What We Have Turned Into

Hello there Racket!
It's review day and it's MergSword here with a review!

So let's begin with the memorable lines.

Clocks ticking down walls

melting futures into hard,

cold clicks.

So when I review I always make a comment on the introduction, either it's good, bad, or needs slight improvement. For this one I think it's good! I gives a simple hint on what you should expect from the rest of the poem.

Undiscovered dreams left

forgotten under the casings of

pillows.

This needs to be enhanced, or taken out completely. It just seems dull compared to the rest of the stanzas that showed passion.

I basically can only say I liked the poem and that the memorable quotes are the only thing I can really cover.

Good Job!

Hey there! I'm reviewing everyone on team tortoise and you're up next

Specifics

1. I'm not sure how clocks can melt figures - it's very abstract and is an interesting enough image to keep me reading but also hard to picture so I'm hoping for something more concrete as a follow up!

2. The second stanza does give us something more solid to hold on to and that's good, but I'm not sure about 'behind-between' as it feels a bit halting and not very smooth. I think choosing one of those words and then adding another adjective would work better. Maybe between the thin covers or between the night covers? Something that might help add to the atmosphere you're creating and give us another clue as to the main theme of the poem.

3. The third stanza feels weak too me. It's the most solid of the three in that it's a complete sentence and a recogniseable, maybe even familiar, image but it has no grounding. We haven't been told enough of what the poem is about yet and this is the stanza where I expect to get more of that and instead I get peanut butter jars. I think you need to start showing your cards at this point or you'll lose your readers - give us a reminder of your title. Something like 'This is what we've become;/ peanut butter jars in the back/ of the pantry'. You don't necessarily have to stick with the peanut butter but if you do, maybe just tag on that reminder that the poem is about us and what we're doing with our lives/ society/ whichever angle you're taking.

4. I'm not sure about the fourth stanza. I feel like dreams is a really over-used word and I'd rather know what these dreams were or maybe you could use 'aspirations' instead but I still want some specific details. I feel like it's hard to connect with the poem because none of these examples stand out as being 'me' but they're also not specific and solid enough for me to be able to picture this person or the people they refer to.

5. I like the fifth stanza. I think something about 'mixed' has especially interesting connotations because so often we talk about how people feel too isolated and alone but actually sometimes the opposite is true and our lives get so mixed together it's hard to find ourselves. I'd really like to see you dig into these thoughts though and express them in a less constrained format. Your stanzas are all so short that you only brush along the surface of any themes/ ideas you raise.

6. The ending is good but would have more impact if there was a little more pow in some of the other stanzas. I kind of like the gentle, almost dream quality of the poem as a whole but it touches on everything too lightly to make it memorable if that makes sense?

Overall

I like the idea and I think you're on the right tracks but I'd like to see you try for a different format or to go free form and really explore the issues and ideas and dig a bit more into that imagery. There are some nice line breaks like stopping at 'colliding' but I think you could do it more in places - you could have ended the fifth line on 'between' and had it positioned perfectly between the other two lines of the stanzas or not had a full stop next to 'left' at the end. That would have some really nice connotations - the question of what if left, a sort of endlessness, etc.

All the best with this and let me know if you have any questions!

~Heather

Hey there! Luata here for a review. I appreciate the meaning that you are trying to say in this poem but I feel like you use a little to much imagery here. For example:

Peanut butter jars left dusty and ignored in the back of the pantry.

Hey! This is an awesome poem! I really enjoyed how you separated the stanzas so much and it makes it stand out a lot. I totally agree with what you are stating in this poem and keep up the good work! I cannot wait to see what you write in the future....!
-Kenz:)

I love how there is a lot of mystery in this piece.. it makes it all the more interesting! Also, I like how your verses are not straightforward, so that the reader has to interpret them a little.. thats cool! I love how you said "between the covers where decisions are made" because that will appeal to this generation and this lifetime... well done and I hope to see more work from you!