*The origin story of Angelita’s sister Maybelline.Gacha Club character designs are on my wall.Enjoy!
Not too long ago,there was a young girl named Maybelline Lopez,who had two loving parents and an awesome twin sister named Angelita.
Maybelline lived a perfect life.(Well,as perfect as life could get) but that wouldn’t last.
On a night when their parents went out on a date and they were left with their babysitter,Maybelline heard horrid news…news from the local channel they watched…news that their parents were dead.
It couldn’t be true! Their parents couldn’t be dead!
But it was true.Their parents were dead.
They were orphans.
Maybelline,devastated,thought about running away to the abandoned carnival,with her sister,just to be there,to feel calmer,to feel at peace.
They’d sneak out when the babysitter wasn’t looking..
……………………………………………………………
It was the middle of the night and the girls had snuck out and successfully entered the carnival.
Angelita was beginning to have second thoughts,but Maybelline didn’t care.Why would she? The carnival was abandoned,like them.No one cared about the carnival,just like no one would care about the girls.
“We should go back.Nova will be worried about us.” Angelita said.
Nova was the babysitter.
“And face the fact that our parents are dead?! Us running away to this carnival is paradise!” Maybelline squealed.How could she even think of leaving?
A clown with purplish-bluish hair,a yellow puffy sleeved shirt,red puffy shorts,a green party hat,green socks and pink shoes stepped out of the darkness,holding a yellow balloon and a pink lollipop.
Angelita and Maybelline looked at the clown.
As if that wasn’t weird or creepy enough,a marionette woman danced out of the darkness.She had puppet strings on her,glass eyes,a black,empty mouth holding a rose and a pink dress on.
Even weirder,they seemed to recognize the twins and yelled:
“Daughters!”
The girls glared at them.
“You weirdos aren’t our parents.” They said,
“Care to explain?” The clown asked the puppet.
“Definitely!” She beamed.
“Okay,so it’s like this.When we were human and standing in line at the restaurant where we would get our dinner,this young blond girl with violet eyes is standing all alone,crying.She’s saying:”I’m lost! Somebody help me!” So,we agree to help her.She thanks us and tells us to follow her.We ask her why and she says it’s to show us where her parents were last time.We make the dumb decision to follow her and then,she pins us both to the ground and kills us.Our souls were demons for a bit,but that’s not all.She changed us and made as come back as…this.” The puppet pointed to herself and then her husband emphasizing the fact that they weren’t human.
“We can’t even leave this place.Believe me,we tried.” The puppet said.
“If you’re REALLY our parents,then prove it.” Maybelline said.
“Well,you,the girl in red and with longer hair,you’re Maybelline.You,the girl in purple and with shorter hair,you’re Angelita.We had to dress you guys in your favorite colors and style your hair differently so we could distinguish you.Sometimes,you’re friends would mistaken you for each other and we’d all have to explain to them that you guys are two different people.One time in Kindergarten,you got upset,Maybelline,because your friends thought Angelita was you and you tried telling them the truth,but they wouldn’t listen.You came crying to us after school and you even wet the bed-“ The clown was saying,but Maybelline interrupted him.
“Okay,okay,we get it.You’re our parents.No need to go into detail.” Maybelline said.
Their parents smiled.
“I can also become a clown.” Their mother said.Then,she transformed into a tall,green haired clown with pigtails,a pink puffy shirt,a blue skirt and yellow shoes.
“Wow! Cool!” The girls squealed.
From behind them,a female purple-haired,pink dress wearing clown was behind them,holding a knife.
“BEHIND YOU!” Their parents yelled.
The girls looked behind them and screamed.
The clown lunged towards them.
Their parents tried to save them,but it was too late.She already sliced and diced them.
“…I guess we’re all together now.” Maybelline said,laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation.
The monstrous family did a group hug.
Sure,they were…clown creatures,trapped in a carnival,but the important thing was that they were together.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello again! I'm back for another review
I've commented on punctuation before so I'm just going to dive right into the story with this one.
Awesome is an interesting descriptor here. I assume that the whole story will be told from Maybelline's perspective and this is the kind of language she uses. It's a nice subtle way of indicating her age and juvenility.
The whole part where she finds out her parents are dead is a little rushed for me. This would be a great opportunity to show how she feels, and build tension when she watches it on the news. Hearing about it after the fact means we are more distanced from the character when you could use it to make us feel closer to her.
Also, there's very little explanation as to why she would run away to be at peace in an abandoned carnival. Did her parents take her there before they died? Why does she have a connection to it?
I'm also surprised the babysitter continues to look after them. In usual circumstances they would be with a family member or have some kind of social services, so why is Nova still looking after them? Babysitter isn't usually a full time job and I doubt she signed up for this.
I like that the girls asked the parents to prove it was them as that felt pretty realistic. I do think though that the way of speaking that the parents have could be more differentiated from the children, to show the age gap.
A bittersweet ending, but nice to have a happier one for a change!
Hope this was helpful
Icy
Thanks.
hello vampricone! i'm here with a review for you c:
i loved reading this! it was creative, and different from what i read on a daily basis, but it was good. the ending too...O.O i just have a few things on where you could improve, so this short story will be even better!
something i noticed throughout this story is the lack of spaces. take this for example:
while it should be this:
you see the difference? be sure to put spaces before your periods and commas.
i think you could have mentioned earlier in the story that their babysitter's name was Nova. it just seems like this was shoved into the middle of everything.
that's quite an ending!
good job with this! feel free to ignore any part of this review if you disagreed with it. have a nice day/night!
momo
I like how you compared the abandoned carnival to the main characters feeling of abandonment.
Great spot for Maybelline to interrupt.
Points for a happy ending, even a horrifying one.
Good job, bud. It kept me interested to the end.
Thanks.