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by Elinor


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344 Reviews

Points: 19145
Reviews: 344

Sun Mar 31, 2013 3:00 pm
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Omni wrote a review...

Here to review!

My name is Quest, and I will be reviewing this short work for you today, both to get it out of the Green Room and just in time for Review Day! So let's get onto the review portion of this review! I'm afraid this review will not be as long as some of my others, since the piece I am reviewing is so short, but here we go anyway, right? Right!


So, first off, this matches the title of this piece. I don't know if that was coincidental, or if you just wanted to do that. If you wanted to do that, then you did a very good job at making them the same. It is hard to do that, especially in short pieces like this, yet you did it realistically, without losing that deep meanin that you have in it.


So, onto the actual structure of the piece. I think you should have put a period at the end and capitalized it at the beginning, just to make it look more professional, although that's nitpicky stuff, and it's just my opinion. You can truly just keep it like that, and it would be fine. Either way, it's your choice.

I have to say, this is a great and very high quality piece, from the very beginning to the very, reluctant end. I do hope you write more like this! It is extremely well written, well paced, and the theme is great, with nothing straying from it.

I hope this helps you, even if a little,

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662 Reviews

Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

Wed Mar 06, 2013 2:19 am
dogs wrote a review...

Hello there Elinor! Dogs here with your review. Ok, two quick comments: firstly, the entire description should be in italics. Secondly there should be a comm after "seat" in this line. Also, maybe trying not to use "seat" twice in the same sentence. Perhaps say something like: "and takes a seat, two chairs down..." I also play the Harp and I'm excited to see where you'll take this piece :).

It's rather important that you put this line into italics because other wise it can easily be confused with the Harpists' dialogue.

Nice change in emotion here, although I would think that the bartender is a more statement and strong willed person. Make this more of a statement that she doesn't trust a babysitter. Say: "And I really don't trust a baby sitter..." or something along those lines.

Well there is a small typo and a missing word somewhere in here. I think you meant to say something like: "he had a lot of friends." If so, I would suggest you edit it to: "He had lots of friends."

I'm not sure whats the rule for scripts, but you should write this out as "nine."

Ok, I'd say your writing for the nine yearold boy is a little too advanced. Bring it down a little bit, sometimes you go on a few wordy sentences. Try saying: "I love the music she makes. It always sounds really pretty. Since two years ago I asked mom to sign me up for piano lessons..." Also, I think you can make the last line even sadder. Maybe try something like: "She said I could when I was ten... If I make it there." Or something along those lines.

Because there isn't one bartender I'm sure that will work at that store, unless she works their 24/7 "unlikely" say "that bartender" instead.

Interesting ending, although the biggest thing I would suggest is to either cut out the entire bit about Emmie seeing the couple and tearing up about it. Or incorporate it into your piece. Otherwise it's too much of a random event that remains un- answered. We don't know if it was tears of joy for their cutness, or tears of sadness from past remorse. That was never made clear, so either clarify that and incorporate that topic later in your piece, or just cut it out. All and all lovely writing, I enjoyed reading this piece. I hope my comments were helpful and let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

“Christmas won’t be Christmas without any presents!”
— Little Women