny?”

Quick little tip: So even though it is not grammatically incorrect to use both an exclamation point and a question mark after one phrase, it would look better if you only put the exclamation point, since we can tell this is a question.
“NOT NEEDED?"

Another quick tip: So another way to make someone look more professional, even though it too is not grammatically incorrect, is to stay away from all caps words. I would recommend to use italics instead. It gets the emphasis across and looks better.
"We’ve no use for….brute strength."

So an ellipsis only consists of three dots, so try not to put too many. Also you need a space after the ellipsis and 'brute'.
"The resistance has become to powerful, we need time to regroup."

So this is the first of many places where you have a comma splice (or a place with two sentences with only a comma to connect them). To help check if it's a comma splice ask yourself "If the comma were a period, would this be two sentences?" If the answer is yes, than you have two main options. You can either:
a) Make them two sentences.
or
b) Make the comma a semi-colon. However, I wouldn't reccomend using a semi-colon as often as you have comma splices. Most readers aren't fond of semi-colons and just seem them as someone 'trying to show off'. You have more comma splices than I can count, and naming them all would be pointless.
Then left back to his quarters.

I feel like this is an awkward sentence, mostly because it's not a complete thought. Re-word it a little.
I walked off the mat took off my padded gloves and tape grabbed my bag and walked out into the slowly deteriorating neighborhood known as Unifest.

So here is a spot where you don't have enough commas. Since you are listing what she is doing, you need commas between the lists, to make things more clear, easier to read, and not make it look all jumbled.
I crossed the street and walked up the rest of the street to the corner where there was a small diner.

This sentence is a bit repetitious. You repeat street twice, somewhat ruining the flow. Maybe replace the second 'the street' with it.
Akilah was 13 years older than me at age 31making me 18, we owned the shop together now since I had lived with her since my parents were killed.

First off: Need a space between '31' and 'making' Second: This is another comma splice, just another example.
...hanging on each other.

Really? I didn't think kids would walk into a place like that. A very interesting way to introduce them.
I rolled my eyes the celebration was a stupid occasion.

Now here is a run-on. This is very similar to the comma splice. Use the same rules as a comma splice to fix it.

Also in this area, you just kind of shove a lot of info here. It seems so uneccisary and I would recommend finding a different way to show this information, other than just telling us.
I walked up to them, “Can I help you?” and put on a large fake smile.

When dialogue is squished in the middle of two tags, it just makes it very awkward. Just put all this information in one tag.
I gave them their things then swiflty turned away back to the counter,

Swiftly is spelled wrong, the comma at the end should be a period, and this is has a lot of repetition of the word 'things' from the last paragraph.
Instead of stopping at the counter, I kept walking into the back, passed the kitchen staff, and to went to the spiral stairs that led up to our apartment and sat on the fourth stair.

Add the bold things, and remove the striked.
Drew the diners cook, and Akilahs boyfriend came up to me...

Diner's is possessive so it should have an apostrophe.
...squeezed my shoulder closer around my chest...

I'm sorry but I don't understand how one squeezes a shoulder closer around one's chest. Try to replace the word 'squeezed'.

There are so many other grammatical errors. Just use these tips that I gave you to help edit and make the story look and flow better.

Overall I like this idea, it's somewhat intriguing and I bet you can take it somewhere spectacular! Keep writing
~Wolfare




ananeutz99 says...


Haha hey I'm sorry for all the grammatical errors its one of the problems I have. I also wrote this when I was on vacation so I copied and pasted it on here from word and that's why there aren't paragraphs and it stops at a weird point because that is where I stopped copying. About the squeezed shoulder thing I do it all the time when I'm cold I basically meant that you pull you shoulder together inward. Thanks so much for the advice though! It helps a lot! I didn't know about the ellipsis and I'm sorry about my comma use. Lol and hey my name is Ana not Anan ;) thanks




I am big enough to admit I am often inspired by myself.
— Leslie Knope