Leja

so, so morbid...yet despite that, rather good. Personally, I'd get rid of "these" in the very last line; I think it's unnecessary, but that's just me. These lines seem... weird, ...

I really, really want to make an intelligent comment here, but I have little idea as to what to say (no, please do not put me in one of Ofour's ...

"I mean right now; This day, this minute, this second. I mean forever and always" This seems like a contradiction. Do you mean that you love said soul mate just ...

It does seem, as you said, something you wrote just to get it off your chest. But despite that, there were nice images and I liked it. No, by the ...

I thought this had a pleasent rhythem to it. Cute and lilting, just like the rest of the poem. A few places where I thought it was off, however: "You ...

First off, try posting a little more, especially for a whole chapter. Otherwise, it is rather difficult to critique. I believe I read somewhere that around 1000 words seemed standard ...

The first thing that caught my attention was that so many sentences begin with "She [insert verb here]", which can get a little tired after a while, especially in something ...

You know, I got halfway through the first stanza before I said to myself "Woah, wait a minute, what did that first line say?!" I felt like the rhyming was ...

In this stanza: More surprised that it was I who took one yardstick-flurry from my mother... it was a little confusing because it seems like something should come before, as ...

My initial reaction was that halfway through the first stanza, I couldn't remember what the subject was. Is there any way you can break this up into a few more ...

Parts of this seem very... random. Like when the mother isn't home and the child bursts into tears. It is the backstory, in addition to the current events, that adds ...

the part with "to love to make" in the third line just kind of hangs there, unresolved. Is there more that should come after it? I like the "truth" at ...

The first bit had a pleasent rhythem going, then it got a little lost when you got to orange. Although "fire" has only two syllabals, it seems to take a ...

Take care with punctuation; you do not need a period after every line. Punctuation si most useful for clarity and emphasis, and putting in punctuation just for the sake of ...

I really wanted to press the "enter" key in the middle of the first stanza.... I like the idea of a change in thought being related to a change in ...