Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this is another intriguing origin story right here. Once again I think you do a great job in terms of showcasing how these emotions play out. Not the most unique this time because we saw this happen to another couple earlier, but I think this version was more powerful with the way you managed to include a bit more in terms of the emotions and the backstory of the characters here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Some time in the 90s,there was a young man named Conrad.He had two younger sisters.Philippa was the middle child (she was sixteen) and Lily was the littlest one,which made Philippa the older of the two,when she was alive (Lily was turning four).Conrad loved his siblings deeply.

That's why he felt like it was his fault when he heard about Philippa's death.He wished had hadn't been working and that he had been there with her to cope with the loss of Jennifer and Violet.He knew their parents wouldn't help,because they only cared about money from their circus.He wished..

Oooh well we're diving in quickly on this one. Its interesting to se a story that's getting starte right off the bat with a lot of things to be sad about coming in almost immediately. Often we have this sort of thing being built up to a lot slower than what we're seeing here.

But wishing doesn't solve anything.He wasn't there for Philippa,but he'd be there for Lily.

Right now,He was at the circus Philippa used to perform in,playing "Hide and Seek" with Lily and her friends.He had taken Lily there,for her birthday.

Only,he couldn't find Lily anywhere.He found everyone else,but not Lily.

Conrad was starting to get concerned.Someone tapped his shoulder.

"Excuse me,are you looking for someone?" The voice asked.

OOoh I love this here. Conrad looks like someone who will get things done there with how he's trying his best not to dwell too much on the fast and is actively attempting to try and be better with the people he still has with him.

The person talking to him looked JUST LIKE Philippa's girlfriend,Violet.But that couldn't be the case,because Violet was dead.Maybe this was her doppelgänger..

"Yes.My little sister,Lily.She's-" Conrad was about to give her a description,but the girl held up her hand.

"I know where she is.Follow me." Violet's lookalike said.

He found this extremely weird,but he had no other choice.He wanted to find his sister.

So,he followed her.

Oh that definitely is weird, I am almost positive that you can't just now the description of a stranger unless of course this is either someone who already did something horrible to Lily or the lookalike isn't actually a lookalike but rather this is Violet in another form somehow.

She began transforming before his eyes,until she was a gruesome,pasty,purple haired clown.

"I'm Violet.But I'm a demon clown and I need to kill people to gain a human form." Violet seethed.

Before he could run,she lunged at him,ripping him apart ravenously with her claws,until he was nothing but blood and flesh.

Well that's not particularly surprising on that one although I have to say you did enough there to create some pretty solid ambiguity as to where its going so the twist did in fact manage to land somewhat.

He woke up lying on a dirt floor,in a carnival tent.

He walked outside.It was dark and black.Night already.

His foot crushed something.

Conrad looked down.Why was he wearing ridiculous clown boots?

The thing he stepped on was a mirror.

He picked it up.

Ooooh well I suppose this is yet another victim of our clown looking for a human form. Conrad's fate it seems is not quite so bittersweet as the couple from earlier as he seems alone although I think Lily not getting pulled into this is honestly still a better outcome than if she were to suffer this fate too/

He tried to exit the carnival,but was zapped back inside.

"We're trapped here." A voice said.

Conrad looked up.She looked different,but the clown standing in front of him was definitely Lily.

"Yes,it's me.Lily.Conrad,I'm scared.Violet cursed us.We'll never leave this place.Are we going to be like this...forever?" Lily asked,crying.

Conrad hugged Lily.

"Listen,I don't know how long we'll be clowns or how long we'll be trapped here,but I will find a way to fix everything.Mark my words." Conrad whispered into her ear.

"Even if something bad happens to you?" Lily asked.

"Even if something bad happens to me." Conrad answered gravely.

Well... the worst possible option did come true after all there. Well I suppose that was to be expected, it is incredibly rare to see a genuinely happy ending in one of these stories. At the very least it seems once again we have some hope here and it seems more of a protective than a revenge based on too which is a pretty cool change there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, another lovely piece to add onto the ever growing list here. I think this was a better depiction of the horror of what Violet does and you see a little more of the pain it can cause and how indiscriminately she can hunt for targets.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hi vampricone! It's been a little while since I've read any of your pieces on here so I thought I'd take the opportunity on this sunny Friday to read something dark and mysterious xD

Some time in the 90s,there was a young man named Conrad. He had two younger sisters. Philippa was the second youngest (she was sixteen) and Lily was the youngest (she was four).Conrad loved his siblings deeply.

This is a good paragraph to establish the setting and the characters and is very reminiscent of your story telling style - I think it fits well! Forever has already mentioned the formatting, which I actually think will go a great way in making this feel more readable (I've actually tweaked it in the section I've copied so you can see the difference). But overall I think a good start. I also think you could change it so you don't repeat 'youngest' and maybe have 'Philippa was the older of the two' instead.

But wishing doesn't solve anything.He wasn't there for Philippa,but he'd be there for Lily.

At the moment,He was at the circus Philippa used to perform in,playing "Hide and Seek" with Lily and her friends.He had taken Lily there,for her birthday.

This felt like quite a choppy jump. It might be the 'at the moment' that feels out of place, but the change didn't quite work for me. I'm also struggling to work out where this fits in terms of timing. In the first paragraph you tell us the ages of the sisters but it's spoken as though Philippa is still alive. Did she die at 16? Was it recent? Which birthday is this for Lily? 4? 5? Or much older? It's hard to place.

Maybe this was her doppelgänger..

This feels out of place too, almost like Conrad is making a weird joke but only to himself?

She began transforming before his eyes,until she was a gruesome,pasty,purple haired clown.

"I'm Violet.But I'm a demon clown and I need to kill people to gain a human form." Violet seethed.

Ok this is a good twist, but I think some more tension and suspense needs to be added in there! I'm no good at writing horror, but I recommend reading someone like Stephen King to see how he does it well.

I think the plot itself works well, but some tweaks just need to be done on pacing. Everything happens quite fast and you have some really interesting things here that could be explored further.

Happy Friday!

Icy

Hey! Forever here with a review!!

This was yet another interesting origin story which presented us with the daring character of Conrad. It seems like he doesn't care for his life and only cared for Lily after Phillipa's death. Lily's death perhaps lead to a realization inside him and he stopped being like his parents. That was quite a good thing. I really liked the fact that you succeeded at portraying the character of Conrad in a solid way in such a short story.

There's one formatting issue which I got today. Though not very important it is better not to have it. You don't put space after full stops. As of the standard typing thing, you need to put it. Also, I don't understand the use of putting full stops in some places like

.Mark.my.words

We often put full stops to emphasize things but here it is kind of very unnecessary and disturbs the flow of the story.

Anyway, jumping into the plot now. Nothing new because we really got to know the fate of Conrad in the previous story. However I find it interesting that Violet will have to kill quite a few number of people to become a human. Also, did she have any sort of enmity with Philippa? Like why did she particularly tag Philippa's relatives? Was Philippa somehow responsible for her death?

Now I wonder about what is going to happen to Conrad. Will he be able to escape with his sister? I guess he will be to some extent because Violet might not have any grudge against them after she becomes a human and also her curse might not work. We will see.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever