Revolution

Today is the day when

Rules will be broken;

A fire stoken;

The system provoken.

Tonight is the night when

Few will be chosen;

All Hell is frozen;

A new era awoken.

This time is the time when

Eyes will be opened;

The truth outspoken;

The wheels in motion.

The elephant that follows will

Become our main focus;

Our actions potent;

A can of worms reopened.

For the future is but an ocean

With only wealthy on boats and

All hope is lost when

The greedy have won

And the forests are gone.

Comments

Points: 7583
Reviews: 61

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Sun Nov 24, 2013 8:33 pm

FireFox wrote a review...

Hey, there, therealme! FireFox here to review your poem on behalf of the Apple Dumpling Gang! (Yes, that is our real name.)

Okay, to tell you the truth, I typically don't review, read, or write poetry, but I took a leap of faith the review day and chose a few poems to review, yours included, so forgive me if I make some comments and show my stupidity in regard to not exactly knowing the rules of poetry...

I absolutely adore the uniformity of your stanzas. It drives me nuts (most likely due to my OCD) when poems have mix-matching stanzas with different numbers of lines in each stanzas, things that don't rhyme or sound forced. All of this flowed very well and I enjoyed the truthfulness of the piece. It is most definitely a reality in this chaotic world. I think that if you elaborated and lengthened this poem even more, your readers could relate even more to your piece. Give real life examples and continue providing imagery within each stanza to emphasize your point. Though this is a short poem, the imagery is unbelievable. You flowed these lines and stanzas surprisingly well and with ease, it seems. Very well done! I am impressed.

-FireFox

Points: 19207
Reviews: 192

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Wed Oct 30, 2013 2:49 am

EloquentDragon wrote a review...

ED here to review.

This is "nice," yes, but is altogether too rough. The rhyme, while interesting, is often "forced/contrived" and grammatically awkward. And you slip out of pattern in the last two stanzas.

Today is the day when
Rules will be broken;
A fire stoken;

I actually had to check this one. Yes, "stoken" is a word, but it's an archaic word, and isn't used anymore. I can't help but feel that you're sacrificing the vitality of this poem by using this. Same goes for "provoken."

Why not just "rules will be broke, a fire will be stoked." Doesn't match exactly, but its a lot easier for people to wrap their brains around. Not to mention you're writing a social commentary piece here, it might help to be socially relevant. (Although you could have been going for an archaic flair, in which case, as I said earlier, it feels contrived.)

A new era awoken.

I felt that stanza was going well until here.

A can of worms reopened.

Beware of using clichés in this piece, since I think your intentions would be stronger without them. Also, "eyes opened" and a can of worms "reopened" is repetitive. And why is this said can of worms being opened twice to begin with?

For the future is but an ocean
With only wealthy on boats and
All hope is lost when
The greedy have won

And the forests are gone.

That last line should actually be a part of the preceding stanza. This here, is my favorite section. It is the section that shows the most creativity, personality, and life. I think you've lost that in the subscription of the verse to limericks, but I realize that you intended it to be that way. Just try and structure the rhymes to sound more natural.

Hope I could help.
~ED

Points: 962
Reviews: 5

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Wed Oct 30, 2013 2:07 am

Raquelle wrote a review...

Hi there, so I noticed you tried to make a few rhythm in your poem. Its sound so nice and indeed interesting.

Today is the day when
Rules will be broken;
A fire stoken;
The system provoken.

*en, nice start.
I like the poem that convey a good messages, so you have to do it in the poem by showing some of the issues that often hit us.
Overall, I really like the poem. Keep the good things up!
~raq

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Revolution

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