Snoink

Eep! You must format your story into paragraphs if you want any helpful critiques. O_o

Thanks for spotting the typo! It was right when I wrote it down on paper, but alas! It didn't transcribe. :D Yes... hehehe... too much physics. ;)

Hmmm... is this a storybook beginning?

*moved to Lyrics*

Hahaha... not gratuitous! Simply... uh... more cohesive? But don't worry. You can post that kind of stuff on YWS, so as long as it's rated, it's okay. ;)

Aw... lol. Well, seeing as I liked the second part better because of more vivid imagery and a personal touch, put that more into it? ;)

Thankus always Sammus! That one sentence is edited, thanks to you. :D And I'll keep the other stuff in mind when I tackle Unicorn Killers, all right? :D

Ahh... but Solomon is capitalized, no? ;) Hehehe... yes! Somebody got the Salome reference. Mwha.

J>> Glad you liked it! It's funny that you say it's abstract because it's based on something I actually saw. Kind of freaky, actually. O_o Rieda>> LOL! Oh no, this ...

Glad you liked it! ^_^ The girl, in my mind, is five or six years old. She may be older or younger, depending on what you perceived her to be, ...

The first stanza seems like you're just separating the sentence... not too exciting. I like the second part though. :D

OMG. THAT BOOK IS SO AWESOME. Translation? Read it. Now. :P

Wow. That's sad.I've only read six books of those. We need more poetry collections there, lol.

I think it's slightly confusing, actually. The narrator is going back and forth... one minute, she loves him, the other she's laughing at him, and... yeah. Confusing. Maybe if you ...

I chose two random names, don't worry, so I have nothing against Mitch. And that was only really because I didn't know the second person's name and... yeah. :P Kind ...