Published June 24, 2007
Rhiine lay in a coma like state. She was in nothing, and everything, floating like a feather that dances in the wind. Flicking around from dream to dream, from thought to thought then settling with nothing. Finally, after a long while of nothingness, she had a dream.This dream was more vivid than Rhiine ever had. It was in the most perfect impression of something real.
To be continued...
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I can't find anything to be corrected with it, except for, as everybody said:
It's too short.
Just post the whole chapter, or it will be hard to critique properly.
and again too short, if you're trying to make it easy for us to read, don't. Post you whole chapter, or half your chapter, but more than you're posting here. Because posting what you're posting is just going to get you a few comments about it being to short. But I will say this, it is better than the prologue, here you did not start almost every sentence with the word she.
Like Claudette said, you really need to post more of this.
Listen to what Claudette said; she is right. Books need plots; books need conflict; books need characters that show up in more than one paragraph. When you add more to this, I'd be happy to come and look at it, but there is nothing I can really critique here.
Also, this seemed like a repetition of the prologue; you were saying a very similar thing, just giving us a name to go with it.
I have a suggestion!
I can do my best.
Buy and read this book: Writing Fiction.
This book taught me how to become a writer, although, there is still a lot of uphill work from there. This book will help you I'm sure.
You've given us two paragraphs and said it was your prologue, and your chapter one. Do you read? I suggest you read books. Books aren't like this. Read anything, Nancy Drew even. Books aren't like this. Nope nope. You know why? Books have plots. Plots need a problem, and conflict, an issue, a noise character, something to cause a problem. Why? Because your main character needs to get out of it. Look at every book, movie, show, anything you can think of. Don't they all have a conflict? Yes. So far, you have only one character and in all honesty, nothing is happening.
Read, read, read. This will help you. Learn from what you read. Keep reading, always read. Read, read, read.
You're still young, when I was your age, I didn't know how to write either. You are first going to have to learn how to write, with yourself, before we can help you improve. Until then, we can only give you ways to help you learn, but we cannot teach you. That's just... hard =/
I wish you luck on your journey into the joyful world of writing!
If you have any questions please feel free to PM me and I will help you out as much as possible. If you would like to ask me pointers on how to learn to write, you can also ask
This Is okay, however, I totally agrre with AmeliaOliver when she saw toWRITE MORE
You get a dancing elephant for good effort,
First off, try posting a little more, especially for a whole chapter. Otherwise, it is rather difficult to critique. I believe I read somewhere that around 1000 words seemed standard for one chapter here, but I could be wrong in all likelihood ^_^
Again, see where you are able to expand. Don't rely on cliches like "floating like a feather that dances in the wind" to explain things for you; take instances like this to describe exactly how it felt to be floating. Like what she could feel around herself, what she saw; things like that. Same for when her thoughts "settle on nothing". The description of thoughts of nothing has the opportunity to be interesting, even if it is contradictory.
PM me if you need any help or have any questions.
-Amelia