A/N: I posted this work was written a LONG time ago. I have written much better works since then, which your time would be better spent on. Please don't review this work- I appreciate you wanting to help out but I have moved onto better things! But I'm leaving this work up because I don't want the reviews to die with it. -Holysocks Sept. 2016
“No, I don't want to come. Thanks though.” I say into the phone and slump down in my chair.
Swimming. Really? Like I'd ever want to go swimming again. I suppose it's not my friends fault, they don't get it, is all. They only want to have a little fun. I guess I'm blessed to have friends who include me.
Maybe I should have told them...
You see, twelve years ago, my parents decided to let my little sister Brenda, and I, go to summer camp... After much pleading, that is. She was eight, and I was ten... We were, ecstatic.
On our ninth day there, I tried to convince Brenda to come for a swim. But she was adamant. She said that she just didn't like walking on the slimy rocks. This was true, it's not like she was afraid of water, she loved water.
“We're going to have fun...” I hummed, “Without you...”
She had stopped playing with the dust on the door step, and looked up at me. “Ya, I hope you have the time of your life.”
So I collected a couple friends, and we did, for hours it seemed, we swam like fish... Until someone informed us that my sister had been bitten by a Rattle Snake.
I remember feeling numb, and wondering if that's how Brenda felt. I hoped so, better numbness then pain... Right?
The Paramedics didn't let me ride with her, in the Ambulance. I still sort of blame them for my never seeing her alive again. But really, I was only ten.
“Taylor?” I hear, coming from the phone. “Are you still there?... Taylor?”
“Ya, sorry, I'm here.” I say.
“...Are you sure you don't want to come?”
“Positive.”
“It's going to be fun...” He says.
“Ya, right,” I hum into the speaker, “I hope you have the time of your lives.”
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139,292 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Hey, socks...this is the second writing of your that I am reading and reviewing...unlike in the poem, seems to be I am going to be a bit of a "critique" here...
I am sure that you are a much better writer than me...but still I am gonna criticize..I also don't know what others have written..just gonna be me and honest...
Alright, the name of the story is great but the story didn't seem to really go along with it... I mean, yeah, of course, for Taylor it was a "time of her life" ...but when I read the story, I just felt like, I wanted moore..
It is not clear here what actually happened to the little sister..i mean, did she survive or die?? Again, how the snake bit her is not mentioned either...
It's alright , if you don't wanna give all these details....but, since Taylor is remembering an unforgettable moment of her life, a moment which still haunts and this is why she says no to her friends....her feelings should have been reflected more...I don't really get much of her feelings..
When I read a story, it has to have "deep" lines and "deep" meaning hidden in them ...I sought the same thing here...I didn't find it , but this didn't disappoint me...you are the writer and you can write anyway you want...it doesn't matter , the choice of the reader...just letting you know about a bit of my taste, that's all....
But the theme is not bad...I liked it...
"socking"phobia is not leaving me....swimsocks...
Hey! This was a really good story! I know you wrote it for Sushi's contest, so best of luck to you...I'm starting to feel like mine was a bit long.....Oh well. This was amazing! You have talent, and I hope to read more from you in the future!
-FCS
Wow, thanks!
Hi!
I liked this story! I think perhaps it could be longer, though. Just a thought, because I'm one who likes to cut things short from time to time, so I understand completely if you don't want to.
I also really liked the repetition at the end, as did all the reviewers before me. XD
The only thing that really bothered me a bit was your usage of "ya" as an informal "yes". I think "yeah" or "yea" would have been a better choice, but in all honesty it really doesn't make much of a difference since it's such an insignificant thing. It doesn't distract from the story much.
I'd give it a 7 or 8. Have fun and keep writing!
-littlesighs
Thanks!
Hello Holysocks! Cheetah here to review your story.
This was good! It was simple and enjoyable to read. I especially liked the part at the end where everything repeated. Whenever something like that happens in a story, I sort of sit back and think. You made me do just that, which means you really put meaning into it. Well done!
The one thing I saw was this:
In real time, 'Ya' technically isn't a word. But it's pretty small, so it could still be included.
You did good on this! Keep writing!
Thanks Cheetah!
Its very short...if I were you I'd make it longer. I wouldn't exactly add more to the story, the events that occur are in a decent order and the end and beginning tie together so well that the only thing you really could add would be detail.
With the story of the little girl, I think you did a great job with establishing the mood, but you should include a bit on the setting. If this was the last time the main character saw her little sister there should be many little details that should be brought to her remembrance. For example, maybe Brenda was wearing a yellow polka dot bathing suit, or maybe she had a silky green ribbon in her hair, or maybe she had just lost a tooth the week before... see what I'm saying?
Once your done describing the little girl, describe the water: were the waving furiously crashing against the shore in an ominous gesture? or was it calm...too calm?
Now what of the weather? Was it a beautiful sunny day? Had it rained that morning? Was there a storm brewing in the distance?
Now with the flashback, you've shown the audience why the character doesn't want to go swimming, but you could (and this is just a suggestion, because the ending to your story is already pretty good) also tell the audience what the character feels. Now, the general rule is to show, not tell, but I feel like I hardly know anything about the character expect that she's still grieving about her sisters death.
Other than that, great job! Keep up the good work!
Thanks for reviewing my story!
Hey. Wow I love the foreboding note you leave this piece on by repeating the dialogue that originally had been associated with the narrators death. Dialogue that should seem perfectly innocent but which you've made seem sinister.
I enjoy the way your beginning seems innocent and not at all dark. However, it was unusual how you maintained that tone throughout your narration as if you were describing some childhood holiday rather than the narrators sisters tragic death. I'm not saying its bad just unusual.
Your grammar and spelling etc. is flawless and I have nothing to be critical of.
Thank you very much for writing a piece which made me pause for a moment and wonder how much of our friends lives do we take for granted
Thank You!
Hey! You got a silver medal! Yay! So you can choose between 2 choice reviews or points. Here's the review for your piece.
I really loved the way you incorporated your song into your writing! You took the song lyrics very literally and managed to still give it a bit of a deeper meaning. I could actually hear the song when I read this. You managed to capture the mood which was great!
I didn't really see any grammar flaws, but I'm not going to go through the entire thing with a magnifying glass. There were some fragments but I feel that falls more under flow.
Your flow needs a bit of work. I feel that you tried to do this stylistically which was great! I just feel that you chopped up your sentences a little too much. This is just my personal opinion of course, the periods just felt awkward.
Now as for your character. You put a lot of meaning into this plot, but the character. I felt that they could have used a little more voice. They were there, but they didn't really have much presence. In a piece like this you need to bring out the emotion using the main character. I didn't really get a feel for her.
Overall really great job! PM me whether you would like the points or the reviews and I'll get you your 50 points right away.
Sushi
Haha, OK!
Hey! This is a great bit of writing. I myself don't write realistic genre stories, because that isn't my thing, but this is great. I don't find it nessecary to put the coma in the line "we were, esctatic." And it would have been awesome if you went into more detail of her flashback, because it all seems to happen so fast. It is a smooth read though. I love how you use the key line "I hope you have the time of your lives."
Thanks for the review!
Hello
I enjoyed reading your piece. It was short, simple, and quite realistic.
This is a fairly dark piece without being too dark. I like how you focused more on the character's feelings and not the descriptions, as I think the feelings were more important in this particular piece.
Just a couple of quick fixes were all I found. You overused commas a little bit. For example, you can delete the comma in the line, "We were, ecstatic." Also, if you move the second comma in "...my little sister Brenda, and I," to before Brenda, ("...my little sister, Brenda, and I...") it will flow better.
Overall, nice job. You used a good hook and captured the reader early on in the story. Happy writing
Thanks!