There is comfortable darkness,
That which comes with sleep and early morning.
There is sweet silence,
That which comes with the slow setting of the sun,
The hiding behind clouds and worlds far away,
Unseen except for the last dying rays of an old day turning new.
There is chaos in the light,
That which comes with waking and living,
Breathing and focusing and walking and stepping into the violent rays.
Loved in the young, dark hours of the morning,
Despised - myself against the world in the light of day.
Is it fortunate I do not see the shine of light,
The gift of dawn?
Or is it a sin to be grieved?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,819 Reviews
Hey friend! Silverberry (formally bla) here!
This poem was so beautiful and deep! And I loved how you wrote about the chaos of light instead of the chaos of night, I'm pretty sure it's the road less traveled, so good job!
I especially loved these lines;
"There is sweet silence,
That which comes with the slow setting of the sun,"
You could really picture the gorgeous sunset, and you definitely used wonderful imagery. Honestly I don't know why I am writing this review because there's not much to help you with.
I guess I would say that the lines
"Loved in the young dark hours of the morning,
Despised - myself against the world in the light of day."
Were a tad bit confusing and I had to wrap my head around them a tad (If that makes sense). Perhaps add another line or two here to finish this thought?
Other than that I loved the poem and I enjoyed the little twist ending!
You know, now that I think about it, I probably should've waited a bit to do this during review day.
OH WELL!
XD It's okay! And thanks for the review. I'm glad you liked it. Yeah, that bit is a bit weird, so I may change it. Again, thanks!
Hey there! I loved this poem- it's not unnecessarily long or complicated. When I read the first stanza I was transported to my own room, envisioning it in the early morning, waking up rested and content in the darkness- to accomplish that with two lines is amazing. The rest of the poem is absolutely beautiful as well, but I do have a couple questions/nitpicks.
In the second stanza I would remove "which" in the second line- it doesn't add anything, so it doesn't need to be there. Also, "old day turning new" is just a tad awkward, and I had to reread it to understand what you meant by that phrase.
I would break the last line of the third stanza into two lines, and remove a few of the and's. It was distracting to see and read, and commas would work fine there.
See my tiny edit:
"Despised - myself against the world- in the light of day"
Finally, "to be grieved" is also kind of awkward, especially as a concluding thought. I don't really have any suggestions without changing the words, but I do think there's a better way to end it.
Again, those were just minor things, and I loved your poem.
-picklesole
Thanks for the feedback! Yeah, I'll definitely look into your suggestions. Thanks!
I feel this could very well personify how a 'devil' might feel if you ever write about one.
This is a very meaningful poem that has a lot to say.
Thank you for writing it.
You don't need any edits I feel, I wouldn't change it, as it is very clear and beautiful the way it is! *Adds to favorite poems list*...
Thanks for reviewing it! I'm glad you liked it.