Young Writers Society

Hey! Cello here for a review!

This was a cute story and you did a great job with the script set up. I could just imagine this as a short film in some sort of 'dialogue free' film festival. Not sure if you have the time or resources but I would encourage you to make this into an actual film.

One part felt a bit uncomfortable though.

She looks

She looks her lying could be.

up at the sky, and smiles widely.

back down, noticing a GIRL a few feet in front of on a towel, reading a book. It’s not Sara, but it

It's just kind of... awkward. Maybe try 'Mary looks at the sky and smiles. He gaze shifts to a girl on a towel a few feel in front of her, reading a book. It's not Sara, but Mary wishes it was.' (Of course, add the needed capitalization) It's a lot clearer and makes things easier on the reader.

Mary sits at a booth with a COFFEE CUP. She breathes heavily. Checks her watch several times.

For a moment, time to seems to freeze. Tears begin to form in her eyes.

Mary looks up, noticing a figure emerging. It’s Sara. She smiles tightly. Mary rises from her chair.

They share a cautious glance before embracing.

Completely random thing, but I keep imagining a little bell that hangs over a door ringing as Sara enters. Just a suggestion- I thought it might be cute

Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello

Not a hundred percent sure, but I feel like this bit is maybe some screwed up formatting?

She looks

She looks her lying could be.

up at the sky, and smiles widely.

back down, noticing a GIRL a few feet in front of on a towel, reading a book. It’s not Sara, but it

It seems more like it's meant to read:

She looks up at the sky. She looks back down and smiles, noticing a girl lying a few feet away in front of a towel, reading a book. It's not Sara, but it could be.

Or something like that.

In other news, I know the assignment was "no dialogue," but MAN I am intrigued now. Not least by the "YELLING in her head," as I'm curious to know what she's hearing, exactly. (Does that count as dialogue? Alas, probably, if you actually wrote out what words she heard. Oh, well.)

Messed up formatting and unquenched curiosity aside, I enjoyed this. It was simple and I have a few different ideas for what could be going on here, which is kind of nice because I can choose whichever idea I like best. That said, if you ever decide to write more of this and expand on it outside of class, let me know. Because I would definitely be interested in reading more of it.

Hello! I haven’t reviewed any scripts lately and, therefore, I might not be of much help.

You have portrayed a realistic issue and, because of its simplicity, not did I only understand it easily but I also enjoyed it. There are no dialogues and that makes it more meaningful; it’s like a silent film from the olden times. I liked it. From what I gathered because of “they share a cautious glance”, you tried to show us about Mary, a young girl who has left behind her family for Sara’s sake. At first, she’s afraid to give them a chance, perhaps, because of the society they live in. However, towards the end, it feels as if she can’t fight her feelings anymore. I might be wrong here. If so, I apologise.

I’ll point out a couple of things I found odd. Please excuse me if they should have been done like that. I’m not hugely familiar with scripts.

1. I understand their names should be capitalised, but why are words like “yelling”, “backpack”, “postcard”, “pen”, etc., capitalised?
2.

She looks
She looks her lying could be.

It’s not Sara, but it

These sentences are incomplete. The first one breaks abruptly and doesn’t make sense. Is this done on purpose, for a particular effect, or is it purely a mistake?
3.

EXT. BEACH – FLASHBACK

I felt that this flashback disrupted the natural flow. It’s a short passage and it’s quickly brushed over. That doesn’t fit in with the rest of them, where the progression is far more gradual. Perhaps, you could move it up, before she’s on a beach?

Great job!

Well done, and keep writing.