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Violet-Clowns,Magic,Murder and lies

by vampricone6783

*Another origin story,Gacha Club character designs are on my wall.I hope you enjoy!

Long ago,there was a mass children murder,at an orphanage.Children's blood was spilled everywhere.

Crushed music boxes that kids owned littered the ground,along with smushed candy that they would eat.

From that destruction,a clown rose from the blood spilled.

She had purple hair,a pink dress,a matching party hat,wrinkly,pasty skin and stood at seven feet tall.

She heard a voice,a mother,perhaps,calling for her child:


The clown pursed her lips.

"Violet...Violet...I'm...Violet." She said.She would call herself Violet.

Now,Violet was only just beginning to understand this strange,complex world humans live in.It would take some time for her to learn human words,thoughts and feelings.

Some time later,Violet had the intelligence of a fourteen year old and the maturity of a six year old.She was lacking empathy.

But that was enough for her.

Violet was fascinated by the human world and meant to stay.But she didn't know how she'd stay.

One day,Violet found a carnival.She decided to stay there,because it looked cool and she had no other place to go.

As she was standing there,she heard a child running around in the carnival.

Violet,hearing the child,was drooling.You see,she hadn't eaten anything and demon clowns need to eat children to survive.

So,she followed the noise.

"Who are you?" The dinner asked.

Violet didn't speak.She just slashed the food with her claws,until it couldn't make that annoying screaming noise anymore.

Violet was about to eat its dead corpse,but then,something curious happened.

The child got put back together.It was no longer a child,however.It was a demon clown.

Violet stared back in awe.She had never seen anything like it.

"You're..You're a human!" The child yelled,pointing at her.

Violet looked at her own hands and touched her face.

"It appears so." Violet said.

She trapped the child in the carnival with her magic and ran outside.

Now,she had a purpose.

Violet knew she wouldn't last very long as a human and the only way to keep this form was to murder others or find dead bodies.Then,take them to her carnival,where they will become clowns.She'll become even more human with the more people she murdered.

But where to start?

Violet was walking in a cemetery.She found two human adults,one male and one female, a female human teen and a little girl,standing in front of a grave that had the name:"Jennifer" on it.

That was the only thing Violet could read on the grave,anyway.

The female teen was the only one crying.The little one looked sad and the parents looked like they didn't care.

Violet also noticed that the teen was the only one in the family who had red eyes.The rest of them had brown eyes.

Violet smiled.The teen would be her perfect prey.

"What's wrong?" Violet asked,walking next to the family.

They didn't answer.They ignored her.

That was fine.She'd keep trying.

Violet went back to her carnival.

The next day,Violet smelled the teen from the graveyard at her carnival.She was wearing a clown costume,performing.

"Well,this just got easier than I thought it'd be." Violet said,smiling to herself.

Turning into her human form,Violet walked up to the teen and introduced herself as Violet,a witch.The girl looked like someone who would believe in witches and she couldn't risk what would happen if she saw her with magic.She didn't want her to know that she was a demon clown.She also told her that her family had a circus that was rivaling with her family circus.She planned to tell the same circus lie to her parents,so that it seemed more real.

Violet lied through her teeth to Philippa.

Surprisingly,she didn't seem scared of Violet when she told her that she was a witch.

The teen told her that her name was Philippa.

Now,at first that was all Violet knew about her,that her name was Philippa.But soon,she learned that Philippa was a very sad and lost girl,who missed this one human named Jennifer deeply.

Violet had an idea of what to do.She didn't want Philippa to die in her hands.No,she had a different plan.

If Violet just kept mentioning Jennifer to her and had Philippa talk about Jennifer, forcing her to think depressing things,if she just nudged her in the right direction and built her trust and then "died",then Violet would get what she wanted.

Besides,it was better when the victim was full of guilt and sadness than when she hurt the victim herself.

Finally,when Violet thought she had Philippa in the right state of mind,she faked her own death.The cause of Violet's "death" would be something called Cholera.

As she suspected,Philippa was overcome with sadness for Violet's death and had poisoned herself.

When no one was looking,Violet teleported to Philippa's house,in her clown form.Philippa's mother and sister were outside,staring at the police cars that came to take Philippa's body away.

A police officer came and examined Philippa's body.

Violet smiled.Not for long.

Violet grabbed Philippa's body and teleported with it before anyone could notice anything.

She took her to the carnival,where Philippa became a clown.

But Violet wanted Philippa to feel more pain than she already felt in her life.

So,she kept Philippa in a deep sleep,at her tent.She'd have Philippa haunt her very own house after some decades,which would be painful for Philippa and fun for Violet.


Months later,Violet could smell people at her carnival.She smelled excitement,children and birthday cake,too.

Violet found a young adult and the same little girl she had seen with Philippa.She already knew their names.

Conrad and Lily.Philippa's siblings.

"Maybe I'll kill you guys too." Violet cackled.

Yes,she would definitely kill them and trap them in her carnival.

Violet was getting dizzy from her bloodlust.So she took a deep breath and turned into a human.

She needed to set her plan into action,starting now.

Is this a review?



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1485 Reviews

Points: 154066
Reviews: 1485

Tue Mar 29, 2022 2:49 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...

Hey vampricone! It seems I'm working my way through all your pieces in the Green Room so when I came across another I thought that I better give it a review too xD

I like the matter of fact way in which you introduce the story. It's reminiscent of children's fairy tales but in a much darker way.

Children's blood was spilled everywhere.Crushed music boxes that kids owned littered the ground,along with smushed candy that kids would eat.

I've noticed this in some of your other posts too, but every time you have a piece of punctuation, you need a space after it. This also helps to separate the text and make it easier to read. So, the above should look like this:
Children's blood was spilled everywhere. Crushed music boxes that kids owned littered the ground, along with smushed candy that kids would eat.
If you're writing with a word processor, it should flag those things for you.

She had purple hair and a pink dress. She heard a voice, a mother perhaps, calling for her child:

I think the description could be more detailed here. I've also gone ahead and tweaked the punctuation so you can see how it should look.

Some time later,Violet had the intelligence of a fourteen year old and the maturity of a six year old.She was lacking empathy.

This time jump is very confusing. Why introduce us to Violet at this point if you're immediately going to jump forward in time? And as we don't have any context at the beginning regarding her age, this point doesn't really mean a lot to us.

There's also the beginning of a lot of questions or points of inciting incident. For example, the fact she wants to stay in the human world but doesn't know how. You mention these points but then move on very swiftly. Things like that give the character purpose and they can make the story feel more real - your character isn't doing things just for the sake of it, they have motivation behind their actions.

I think again this is a little too fast paced and there are parts that aren't explored as much as they could be. This, to me, feels like a good starting point because you have the bones of a plot but you need to flesh out with things like description and motivation.

That being said, I'm definitely seeing an improvement with some of your later posts compared to the earlier ones so I think practice is certainly helping! Keep writing!


vampricone6783 says...

Thanks for the review.

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701 Reviews

Points: 49988
Reviews: 701

Sat Mar 19, 2022 12:22 pm
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...

Hey! Forever here with a review!!

This was a cool story, overall. Also, my review is going to be a bit different from my general reviews.

Long ago,there was a tragic mass children murder,at an orphanage.

"tragic mass children murder" doesn't sound good and it's kind of very long to be read at once. Like a mass children murder can't be anything but tragic. It has to be tragic. So, it's pretty okay to omit the word tragic from here. It would sound better too. Next the excess of commas. In the same line you put a lot of commas. I don't think we need a comma between murder and at.
From that destruction,a horrid clown demon rose from the blood spilled.

If you read it aloud, you will understand where the problem is. The sentence construction seems to be a bit weird. The repetition of "from" is completely unnecessary. You could simply write it as "A horrid clown rose from the blood spilled" or "From that destruction, a horrid clown rose". Also, you don't really need to mention the word "horrid" here. We can see the fact that she was horrid from the story itself. You don't have to inform the readers earlier that the clown was horrid.
Now,Violet was only just beginning to understand this strange,complex world we live in.

It's better not to write "we" when you are writing in third person narrative.
Violet was walking in a cemetery.She found two human adults,one male and one female, a female human teen and a female little girl,standing in front of a grave that had the name:"Jennifer" on it.

I wonder about the phrase "female little girl". I mean doesn't simply using the word 'girl' say that the person is female? This whole sentence need to be edited. You could write it as "She found a two men, a woman and two girls- one teenager and one of about (insert age here)."
Violet lied through her teeth to her.

Not very sure but it did sound a bit awkward to my ears. That can be due to my unfamiliarity to the phrase though. But one thing I can say is to remove two "her". You can easily replace the last "her" with Philippa.
.The cause of Violet's "death" would be something called Cholera.

Mentioning the word "disease" can be helpful. It will just be a bit more specific here.

Done with quotes. Now. into my other questions. How did Violet really teleport Philippa's body? I mean of course she can do that but it's unnatural that we didn't get any idea of this in the origin stories of Conrad and Lily. Like the disappearance of a dead person can create a lot of chaos among people and is going to leave a mark on the minds of their family members. It's unnatural that it didn't here.

I do wonder a bit about Violet's actual origin. I mean from what I understood from the earlier stories, humans after death turn into demons and in the case of Violet, the same happened. From the earlier stories, we also saw that the humans after becoming demons do not forget their memories. Lily and Conrad remembered pretty much everything. So, why not Violet? Here, it seems like she forgot everything and eh, to some extent the story made me think that she didn't even belong from this world. That's pretty weird , to be honest. I would suggest to dig a bit further and find her actual origin. That is what I think the purpose of an origin story is. Here it seems like we jumped in the middle which is not the case.

So, I correctly deduced that Violet faked her own death. It's kind of ironic that she is doing so many struggles when she can simply grab them and murder them all. Also, I guess there was a mention in the story that she would have to kill more "children" to become a human. So, killing Conrad is not going to help. I still wonder why she killed him. However,, it's pretty concerning that Violet is becoming even more murderous.

Keep Writing!


vampricone6783 says...

You made some good points.I have not at that the moment came up with a reason for why she murdered Conrad,but I will.

As for editing,I%u2019ll do that.

vampricone6783 says...

Also,when I first wrote this story,I intended for Violet to be inhuman.

But maybe I%u2019ll rethink it.I don%u2019t know.

"You're wrong about humanity. They are your greatest creation because they're better than you are. Sure, they're weak, and they cheat and steal and destroy and disappoint, but they also give and create, and they sing and dance and love. Above all, they never give up."
— Metatron