I've come to a conclusion.

Hello~ Aley here

First thing I'd like to say is that you use repetition well, and I like that you're not trying to use a rhyme scheme or make this way dramatic with bleeding hearts and ripped chests and stuff. You have a good vocabulary to work with here and that's a really great start.

Now on to the critique part of the review. First thing first, and probably the most obvious part, is that your sentence structure has some problems.

"And" is used as a conjunction, just like "that" is used as a conjunction, and "because" as well. You're using the periods wrong, in other words, because you put a period where you need a comma according to the words you use.

The problem is that you're not exactly declaring your sentences, or what your subject always is. "I've come to a conclusion" is fine as a sentence on it's own, and it should be followed up with a conclusion. The next sentence you have marked out starts with "As" which means it has to have something else happening. "As I sit here like a marionette, unloved, unwanted by society." while this is really poetic, it doesn't make a good sentence. You could change it by taking out "As" or by adding "I am" in front of "unloved" which would add a subject to the descriptors "unloved..." thus making it a complete sentence.

"Because I can't perform the same dance as the dame before me." This has the same problem. Because you say because, we need something else to go with it. Because means that the next thing is just a subordinate clause of the sentence. You could connect this to the last one, by saying "I am unloved, unwanted by society, because I cannot perform..." and thus solve the issue, or you could take out "because." These types of things are easy to pick out because the words used are conjunctions. If you're stuck on that, then I can always give you some more pointers.

Otherwise I don't think there's much to say. The poem is very clear and while it's not exactly something I can relate to right now, I know that a lot of people feel this way so that's just a personal opinion.

If you have any questions or want more advice, please get in touch.

Though I think there are a few things wrong with this poem, it's truly quite good. As a writer, you've done a good job of making certain lines flow beautifully into the next. My favorite example of that is this: "I've come to a conclusion. That I'm scared." While those aren't complete sentences and shouldn't really have periods, somehow this line is like music to me.

"To live. To love. To move on"--this is great rhythm and has a lot of bounce, so to speak. However, some of your lines are so short that it might help to break up your second line into two." As I sit here, Like a marionette"--these ones sound better in my ears, and this way they would transition into the very short "unloved" line more smoothly.

I also am fond of the lines about friends and smiles. Those are good lines, and they rhyme well. However, I think I would rather read "And no matter how many smiles I fake, or how many friends I make" because then the meter would be more consistent between these two. You may not care for meter generally, but even some modern music still exhibits meter because it's pleasing to the ear.

Anyway, I like this poem though I would say it needs some polishing. I hope to read some more from you. Also, as you recently joined YWS, I say, "Welcome!" Thanks for posting.

How exciting another poem I can relate to, one of my favorites. Anyways! Beautiful diction, your word choice was simple yet amazing, not so complex, which most writers tend to do to try and sound sophisticated, but sophistication doesn't necessarily fit with creative writing, it's about the author, the reader, and the emotions that run through the writing, and you my friend nailed it! I especially love how you used the simile

As I sit here like a marionette...

Those are the puppets on strings, which creates a feeling of being caged, or locked in webs. Again this may be fiction it may be real, the reader will never know, but "fiction reveals truth that reality obscures," which is absolutely true (my all time favorite quote).

And no matter how many smiles i fake,

or friends I make...

The conclusion is I'm scared.

And the conclusion will always be

I am scared.

This is true, a smile is only a mask for some people, yet a smile can never heal, or help you overcome the pain someone holds. And I love the repetition of I'm scared, it shows the character is truly scared, and reader knows it. Great job once again! And rock on!

Oooh I liked this a lot. A lot a lot. The first thing that jumps out obviously is your repetition of the title throughout. I love repetition because you never have to worry about going off the beaten track, it inadvertently pulls the poem together and does the work for you.
I liked your language,I like your subtle rhyming.

The only think I would change here is the line : ''because the visions my depression produces block the views, that my heart needs.'' this line is a bit long and i think it kind of knocks the symmetry off a bit in the poem. Other than that, it was raw and beautiful! great job,truly.

Hope this helped,
Booshian.

I Like This Poem, scread for what?? People not going to nothing. but i understand how you feel, because sometimes these people are just UGLY.
"I've come to a conclusion.

As I sit here like a marionette,

unloved,

unwanted by society.

Because I can't perform the same dance as the dame before me." LOL I hope you not mean twerking because i cant realy dance eaither i can a little.