I know it needs editing, but what do you think of the main message?
It didnt take much
And now your under my skin again
All you have to do is smile
And I cringe
At the thought of what
Could have been
But will never be.
You come to me to late,
Saying its possible
I turn away,
And say
Not now, there is someone else.
The shock on your face
Nearly makes me laugh
My friends all say
I made a mistake
But I disagree
If you could not see me
Why waste my time
On a guy who chooses
Not to see the real world
He spends his time dreaming of
Something that will never be.
You send a pulse threw my veins
You take my breath away
I try not to show it but
Every time I see you i melt inside
I cant do anything about it.
No matter how hard I try
I fight it but truly,
You control my heart.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Thanks, I will try to edit it soon.. gotta find the time!
Lucky, that was what I was trying to get across.. It was supposed to show a girl who was confused, she knew she liked him but it seemed so wrong, he didnt seem like the right guy so she tried to forget him. Then, she fuond that he had complete control over her.... lol.. thanks for posting.
I like that the whole time in the poem you are pretty much blaming him and saying that he hasn't been that great, but then at the end, by allowing him to have control of your heart, it seems like in the end you dont think hes so terrible. I might have the wrong idea and I'm sorry if i do, but thats what i got from your poem. There is some editing needed, but you said you already know that.
I think the final stanza is what really throws the message that you had been creating because there is no foundation for the sudden change in emotion from cringing at him to loving him.
Besides that I think that the message is fairly clear, the poem doesnt really flow all that well though.
I did like that first stanza though, I think it worked very well - especially the last two lines.
I think it's slightly confusing, actually. The narrator is going back and forth... one minute, she loves him, the other she's laughing at him, and... yeah. Confusing.
Maybe if you made the story richer and detailed the motives of the narrator?