That Girl

Unsocialbutterfly,

I'm finding that I really love reading your stuff because there's so much authenticity to your voice. We're complete strangers to each other, yet there's something personal and revealing about this particular piece that draws me in.

You write with a lot of heart and voice, and that's certainly something that makes your pieces enjoyable to read. Through tone alone you're able to convey emotion and that's a difficult feat to accomplish, but I feel that is your strength. When I read this, I feel as though this girl is yearning to fulfill all expectations. The thoughts here, rather than feeling contrived and forced, feel genuine and true and like the exact kind of thoughts/feelings of a young, possibly teenaged speaker.

I like the execution here as well. To go from general to more specific, from everyone's girl, to his girl. That was nicely done, and the rhyming/rhythm here makes this more of a lyrical poem and honestly to me, it falls under the quality of lyrics more than poetry. All in all, your ideas are good. Your ideas have all the potential. So the question is how to take this further than just an idea?

What this poem lacks is imagery. Figurative language. Metaphors, similes, sensory details. Without these poetic elements, a poem is only thoughts. Musical thoughts. But what are ideas/thoughts at the end of the day? Forgettable. A person has a thousand thoughts a day, that's not why we read poetry. We read poetry for the experience.

Without figurative language, a poem stays on the page - it stays flat, 2D. That's not what you want to do -at least, if I'm assuming you want to expand on this for the contest entry then you want to be able to create depth, you want to create an experience for your reader, that's what makes a poem memorable.

Please keep in mind, it's not just about describing what this girl looks like. It's about describing and recreating the experience. It's the difference between telling someone a summary of your favorite movie, versus getting the full experience of watching the movie first-hand.

Create scenes. Scenes have background music, props, there's a mood and atmosphere, there's thoughts/ideas, there's action, there's characters and real people, there's emotions. Think images.

Note the difference between telling the reader:

"I want to be that girl,
your girl,
everyone's girl."

and showing the reader through poetic language instead:

I bare my teeth out at the world
and turn eyes skywards, towards moon
inside I'm raging, storming
the tides are pushing, pulling
the girl inside of me
transforming
to who I yearn to be.

^ I know that's a bit cheesy ;D But I hope it serves to kind of explain what I was going for. Scene prevails over thoughts anyday! Let me know if you have any questions.

~ as always, Audy

First off, it's a expressive poem, but the way it's written just isn't doing it for me.
The first stanza doesn't make sense; look over it again. I can point out a couple mistakes right now:
(I want to be that girl, your girl, but everyones girl)
First, get rid of the word 'but'. It will flow much more smoothly. Second, add an apostrophe before the 's' in 'everyones'.
Next, the fourth set of lines-
(The girl that's always there. Period.)
I would personally say, get rid of the "Period". The poem has a nicer texture without it.
Next, the fifth stanza: Like the first, it doesn't make a ton of sense, paticularly the "lets be" portions. I would advise going back and revising that.
Overall, this IS NOT A BAD POEM. That's not what I'm trying to say at all. Your craftsmanship needs quite a bit of work, but your poem has voice. That's what makes a work decent. The voice.
So, are there things you need to revise or straighten out? Yes. Rewrite a couple stanzas? Perhaps. But make sure you keep the voice.

Maybe you could name it one of these:

Your girl

Everyone's girl

That girl

I loved this. It's amazing. Surprisingly close to how I feel sometimes, so it feels really real to me. I honestly wouldn't change a thing.

Hi, this is the first poem I've read of yours I believe. Good luck on the contest!

Review/Edits:
In the first stanza it should be "everyone's girl" (with an apostraphe 's').

In the 5th stanza I get what you're saying with the "lets the situation be" line but I just don't think it fits, because most of the poem focuses on a person-people/ person-person relationship and then their confidence in herself, it's almost like you're introducing another un-developed subject with the situation line.

The last stanza is a little strange that you're adding a rhyme in it with "strong and along" it almost takes away from the flow to have a rhyme when there hasn't been one before. I also think that you should somehow change the last stanza so that the last line isn't: "and pull me along" just because for a poem you normally want to end on something really strong, or a line that the reader will take a new idea, or remember from. The line "and pull me along." is almost the opposite of the rest of the poem as well because in the first part (before last stanza) sounds like a girl who's not very confident in herself BUT she wants people to be confident in others, and wants to be strong. The last stanza almost feels like shes giving the rest of the poem all up, that she still can't trust herself, and just wants to rely on someone else for everything (especially with the last line).

Good job on the poem, thanks for posting!

~Alliyah

it's good, but maybe try to explain it more somehow, i just don't really understand what this poem is about

hi,

I really enjoyed this poem. It was a bit lacking though, it just needs something else that will really bring it up another level.

I don't like the lines

The girl that's always there.
Period.

want to be that girl,
your girl,
but everyones girl.

That girl that can stay strong,
that can hold on.

The girl who will push
through her own fears
as if they didn't exist.

The girl that's always there.
Period.

The girl that everyone trusts,
that everyone clings to,
whom everyone just lets be with:
lets themselves be
lets me be
lets the situation be
because they trust me.

I want to be your girl.
I want to hold on to you
when I don't feel strong
so you can grab my hand
and pull me along.

I thought you did a great poem and you should keep on writing as I throughly enjoyed that!