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by therealme


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1313 Reviews


Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

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Sun Mar 24, 2013 10:51 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Um. ahaha. I. I liked the reality in which this poem started. I think the image of the legs against the light is very vivid and specific and really brings it all into an intense image for me. I also love the language of the fact that it's as dark as the crack beneath your door. That's original, effective, and interesting. But! From there! It goes intro melodrama I don't want to go along with following the solidness of the reality in the opening.

I think if you're going to go the way of melodrama, you should start from the very beginning descriptions.

Now, the other thing that makes me like the first two stanzas separately from the rest is that they describe the scene. The rest of the poem devolves into "I do this. I do that." in the first person point of view. It's hard to build up tension in a first person point of view when it's obvious that the person doesn't know anything. It's hard to give the reader a hint of what might befall the character if they do something stupid when we're only getting news from inside the not-so-bright character's head, you know? So while this would kind of be scary if given reality and told from the outside, from the inside it sounds childish and too plain to build any interest.
Consider where you're coming from and what you want to accomplish and edit accordingly!
PM me if you have any questions or comments regarding my review, please.
Good luck and keep writing!




therealme says...


Thank you for your review. the story was supposed to be dark as well as humerus. I chose to use first person so that throughout the piece the reader is wondering what would happen if the character loses the spider. The reader finds out in the very comical and mostly unbelievable last line, which is so ridiculous that it seems somewhat funny. I'm glad you liked the beginning and hope i have shed some light on why i chose first person etc. many thanks xx



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Fri Mar 08, 2013 3:47 pm
NoirLumiere wrote a review...



Hey there! Noir here, and I'll be your reviewer today. Let's rock.

First up: Concept. The exaggeration of the spider is amusing. I, myself, don't suffer from arachnophobia. But it's very clear this person does, and I find that strangely amusing and enjoyable. I think you were going for a dark feel for this poem, but I found it humorous and funny. That's just the way I interpreted it, though.

Second on this list: Rhythm. The rhythm for this poem was probably supposed to be dark, but I found it funny and cheerful. The rhythm was fun and artsy, and I loved that. Your use of bolds and spacing was enjoyable as well. This was very fun to read, as I read it with the tune of "Itsy Bitsy Spider" stuck in my head.

The final attribute I'll cover: Grammar. I found no grammar mistakes, and if I missed one, I apologize for not noticing.

Overall: This poem was fun and lighthearted. At least, that's how I read it. If it was supposed to be dark, then I missed it. The concept was funny, the rhythm was fun, and the grmmar was excellent.

9/10

This has been NoirLumiere, and there's your review. Good night, and keep rocking!




therealme says...


yes it was supposed to be funny in a dark way so i'm pleased that you thought it was. It was supposed to be light and fun, but at the same time a little chilling. I do not suffer from arachnophobia but i have a friend that does and i find her reaction to spiders hilarious, so i wrote this to show how much arachnophobia people can exaggerate. Thanks for the review xx




I tell the neophyte: Write a million words–the absolute best you can write, then throw it all away and bravely turn your back on what you have written. At that point, you’re ready to begin.
— David Eddings