Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » General

E - Everyone

You were in it For ink and honey

by InTheTrees


You were in it

For ink and honey

Licked off of other people's fingers;

Secondhand sweetness,

With just a hint of oozing anger

Down your textured chin.

It's no wonder

That I sometimes find bee corpses in the snow,

Their finger-like appendages

Curled around the dark belly of warmth

Where a borrowed ember once burned.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
813 Reviews


Points: 28451
Reviews: 813

Donate
Thu Jan 30, 2014 12:58 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there, Trees!

Since you took the time to review my work, I decided to stop in and take a look at yours.

I love the images. They're beautiful, meshing together and creating a cohesive picture.

I wonder what this is about, though. There are so many images that the idea has become obscured. I generally use images to support the main idea, but here you've let the images overrun it. What I'm getting from it is that someone is angry, but wrong, having taken other's work or success or honey, and still wants more. I don't know if I'm on the right track.

My suggestion is to work on the clarity of the message. Your imagery is beautiful, but poems can't be just a collection of lyrical words.

Down your textured chin.
I'm not feeling the word "textured" here. It's too vague. What texture is it?

I also would like to address your format and punctuation. I think the first two lines should be combined because it wouldn't create such a strange mental pause.

Don't use "just" in the fifth line-- "just" minimizes things that don't need to be minimized.

I don't understand the second to last line very well. Perhaps clarify it a bit?

You need more punctuation at the ends of your lines, too. Here's how I would format/ grammarize it (if that's even a word):
"You were in it for ink and honey
Licked off of other people's fingers:
Secondhand sweetness
With a hint of oozing anger
Down your textured chin.
It's no wonder that I sometimes find
Bee corpses in the snow,
Their finger-like appendages
Curled around the dark belly of warmth
Where a borrowed ember once burned."

Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this. Happy writing!




User avatar
396 Reviews


Points: 27
Reviews: 396

Donate
Sat Jan 18, 2014 6:21 pm
Pompadour wrote a review...



Why hello there, InTheTrees! Pompadour here for a quick review!

OK, so I absolutely loved the title you've chosen here! I mean, it really made me think. Ink and honey? How strange ... yet how enticing. Is this poem meant to bring to life the surreal wanders of a dreamer? Because if it is, then it has been done very aptly! But there were times when I felt like this poem, although beautiful, was a collection of pretty words. Maybe that's just me, but this was actually truly beautiful. I don't have anything to say here, really, except that you change the "For" in the title to lowercase.

I absolutely loved the imagery you used here!

It's no wonder

That I sometimes find bee corpses in the snow,


Simply lovely. <3

Keep it up! Keep writing!

Cheers,
~Pompadour :D




InTheTrees says...


Thank you so much Pompadour! Also, I really love your name! As for the pretty word thing, it's something I've sort of struggled with. I have trouble writing about specific things and sort of just put down what comes out. So, the surreal wandering thing isn't too far off :)



Pompadour says...


^ I know how that is. I've often received reviews saying, "Now, the imagery is nice but what exactly is the purpose of this piece?" And it's quite alright, since poetry is actually man's wanders put on paper. Aww, thank you! I hope to read some more of your work soon. :D



User avatar
41 Reviews


Points: 663
Reviews: 41

Donate
Wed Jan 15, 2014 6:57 pm
brielle says...



I like these Poem. Descritive, wornder. pretty words. My fav. line is "Down your textured chin." i thought little something about that, at frist i was like ink and honey, then for some reson i thought ofc cake icing . lmao, but i like these.




InTheTrees says...


Thanks! Hah, that would probably be a pretty odd cake ^.^



User avatar
205 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 205

Donate
Wed Jan 15, 2014 3:29 pm
AEChronicle wrote a review...



Nice work!

The choice of words is brilliant, as it helps you to picture everything. The combination of ink and honey is what I like best. It brings to mind a dark, yet sweet thing, which is what you're going for here. Secondhand sweetness is probably the best line in the poem, surreal, yet with enough connection to reality to make ones wheels start turning.

I like that it can be interpreted so many different ways, but it seems to have a single purpose. All in all, I like this very much.

Thank you InTheTrees!




InTheTrees says...


I'm glad you liked it! Have a lovely day!



User avatar
472 Reviews


Points: 336
Reviews: 472

Donate
Wed Jan 15, 2014 6:34 am
Wisteria wrote a review...



Hey InTheTrees, Subtle here for a review on this boiling day (over in my timezone)! First of all, I really like the title. Is an interesting title and it drew me in instantly, also the image you have created in this poem is quite lovely as well.

Now on with the technical:

Licked off of other people's fingers;
This doesn't flow quite well, off and of sounds far too similar to be group together. I suggest you try some other words?

Secondhand sweetness,
With just a hint of oozing anger
I find this quite clever, very nicely done. The imagery there is stunning.

I find the rest quite solid, overall. Wonderful poem! Keep up the good work!

-S.s




InTheTrees says...


Thank you for your helpful critique, SubtleSanity! Ill certainly review one of your works :)



Wisteria says...


Ah, that will be most appreciated. :)




Also. Jack, why do I feel like you are responsible for spamming the site with the Bee Movie quote in the quote generator. *looks suspiciously*
— alliygator