The evils in this world
Beckon enticingly
With their gold-covered fingertips
Drawing me in steadily.
Temptation latches on to me,
Its silver frame shining,
Pointing and coaxing me towards
Beautiful Deceit.
Depression urges me to embrace
The diamond-inlaid knives
That circle me with a passion.
The Master of all,
Selfishness,
Who drives Lord Hell's soul,
Wraps around me like a blanket;
Except this blanket refuses warmth
No matter how long I wear it,
Longing for the beauty of heat.
And so,
I fall deeper and deeper
Into the pit that is
Despair.
And yet,
There is a glimmer of hope,
A whisper of a star,
Whose warmth creeps in
Among the frost.
And when I finally reach the bottom of the pit;
A hand catches me.
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137,562 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Whoa! This is just... Wow! So impressive! The imagery is great, which, as I said before, I love. You seem to easily create your feelings into characters you know and interact with, which I know can be a difficult task. I also like the title. While it is simple, it does a good job representing the poem. I also like how at the end of the poem you are presented with a form of hope, that stops you from dying or form truly hitting the bottom of the pit of despair. You also summarize a huge deep topic into a poem for everyone to understand and relate to. It's a beautiful poem, good job!
Wow...........beautiful poem! The ending is VERY good. And so is the beginning.
I'll tell you the lines I liked best:
" A whisper of a star". Amazing use of figurative language.
" Beautiful Deceit". It is a wonderful expression.
There's a teeny error, though. " Among the frost" isn't a correct sentence. It should be " in the frost" or something else.
Overall, excellent job!
Keep it up.
Mysticalxx
Ok claire72 here… Love love loved the poem! There was some minor mistakes but they have already been pointed out in other reviews. So I would just like to say how great this poem is! I really enjoyed it and it is very well written. It is very deep and very passionately written. You should write another like this (unless you already did, I haven't looked through your portfolio all the way yet) I would definitely recommend this to other people to read. Very thoughtful.
No, don't read my other stuff! Read Acne and Airplane if you must, but the rest is baaaaadd..... :/ Thank you, though!
I'm sure it's great. Keep up the good work!
Ok claire72 here… Love love loved the poem! There was some minor mistakes but they have already been pointed out in other reviews. So I would just like to say how great this poem is! I really enjoyed it and it is very well written. It is very deep and very passionately written. You should write another like this (unless you already did, I haven't looked through your portfolio all the way yet) I would definitely recommend this to other people to read. Very thoughtful.
Hello, GreenTulip here to leave you a review. Okay...there are some things that I will advice you to do, but i am not going to do those right now. Right now I am going to tell you what I enjoyed. This is a good poem, wonderfully written. Even from the first few lines, I was caught in the poem, it made me want to keep reading. I really loved this part of the poem-
Now, this is where I will offer some advice for you. This is a well written poem, and you have managed to capture your thoughts wonderfully into it's words. I feel with the many ideas that you have in the poem, you might want to break them into stanzas. I can give you some examples on how you can do that. But before I do that, I will explain why I recommend stanzas. I would recommend that you use stanzas' as it will help to separate your ideas and give each one the individual attention that it deserves. This will also provide a stronger effect that you may hope to accomplish with your poem.
Okay, for my example on how you can split it up, I just chose the first two ideas that you had.
This is how I recommend that you split it into stanzas.
Okay, before I go and leave you with this review. I have read through the reviews previously left, and to make this into stanza's it's simple. Just backspace till the start of the line is right behind the previous line, and then hold shift and enter- it will put no space between the two lines and it will make your stanzas. So good day, and congrats on the well written poem.
~GreenTulip.
Thank you! The places you told me to make into stanzas were originally stanzas, but the system did not let me, no matter what I tried. I will try your advise to fix the stanza problem. Thank you for this marvelous review, I'm so glad you enjoyed my poetry!
~Racket
Wow! This is AMAZING! There are only a few things I need to say about this one. You seem to have a longer line then shorter line pattern going on here. That's all well and good, but, you need to make sure the combinations are going well together. I feel like the lines are clashing in some places. For example:
"The diamond-inlaid knives
That circle me with a passion.
The Master of all,
Selfishness,
Who drives Lord Hell's soul,"
sounds good, but it's also a little too choppy for my taste. The third and fourth lines in particular are giving me some problems. There's a very nice rhythm you have going on that gets broken and abruptly changed every few lines. My advice is to have some read it out loud to you so you can listen to how it's flowing and pick out the choppy bits.
Overall, this was great! Keep it up
Happy Writing!
Toboldlygo
Thank you for reviewing! These were to be separate stanzas, but you know the publishing problems, I assume. When I read it from my notebook in stanzas, it sounds better. I think that really is the answer to the un-fluent problem, but I'll look into it more. Thank you so much for reviewing, I really appreciate it!
~Racket
Messenger here to review for you after an exhilarating Review Day!
Oh.My.Word.I.Don't.Know.What.To.Say.
I mean seriously you wrote everything about temptation perfectly. I liked the part with the blanket that has no warmth. It is so true. You always think it will satisfy you, but it never does. You keep on wanting more, and then when it doesn't come you begin to get angry, and then . . . the end!
Such a perfect ending. It has hope (something that I love you have, because most of the time i feel like writing -especially poems- are just too dark) and the thing about the hand in my mind resembles a friend reaching out to help you. I don't know if you had this in mind, but for me I thought of it like a Christian falling into sin. It was beautiful.
I loved everything. I didn't see any errors, and it flowed well. your imagery was amazing. I feel like this was so well thought out. I can't think of any ways to help you because this was 100% perfect!
Keep it up!
Oh, thank you so much! I haven't been feeling very well where my literature is concerned, so this is really the boost I need. Thank you for this awesome review! (Yeah, it was the Christ hand catching you, but non-Christians can think of it differently.
)Thank you so much for reviewing!
~Racket