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by Apricity

You're composed of dots and lines

Your body a mass

Of Artline 200

You're born margins of blue

Your life carved out

For all to see

Your heart has chambers

Of ink black crosses

That cages you in a space

Named A4

And I can unravel you

Line by line

dot by dot

And convince myself

You're merely a figment of my imagination

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12 Reviews

Points: 1040
Reviews: 12

Tue Feb 11, 2014 11:51 pm
Kristenthefanatic27 wrote a review...

I like it! I think it needs a bit of work (I'll go more into that in a second...) but overall, it's great writing with a nice message. OK. Now, remember anything negative I say about this is simply for your benefit to help you improve as a writer, in no way am I trying to offend you or make you feel bad, OK? Just remember that.
Ok...I think you could have explained just a little more about the person/thing you drew (because obviously I got you drawing or writing something in this, correct me if I'm wrong)/imagine. Who/what was it? Someone you love? If it was someone you love/lost, you could have put something like, "Lines and lines of my sorrow, dots by dots of my grief" (Yes that sucked, but you get the point). So, you could have told a little bit more about the person.
I didn't like how you drew a line through 'and convince myself'. It suggests that you don't want to admit it/he/she is fake, WHICH IS GOOD, but promotes confusion(yeah, I know you think that only an idiot would think you crossed that out because you drew a line through it, never know).
Other than that, I love the aspect of this poem. I know that feel, bro.

Apricity says...

Thank you! :D

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81 Reviews

Points: 10056
Reviews: 81

Tue Feb 11, 2014 1:57 pm
Deadman wrote a review...

Hey Subtle it's Deadman here with a review for you. As I'm not the greatest with poems, you'll have to bare with me. I'd first like to say this is a great poem, I came into it with the thought that this was about someone, and I'm still not certain, but that's great! I love the uncertainty you built with the poem. As I'm reading I'm finding little wrong, nothing strange with the lines, or grammar really. It's a well laid out poem. Congrats! I don't really seem to have any problems with it, other than this line right here.

"And convince myself" I see why you had a line through it, but it makes the poem seem unprofessional, almost like something I would see in a comment. The poem would still get it's point across in my opinion, without that line being crossed out. That's my opinion though, I'm sure someone else out there has a different one.

Other than that I didn't see much wrong on the poem at all, and what I did was just a little nitpick. Over all it's a great poem, I love the topic, and am still intrigued at what the literal meaning is of the poem. I love it, and keep up the good work! I know I'll be seeing more out of you in the future, and I can't wait! Until then, happy writing!


Deadman XD

Apricity says...

Thanks for the review, Deadman! :D

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179 Reviews

Points: 22652
Reviews: 179

Tue Feb 11, 2014 10:55 am
Magenta wrote a review...

Hello SubtleSanity. Just stopping by to take a quick peek at what you've written on Unravel. I love the poem title that you have here. It kind of sums up the poem, but doesn't quite give you the whole thing. It's sort of unraveled. Okay, that was weird. Anyway, I love the poetry that you submitted. You kind of talk to this piece of your imagination like it is a person and I think that's a strange but wonderful way to write it out. Most people write about hating this invisible thing or how it is always there and they can't ever get it to go away. But in here, it seems like you accept the fact that it is only a figment of your imagination and that there is nothing more than that. Though, I am confused at this part.

"Your body a mass

Of Artline 200" what do you mean by this?

Anyway, great job with this poem. I think it was beautifully written. Continue on writing.

Apricity says...

Heyo! Thanks for the review! Ah, Artline 200 is a fine liner I use when drawing. I was actually doodling when I came up with this idea, as for the rest. I have deliberately written the poem so that the readers can interpret it however they want. Thanks for the review, once again! :D

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
— Mark Twain