Was it the touch of the blade,
that made me think there was a little shade?
Maybe distracted me from the real world
while I did nothing but hurl.
Or maybe it was the way I laughed,
as I filled the bath
to drown my sorrows.
But what was it really?
Something that killed me nearly.
I didn't know what to do,
because I thought it was helping me too,
and now all I have to ask,
is who?
Who is the one who made me feel
like I was lost until I could not be healed,
and once they were revealed
made me unseal.
All of my memories,
lost in the remedies
of all the messed up mysteries.
And I'm left with the question
that should answer everything,
and end my depression.
I'm left to go the other direction
all by myself,
without any protection
from the real world.
Instead of waiting for someone to come to my aid,
I put down the blade,
and stepped out of the shade.
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137,724 Literary Works • 672,065 Reviews
Hey there! Alex here representing the Majestic icicles!
As dementer said I found your writing pattern to be intriguing. I found this particular topic begged for rhyming and you gave it that. I also agree with that some rhymes felt a bit awakward, one for example was:
But most of it fit perfectly!
I really enjoyed the ending. It really ties up the poem into a well thought out conclusion! I like how it shows this person sorting out their depression theirselves instead of, as they said, "waiting for someone to come to my aid".
One thing that you could improve is that maybe it could be put into stanzas to define the rhyming pattern more and sort it out. However use my advice as you will meaning not at all if you want! This is your work so feel free to not follow this review!
Overall, very powerful poem!
Hey Shine!
You were hoping to get reviews on this again, so here I am.
You have a really interesting rhyme scheme in this. At some points, it feels like you’ve just found words that rhyme and had little thought on how to fill the gaps or filled them carelessly, but there are some bits that sound so cool. Occasionally there is a performance poetry feeling there, as well.
The way you start and end the poem with the same rhymes felt a little stuffy to me - I wasn’t a big fan of that. Sometimes when you start and end with the same words, the effect is nice and ties the poem together, but for some reason I didn’t feel that here. Perhaps you can think of something along the same lines, but not quite the same.
For especially the beginning of the poem, I would suggest trying to make the lines a bit more even to avoid the effect of “unfinishedness” or “carelessness” that I mentioned earlier. A little tweaking would make it sound much more put together.
Hopefully this little bit helps!
Demeter x
There you go again, using emotion to paint imagery and coloring it with your words! The one thing I feel the need to critique is your use of punctuation. Some of the lines are questions, and require question marks. Also, there are loads of unnecessary commas that make the poem seem choppy. You don't have to use a comma at the end of every line.
It might help if you write your poetry out on paper first without line breaks, like when you write a story. Proofread it first to make sure you punctuated everything properly, then read it out loud and decide where you want to put the line breaks. Microsoft Office will automatically correct any misuse or lack of punctuation and errors in grammar. Then, after you type it up, proofread again and edit as needed.
Hope that helps, and keep up the great work!
I'm not going to nitpick at your work at all because I'm new at writing myself .
At the end of your poem i then understood what you where saying
"And I'm left with the question,
that should answer everything,
and end my depression.
I'm left to go the other direction
all by myself,
without any protection,
from the real world.
Instead of waiting for someone to come to my aid,
I put down the blade,
and stepped out of the shade."
I would just like to say i understand what you where saying as I read this poem felt something I feel all the time and when I feel this i remember what is not was and I think and hope that it can only get better and that is all you can do.
Hey there!
Since you're leading into the same sentence, I recommend you remove the comma so there's no need for the reader to take a pause when reading this.
My biggest nitpick was probably the rhyme scheme. At certain points, I feel like you forced them out, like you forced the two words to flex and flow until they complimented each other and rhymed. You don't need to worry about that; if you'd like, you can just do a free verse poem. Rhythm isn't a necessity when it comes to poems.
However, imagery is, and in my opinion, I think you did a good job with that. You also used some cute metaphors that made the poem all the better.
I'm not a poet, so I'm sorry if I can't give great feedback. But from what I read, you have a nice flow going. It's a bit choppy from some rhymes that are forced, but for the most part, it's smooth and easy to follow. I really enjoyed it, especially the ending! Nice work. ^^
-Iggy
Thank you!