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12+ Violence Mature Content

Veronica-Clowns,Magic,Murder and Lies

by vampricone6783


*This is Veronica’s origin story.I have Gacha Club character designs on my wall.Enjoy!

There was a thirteen year old girl named Veronica.Veronica lived in a beautiful victorian style mansion.Her family had their own private property that they owned,they named it:"Shimmering Lake." They were richer than anything,so Veronica should have been happy,right?

Wrong! Veronica felt like there was something missing from her life.Even though she was thirteen now,she never truly stopped believing in magic and fairies.Every single time when she'd talk to other kids her age,they'd make fun of her and call her a child.She told her parents,but they were no help.They told her to ignore them and she did,but they never stopped bullying her.

Veronica may have not had any friends,but she was fine.She had her books and the family garden.Who needed friends when you had those things?

One day,in her room,she saw lights flashing outside her window.

The lights shifted and turned into...

Tiny humans with wings.Fairies.

Veronica was delighted.Fairies were real!

A red haired fairy with a purple dress and flower crown went up to Veronica and introduced herself as Calypso,the Queen of fairies.

Apparently,the fairies lived in her property since the beginning of time,before it was even HER property.

They started to tell Veronica stories and show her their powers.It was so wonderful.They cared about her!

From that day on,the fairies kept on visiting her,performing for her and making her happy.They were Veronica's friends and her secret.

One day,however,Veronica asked her fairy friends if she could have their powers and be like them.They said no and that it was too much for her.

Veronica was confused.How could powers be too much for her?

She heard of the fairies having a fairy spell book and she found that book in her attic.

Veronica read it.Apparently,there was a way for her to get magical powers.She just had to utter a spell.

Veronica uttered the spell.

Everything went black.....

...........................................................................

The next thing she knew,Veronica was standing over her parents' dead bodies.

"What?! What happened?!" Veronica panicked.

Fairies appeared in front of her.Calypso wasn't there,for some reason.

One fairy said:"You uttered an ancient and evil spell that turned you into a sorceress,mind controlled you and had you kill your parents."

Another said "We visited you to make you happy.We didn't ask for this."

"But I just wanted to be cool and amazing like you!" Veronica cried.

"It was a mistake associating with a human." The fairies said.

Veronica was beyond frustrated and sad.She just wanted their powers! She wanted to live in harmony with them!

But apparently she couldn't have the infinite happiness the fairies had.

Veronica started crying,crying,and crying.She couldn’t stop even if she wanted to.The tears and heaving of her chest was inevitable and never-ending.A hell which would last eternally.

When she woke up,she was dead.

"Oh great! I cried myself to death!" Veronica wailed.

But all was not lost,for she still had her powers.

That day,Veronica made a vow to wait for new people to come and visit her house,so she could test her powers on them.She didn't care if it would be painful for them or not.

She went through all this pain,so why should she spare others from it?

characters in Gacha Club:

(Blood/gore in last picture)

Veronica (Normal):

Veronica (Demon form.She has this form because she died a painful death and she still hasn’t accepted what happened):




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Wed Jun 15, 2022 3:00 pm
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hi vampricone!

I really like the concept of the story. I interpret it as a tragic tale about a flawed character who, in the end, just wanted to belong. I find it relatable that Veronica wasn’t like ‘super miserable’ or anything in the beginning; even though she had it rough at school, she had peace at home, so she was living in a kind of ‘you-win-some-you-lose-some’ situation. But then her desire to become one of the fairies is also easy to understand, because up until that point she had never experienced anything bad to do with magic. So her naivete cost her dearly in her quest to get what she wanted.

Something I liked about your story was the pacing. I felt there was just enough information shared at each step. For example, in the beginning I know enough about Veronica to think about why she would want to become like the fairies. I read about her being bullied, and I thought – maybe she thinks she can’t do well in the human world, so she retreats into her home and the appearance of the fairies offer a chance to escape into something better.

Something that could be improved on might be the continuity. For example, on the whole the narration sounds like it’s coming from Veronica herself:

They were richer than anything,so Veronica should have been happy,right?
Wrong!

These sound like thoughts coming from Veronica’s head, because they are phrased so directly. (‘Wrong’ rather than ‘But Veronica was not happy’) So the beginning of the story feels a little odd, because it feels like something a third person narrator would be saying rather than Veronica herself, as it begins with “Long ago” and proceeds to describe Veronica’s life in a very distant way.

"Oh great! I cried myself to death!" Veronica screamed.

I also thought the above quote wasn’t very continuous with the mood of the second part of the story. “Oh great” makes me think she’s saying it sarcastically, but from what I can tell, she’s not. It’s also a bit odd to ‘scream’ the words “Oh great”, because they have this sarcastic edge to it and generally I think people don’t scream when they’re being sarcastic?

However, I liked how you convey the characters’ emotions in the story. I could feel the joy in these lines:
They started to tell Veronica stories and show her their powers.It was so wonderful.They cared about her!

This following line of dialogue also conveys a sense of disappointment from the fairy, which made me feel bad for Veronica since she looked up to the fairies so much:
Another said:"We visited you to make you happy.We didn't ask for this."


Overall, your story’s characters are sympathetic and leave an impression. If you’re looking on ways to revise this or improve your next story, my main suggestions would be to think about how the tone of the narration and dialogue blends together and if it ‘fits’ the idea that you’re going for, and also if the tone changes too fast or too slowly than you want it to. Adding spaces to the ends of sentences might also help make the text easier to read, for example some of your first few lines could be spaced as follows:
Her family had their own private property that they owned. They named it: "Shimmering Lake." They were richer than anything, so Veronica should have been happy, right?

I also changed one more thing because I noticed a comma splice in that quote. There’s a great KB article you can read on commas splices here: Comma splices

Hope some of this helps and feel free to ask for more feedback!

-Lim




vampricone6783 says...


Thank you for the review.

I edited it a bit.



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Wed Jun 08, 2022 6:21 pm
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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

I have read some of your other related works before, but I have to say, I enjoyed this one the most. Its mostly because throughout the story, I could not settle on a single emotion about the characters or their story. You had us flitting from one scene to the next and even though the ride was a little bizarre and strange, it was still an entertaining experience.

I am not very used to reading fast-paced stories like these as I feel they do not allow much room for introspection and analysis of the characters. However, there was a strange energy about your narration, a directness that was almost refreshing. The way you addressed the readers at times complimented the unpredictable developments of the story, and yet at its heart, we can see the core emotions that motivate our main character and guide her throughout the story.

I liked how you have managed to set Veronica's character apart with the difference of her interests to that of her friends. Even though the fast pace of the story does not really allow us to get a clear sense of her character, I still felt more connected to her than any of the other characters I have read about in your stories. I would still recommend you to give your characters some space to establish themselves first before dragging them along with the intricacies of your plot. That way, you readers will be able to invest more in your characters and actually accompany them emotionally on their journey.

These are some points I noticed:

She has her books and the family garden.Who needed friends when you had those things?

In the very beginning of the story, you establish the fact that all of this happened a long time ago. Besides, the entire story takes place in the past tense and yet in this part, you suddenly switch to the present which might confuse your readers a little. Try to avoid such switches as they also disrupt the flow for a moment.

When she woke up,she was dead.

"Oh great! I cried myself to death!" Veronica screamed.

I am not sure if you meant it to be this way, but the randomness of this sudden plot development and especially the way it happened made me laugh out loud. Once again I am not sure if it was humor your were intending for, but the chaotic energy was so palpable in this part that I did not know what to feel in this instance. Because we do not have that deep of a connection with your characters, these small and strange moments elicit genuine reactions from your readers. Even if they don't feel enough for Veronica to sympathize for her misfortunes, at least they can laugh at the way it came about.

Veronica started crying,crying,and crying.

This is one of the instances where I feel you could have added more content to help the readers connect with your characters. For example, here we know that Veronica was upset and that she was crying. Instead of using the word thrice to carry it across to the readers, you could have given us a more detailed description of her mental state. What was she feeling? Was she perhaps sobbing uncontrollably or gasping for breath in agony? Was she feeling guilty for unknowingly murdering her parents or was she feeling angry and miserable? These are some points that you can expand on to add more momentum to the scene.

Also, those are some cool drawings for the character! I especially like the gothic touch to her appearance against the intimidating purple background!

Keep writing and have a great day!




vampricone6783 says...


I%u2019m actually using a character making app called %u201CGacha Club%u201D which also provides backgrounds.

I can draw but not like that.




Writing is my soul made tangible on paper.
— bluewaterlily