Young Writers Society

Thanks for sharing this interesting chapter about a girl who awakens in a park and can’rt remember what happened at a party. I like the way that drama is increased gradually via the presentation of events that all seem baffling to the young lady. I also like the way that the story leaves me wondering what will happen next. That is very essential in getting the reader to continue on to the next chapter. Also, the girl‘s personality gradually comes through in the monologue, she doesn’t like to be hemmed in by her mother’s rules. She is a sociable person who likes to be at parties.

The beginning of the story is also interesting. What is a young lady doing on a park bench alone asleep. Why doesn’t she remember what happened at te party. was she drugged, raped and deposited on that bench? So drama is immediately established via conflict and that is good in keeping the reader’s interest riveted on the story. So overall I found this an interesting read.

Suggestions

If a tickling sensation is mentioned then it’s source should be explained. I kept waiting but it was never mentioned again. If indeed it has no significance then it only serves to distract.

The writing of God as “god” distracted me. Why would the authore write it that way? Does it indicate atheism? Agnosticism? Devil worship? A contwempt for religion?

I opened my eyes, jarred. [This doesn’t convey anything. What is it that jarred?]

. . . . but no one that was staring at least.
[ . . . . but at least no one that was staring.]


The white leggings and purple dress; what I’d worn.
[White leggings and a purple dress is what I had worn. ]

I looked forward to crawling back into changing into my fuzzy PJs . . . .
[I looked forward to crawling back into my fuzzy PJs . . . .]


. . . . approach the Starbucks and a tinge of relief . . . .]
[. . . . approach the Starbucks and felt a tinge of relief . . . .]

Criss Jenson, Ellissa, Carly Moss?

Too many characters mentioned without proper introduction. As a reader I could not visualize any of them nor cared to. If a character is going to be introduced, then it is recommended that we take your time to describe them physically and provide some background. Otherwise leaving them for later is best.

I saw someone sitting at one of the tables playing on their phone. I approached them.
[I saw a group of men sitting at one of the tables playing on their phones. I approached them.]

Someone = singular
Them = plural

"They looked up at me, and I could tell they were judging me.”

Describe what was it about the way they looked at you that led you to that conclusion. Don’t leave it up to the reader’s imagination. The reader might not have the memory-experience to fill in those gaps.

Fuck.
[Fuck!]

Before I could go any further, I felt a rough hand cover my mouth and something hitting my head.

[Before I could go any farther, I felt a calloused hand cover my mouth and something heavy hitting the back of my head.]

http://www.differencebetween.net/langua ... d-farther/

The more specific the better.
-------------------------------

Looking forward to reading more of your work.

Hey Eli,

It's nice to see you working on a novel rather than a script, it's always cool to branch out a little bit and see what's going on in other genres and text types. You've been writing for some time and I feel like you can take some tough love, which is what I'm going to dish out to you (oh no!).

This isn't, at the moment, terribly good. Your introduction to the character and their situation is incredibly stilted, and the entire piece lacks a sense of natural flow. This might be because your brain is still working in scriptwriting terms. You describe everything as a statement, and it very quickly feels like "This happened and then this happened" which really means you've fallen into that awful trap of telling over showing. As that's normal for a script it's not surprising that your brain might not have reoriented to what a novel needs, which is a bit more depth in the writing as a whole. Scripts rely on quality plots and quality dialogue, but the backbone of the novel is paragraphs of explanation and plot.

"I stood up. It was sunny. I came here before. Nothing has changed. Generic park things." that's the kind of thing I'm reading at the moment and it doesn't feel real. What does this girl actually feel, does she just stand up with no trouble, does she dust off her skirt, does she squint in the sun, does she feel the sharp grass blades, has it been a dry summer etc. I want to know things that no one cares about but that make it actually real. Right now it isn't real.

I think you need to seriously edit this. In each paragraph think about what someone would actually be doing, how their thoughts actually work. I don't know if you've ever been drunk, or on heavy medication or something and then woken up afterward confused and blah, but this isn't what it looks or sounds like. When I was about 16 I was in the hospital because I fell down the stairs and they gave me morphine - at this point we realised I was allergic to morphine - but anyway, when I woke up I remembered talking to my brother, who hadn't visited me. I remembered lights and sounds and vagueness and it was a bit blurry and grey at the edges and I couldn't work out what was real and what wasn't and why I felt so bloody awful (I threw up a lot). Waking up with a hangover is different but similar, sometimes memories take a while to come back, your head hurts, your mouth is dry and when you swallow it tastes like you've not brushed your teeth in eighteen days. That's what I'm missing here. I know she's dead or damaged or something else supernatural but she'd still have the typical symptoms of a hard night out. She doesn't feel like a real person because you're not showing us, you're just telling us.

Also, she stands up at the end of paragraph one and then at the start of paragraph three and I can see how it might be "while I was doing that earlier action" but it doesn't work because it's too close and how does she notice her leggings as she's blinded by the sun?

The premise of this is fine and your main character is probably fine (I can't at the moment because she hasn't much personality, which it often the case with first chapters). You're letting yourself down with description. Add to this, give me those small pointless details and maybe try reading this out loud. It's not a script, and I know you're aware of that, but it's reading like you're not.

This is a pretty blunt review on my part and I've not gone line to line or anything because your problems are all encompassing in terms of description + flow. If you have any questions or you want me to go line by line with suggestions of how to add flow and description without changing the essence of your story, hit me up.

- Pen.

Hey! I'm here for a quick review (since I'm using my phone >.>)!

It must have still been early, because I looked around, and thank god, no one noticed me.

I stood up, noticing that I was wearing white leggings and a purple dress.

Light blue eyes that belonged to the face of someone that wasn’t that much older than me.

After all, it was finally summer, I was graduated and I had the whole summer to do what I wanted without having to worry about anything else.

I froze when I noticed Stephanie Whitman come out of the Starbucks, iced coffee in hand.

But she walked right by me. Didn’t even notice me.

As I got a block or so away from my house, I saw that a bunch of police cars parked in front of it.

A clever write up. Your a talent for descriptions is conspicuous, and I love how the chapter ends with such suspense. Can't wait to read the next chapter!

Remind me too... read this.

Ooh. Drama. I think I'll follow this.

Okay first before getting into other things, I want to get out of the way some of the more technical stuff I noticed about your piece. So lets get started ^^

My shoes had somehow gone missing though. Elissa wanted to leave. I didn’t. Nothing after that. Absolutely nothing. Well, no.

looked forward to crawling back into [?] changing into my fuzzy PJs

Impulsively#00BF00 ">, I went inside the Starbucks.

Elinor! I saw this pop up on the homepage and I've got so much revision to do that exam failure is inevitable, so naturally I figured I'd come and take a look at this.

Before I could go any further, I felt a rough hand cover my mouth and something hitting my head.