Hi - this is one of my essays for Emerson College. By writing this essay I have a chance at a half-tution scholarship.
The prompt is this: describe an encounter with someone or something different—an “other” which revealed to you your sense of self and your relationship to humanity. This encounter may involve a person, place, culture, or text
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Pompeii, Italy. There, Mount Vesuvius erupted, killing many innocent people and destroying their civilization. This was the extent of what I knew before I came to my local museum's exhibition on the ancient city. I was around ten years old, and history, especially ancient history, was still somewhat of an abstract concept for me. While I understood that the world didn't spring into existence with my birth, I had a hard time understanding how humanity might have gone about before modern technologies came into being. I did not have any strong feelings for or against attending the exhibit; all I knew that it was what my parents had chosen to do that afternoon.
We arrived, picked up our tickets, and entered the exhibit. Before the volcano erupted, we had to be introduced to the city and its history. Trailing close behind my parents, we viewed the artifacts, read the signs. The exhibit engaged me as much as it could a ten year old, and I began to imagine myself as a citizen of Pompeii. Everything in their society seemed peaceful, happy, and orderly. We learned about their houses, their resources, and their way of life. Slowly, the tone of the exhibit began to change. About two-thirds of the way exhibit, I saw a sign that I still remembered vividly. It painted a picture-perfect, average day in Pompeii. “There was no way anyone could be aware of the destruction that would await them later that night,” it said. That was when I really began to make the connection that these were people just like me, and that they experienced the same emotions that I did. I feared for these people.
As we continued, I searched desperately in my mind for a way to save them, tell them to leave so that they would be all right. We neared the end, and I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness that so many innocent people had died and there was nothing that I could do. However, the climax came during one of the last images of the exhibit; the recreation of a finding from one of the excavations; a woman’s skeleton embedded in rock. Despite being dead for thousands of years, the fear in her body was still evident. She was crouched in a ball under her staircase, her dog beside her. I regarded this scene, dumbfounded, and realized that this woman was only one of many to experience the same despair. As we left, my parents asked me what I thought of the exhibit. I said that it was sad so many people had died, and we carried on with the rest of our day. Although I did not know it at the time, it was my first step toward the realization there are certain human truths that have been constant.
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Hey El!
This just might be me and my ESL-ness, but the use of "we" in the second half of the sentence kind of makes me think that you and some others were following your parents, like a sibling. And it kind of confuses me over there.First off - Good luck!
Now, onto some comments:
It would add a sense of accuracy and detail if you included the circa year in your first sentence. just to make it sound a little more professional and solid.
If you have a word limit, this line "We arrived, picked up our tickets, and entered the exhibit. " could be scrapped and you can work on editing the essay. I say this only because I think this doesn't add much to the context. You can start off with a nicer sentence, or like at the exhibit or something. I'm not kinda particularly fond of this sentence.
I think it should be "remember vividly"?
I'm not sure how creative you want to be in this essay, but you could do the whole show vs. tell thing here.
So the last bit. I really love that! It's a great way of putting things into perspective. It's really good.
On the whole, I think this is a great essay. I like how you focused on something different, which would seem commonplace but also has the potential to make people "see"/realize. Good work. Keep up your awesomosity!
Cheers,
Lava
The Knight Messenger here to review for KotGR.
OK, huge font but probably just an error so I won't spend a bunch of time on it.
Now, (Onyx pointed out most of the stuff but here is one she didn't.) the only line that I thought was misplaced was this one:
That line makes it sound as if the volcano hasn't erupted yet, and that the family has to be introduced to the city before it can. I understand what you meant to say, but that doesn't work.
Besides that I thought it was a really good essay, with good description, and a very nice ending line.
Keep it up!
Hey there! I'm Onyx and I will be reviewing your article today!
Comments
Alright, why are the fonts so different? :O That might be a technical error but it would need to be fixed if you are going to submit it. Also if you have a thesis and an conclusion paragraph, why do you only have one body paragraph? I would add another one just to make it longer, this is only my opinion. Just a few things I noticed as I looked over. So here are a few things I would like to point out.
I like the two opening sentences! They bring me in to the article even more!
As I read this, I would take the "a" and change it to "any" only because that reads better to me. If you read it out loud, you might see what I mean. It still reads grammatically correct, just to me it sounds a little weird. Just something to look at.
I like this a lot, it gives me a sense of danger. Great job here!
Great ending sentence! It bring it to a close in a uniform way.
Over all
Great job over all, I would find something to change the fonts. It is being weird, unless it is just my computer. I hope this will help you get the scholarship in the college! If you have any questions why I changed something, feel free to send me a private message. If you need me to review something else, feel free to send me a message on my profile. Thank you very much for your time and keep on writing!
~Knight Onyx