Young Writers Society

I like how the poem just kind of stops...
I love way you described the flirting between the characters
and the images you get of young love,
One question, were the gold buttons a hint that he was a military man??
Is that why hes gone...?

or is he just a dick..?

I'd love to know.

I loved it.

It made me cry.

And if a poem makes me cry, that tends to mean the poet did a wonderful job of incorporating his/her emotion.

Bravo dear! You did well!

that was beautiful. i love how it ends. suspensful. short. it was perfect.
i loved the friendship blossoming into a relationship.
may you two have enternal happiness.

best poem.
by far.
brought tears to my eyes.

[i wonder how much points ill get..]
XD but good job anyway!!
relly liked it
XP

I liked it!
I like the sort of feeling it gave, you created the atmosphere quite well =]
I didn't like the second to last stanza though, it seemed a little.. off. I mean, you could take it out and the poem would still give the same feeling.

The abruptness was okay, but I understand what you're saying. He stopped writing back abruptly, so naturally, it should be abrupt. It works, I guess.

We sat back-to-back for three hours straight
Full on people-watching
Half-flirting
Three-quarters listening to the sax and the trombone.

I loved it

'For will' is like glimpsing for a moment at something blossoming and beautiful, that melts away before your eyes

I could tell you felt very deeply about this and it pours out into your poem
I love how open and sweet it is

the second to last stanza seemed a little rough to me
but all in all it was a very nice poem

whence - Hehe... not into voyeurism? Thanks for the suggestions. I'll work on re-wording the second stanza in particular. And yeah, those West Point full dress uniforms are frickin' awesome.

Amelia Oliver - hehe. I won't come after you... maybe. Just kidding. Thank you for reading and commenting!

Jasmine Hart - Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! I'll reevaluate my punctuation when I go through again. I had written a poem a lot like this about a year ago and found that it was much better sans all punctutation except the commas, but I'll re-think the punctuation in this one. I'm glad you liked it.

Snoink - Lyric poetry expresses the hopes, joys, wishes, and sorrows of the author...? But I guess it could go in Narrative too, since it does tell a story. I'm happy you didn't hate it.

And they smiled and admired our finesse
And you grinned back

I loved it. It was so vivid, and the twist at the end was perfect. I think the punctuation was a little too scarce. I'd definetely add some commas, for example, e.g after "velvet", "sincere" "decorated" "straight" "people-watching" "Half-flirting", and "corridors", and "non-dancers", and a question mark after "pick-up line". I might consider putting "Because....I loved" in a bracket. It's hard to say without actually seeing it with commas, so you'll have to judge that for yourself, I may have mentioned too many, but I think a couple wouldn't go astray. Other than that it was really excellent, and you created the atmosphere effectively.

On a random note:

I was looking through the picture thread, and saw the picture. Yeah, that jacket is pretty freaking awesome.

But in additional regards to the poem:
I felt like I was witnessing something private, something secret that I wasn't apart of. But on the same token, I could relate. If...this makes any sense at all.

So actually, I really have no idea what I'm saying. Um... work on your flow I suppose. Read it aloud, strive to get a lyrical quality in rhythm[ish] alone. If you get what I mean, whatsoever. So...I'll stop rambling now.

It does seem, as you said, something you wrote just to get it off your chest. But despite that, there were nice images and I liked it.

No, by the way, I think the abruptness is nice. Yes, by the way, I did scan some of the reviews above. No, by the way, please don't come after me because of it ^_^

Stanza two seems overdone. Or something... idk.

But the actual events are well-done and concrete...

I think what it could be lacking are literary devices. Well, at least I think they could help

Agreed. Any thoughts about this one in particular?

gah... poetry doesn't have to have any kind of strict structure. It doesn't have to rhyme. It does, however, have to flow

Thanks for your comments!

My only real crit in that the ending seemed short. I know the narrator might not know what happened to Will, but we need to otherwise its a very anticlimactic ending. Is Will dead? Did he get cancer? Is he on vacation with his family in Disneyworld? The poem just kind of stops. We need to know more.

The poem I loved, the set up, not so much. For me, this could too easily be taken out of verse form and still survive. It's poetic, but it needs something more. Rhythm, maybe? Rhyme? But I'm overly partial to those two things. I just think it needs something more and I can't entirely put my finger on it.

I liked this. I liked how it sunk at the end, because up until then, it was sweet, and though I don't like the memories much now, I was reminded of all the soul pleasing dances I had been to. And then, in two lines or so, it was like going off of a cliff, or a roller coaster drop, emotionally. I loved it.

The poem I loved, the set up, not so much. For me, this could too easily be taken out of verse form and still survive. It's poetic, but it needs something more. Rhythm, maybe? Rhyme? But I'm overly partial to those two things. I just think it needs something more and I can't entirely put my finger on it.

But, without it, it's still good. You used the first person, and not once did the words navel gazing pop into my head, because you portrayed the dance, the feelings, the thoughts in such a way that the reader (or rather, me, since I've been to dances) could relate to them, and think of their own memories. I really liked that, because it worked in the most beautiful way.

I really hope you can understand that I thought something was missing, and figure out what it was, and fix it, because this poem deserves to be really, really good.

Keep up the beauty.

This is beautiful and I could see your friendship blossoming into something more. I loved the wording and the little things, the nicknames and the sparkling cider. My only real crit in that the ending seemed short. I know the narrator might not know what happened to Will, but we need to otherwise its a very anticlimactic ending. Is Will dead? Did he get cancer? Is he on vacation with his family in Disneyworld? The poem just kind of stops. We need to know more.