Published June 2, 2007
I couldn't sleep again last night,
And so I drew the curtains back.
You know what I saw in the sky,
In front of that abyss of black?
I blinked a couple times in shock,
Then quietly I sat.
Your name was in the stars last night,
Can you imagine that?
It glittered and it sparkled,
It shown so very bright.
Your name was in the stars last night,
A sign that we were right.
I couldn't sleep again last night,
I was thinking thoughts of you.
I yawned and rolled over wondering,
Were you thinking of me too?
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I liked it, but sometimes the rhyming felt off, I think because the rhyming is force/strict and then the rhythm sometimes changes and it just kills the poem.
I can't really think of anything else to say, though.
this was very good. as said before you did use "last night" alot.
Hey, I liked your poem very much.
It was very well written and flowed nicely.
I enjoyed reading it.
Very Good!
I thought this had a pleasent rhythem to it. Cute and lilting, just like the rest of the poem. A few places where I thought it was off, however:
"You know what I saw in the sky,
In front of that abyss of black?"
Maybe something like "Before and abyss of black" in the last line to cut out a few words and let it breathe.
"I was thinking thoughts of you.
I yawned and rolled over wondering"
The second line had too much going on, and broke rhythem, I thought. Mostly in the "rolled over wondering", though, I don't have any suggestions.
Careful on spelling; shown -> shone
I like it. It doesn't seem to mean more than it appears to, but I, personally, like it that way.
before I start let me just say Im the worst poetry critter that ever roamed this earth.
This was cute.
There, my crit. LOL
Aww, that's cool.
Nice use of words in a creative and thougtful way.
Last night was repetitive. But i loved it even more. good luck and great thinking.
Amen to what Fand said plus my own little peace:
Shouldn't 'shown' be shone?
You're last stanza seemed a little out of rhythm, but I think that was good because it added a little querkiness to the poem. The change of rhythm between the first and second stanza I also liked as it adds variety.
It was good poem- I like the idea behind it.
I don't usually like rhyming poem; they often come across as very flat. Yours had much more shape than most. Also, Kitty keeps stealing my comments before I can even think of them--try variations on some of the language you repeated too often, like "last night." Also, try to make things less concrete and obvious, and more poetic, if that makes sense: don't just use the denoted word, pay attention to connotations and double meanings and symbolism. Happy writing.
I liked this poem but I think you repeated 'last night' too often and a little more imagery would be nice. Also, your language is really simple. Try and expand your vocabulary and you'll find that the rhymes become a lot smoother because there are so many different words you can use.
Other than that, this was a lovely poem and it has an awful lot of potential so keep writing!
I can so totally relate. (That's a good thing).
I like the rhyming and the beat it has all the way through. The poem was simple but affective. (in a way.) I really liked the first and second stanzas. I think you could change a few words in the third stanza to make the beat more...better. But overall good.
Keep writing,
*Foreseer*