Published June 6, 2007
My ears will pop
With change in height
And a change in thought
Will have things popping
Too. It is strange and
Not, with such an
Ordered confusion,
A gist without purpose.
I am angry
I do not want to do,
I want to be and
Become the untamed animal
Within, no human
Pressure. To scream would
Free and release will
Bring fresh breathing
Amongst this forest of
Smoke and dust.
Enough, there will be
No more shrinking box
Of life and I will,
At last, say
Ah!
But it is such that
Ears that have not
Popped cannot hear
Screams and cries. My
Revelation will fall,
Strong
But silent to all.
There will be no end.
*******
Another attempt at something completely new. Enjoy.
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Once again, your habit of capitalizing the first letter of every line detracts from this piece. You really need to break out of that persistence, amico.
This one's gonna be difficult to dissect, due to the lengthy stanzas, but I'll try my best. You open with an interesting idea, and that's good; it grabs the reader's attention and makes them curious. And there's nothing better than a reader who is actually personally interested in a poem, and curiosity is akin to that.
Your punctuation is ill-used here. Either that or it needs rewording (most likely, it's both). The previous 'It is strange' line now seems unnecessary, so cut the fat.
Overly simplistic statements like 'I am angry' don't typically add to poetry, and that's the case here, too. Try to find some more verbose way of saying it, and use that to provide more details. What type of anger? Is it an Ender Wiggin-esque cold hatred, or the fiery fury so attributed to Latin blood? In addition, the untamed animal bit seems to be but a needless distraction.
Reword that first line for sure. And 'forest of smoke and dust' is an interesting idea that could be nicely expanded upon.
Have some representation of potential speech attached with that 'Ah!'. Quotations, and italicization, or what-have-you. Beyond that, life as a shrinking box is another intriguing idea, and again, you could flesh it out beneficially.
There will be no end.
The opening of this stanza is a nice, unassumingly profound statement, that fills the role of alluding to the beginning and tying together the piece. However, the last few lines seem dragged out and slightly disconnected from the rest of the piece--try to have the ending more hard-hitting.
Overall, originality is good. Cut some of the weaker points, and expand on the good ideas already present, and you should find yourself in front of an improved piece.
Courteously yours,
~The CCF
I really wanted to press the "enter" key in the middle of the first stanza....
I like the idea of a change in thought being related to a change in elevation... alot...
This part:
"To scream would
Free and release will
Bring fresh breathing
Amongst this forest of
Smoke and dust."
Did you intend for there to be a comma after "release"? Otherwise it is a rather confusing jumble of words. If this is the case, would/will should remain in the same tense as either "would" or "will" both times.
The further I read in the first stanza, the more I lost you and your meaning.
The second stanza and the last line are well done.
On the contrary, Ofour, I think a redraft would be interesting to read. Whether it is taking into account what other people have said, or is all from you. If you do decide to redraft, PM me; I'd like to read it.
Good luck
-Amelia
I don't think I really explained it, if you can get what I mean...
There are some very mixed reviews here, I'm a little lost as to what to change so I've decided not to redraft or anything.
Thank you everyone for all the comments, they're much appreciated.
the way some of the lines were formed kind of left the poem without flow. The part where you said
"And a change in thought
Will have things popping
Too."
Didn't make much sense to me. I liked the way it went with the first two lines, but it didn't quite make sense.
Overall, I liked the poem and with a few changes it would be really good.
p.s. I know it's not fun to get negative feedback in any way (especially when it's being repeated by several people), but it's just to be helpful
I love this! It's got a great, almost jazzy feel to it. I'm sorry to say, though, that it was really one of the only things that stuck out in this. Try keeping all your imagery this vibrant and original.
All I have to say Ofour, is a poem never goes well when you must explain it
"This poem is about confusion, so don't feel sad if you get confused." hee hee
But all in all...rather strange idea, original, even if it didn't go over perfectly. And yes, I am a little confused from reading that paragraph...
The purpose of this poem is to represent the confusion it is trying to describe but it falls short in the process because it is trying to describe the confusion and it needs to be confused to do so, it can never fully describe the confusion because it is confused but describes the confusion by doing so.
Confused?
I liked this poem but your line breaks seem to be quite random and the language was quite simple. My suggestion to you is to expand your vocabulary a little. The move the words up and down lines, rephrase, read through and keep doing that until it all makes sense.
First of all I liked the poem. I do have some suggestions though...
Like Claudette said the sentences were a bit jumpy and kind of pulled me away from the poem. Well anyway except for that the words were good and I enjoyed reading it!
Good Job!
ML,
oregongirl
I liked it, but the sentence structures, and line structures for that matter, really bothered me.
that's an example. It took me a while to get the "I do not want to do, I want to be," part, and the fact that you then go "And..." it pulls us to another clause, and really muddled it up, so to speak. And the first line...it doesn't even fit with the rest? I can see lack of punctuation with a purpose, but I think this would do better with it.They were jumpy, and didn't flow, and some of the sentences felt lumpy, kind of like you need to clean up your words or something? It also could have done well with more punctuation (the lack of it could have added to me not finding flow).
I think it was interesting, the topic was catching, but reading it was rough. I think you should look at your sentences, like sentences, rather then lines in a poem...
It was just kind of...off kilter? Though not bad at all. Well done 'four
This is definitely a very creative poem. However, I'm not sure why a change in thoughts would have things popping, though that might just be me. Also, the way you worded some of the lines confused me a little bit at first, but again that may just be me. All in all, this is defniitely a good poem!