In this world, where dandelions wither under the shade of sunflowers.
Where child lies at the mercy of the world.
And fish eat fish.
We fear mere acceptance of those we love.
We pray for millions, and fancy cars, and brand new toys,
yet many sleep on dirt and eat sand.
Where is the toy for the orphan child?
The fancy car for the father who can not support his four kids...
because he's still paying for his wife's funeral.
The millions for the old woman, who lost it all in the winds of a hurricane, and the heat of a fire.
Why do we have to face a world, where everyone wishes for your failure, and their success?
Why not a world where we can sleep knowing that no child is crying, starving, dying over mother's grave?
USE THE FLAMES TO SET THE DANDELIONS FREE.
USE THE MILLIONS TO FEED THE STARVING.
Face the world, not fearing acceptance.
But fearing we will become the big fish.
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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
Greetings nemesis. I shall review, and I must beat you. *evil glare*
My first point is that "millions" isn't clear. Millions of dollers would be more precise and make easier reading.
My second point is that this poem rather begs the the question of how exactly would you manage it? I realize you couldn't write a financial balancing plan out in a poem, but give a bit more of a hint.
Thirdly and finally, I ddon't like the way you used capitalisation for emphasism. Try instead using a formatting technique as empasis, like perhaps indenting or italics.
Yours in reviewing,
The Fiend.
I really liked this poem!! It sounded a bit like spoken word poetry to me. I'm not sure about the use of capitals here. In a way it gives those lines more force as if it were spoken word where you can emphasize the important lines. However, I'm not sure if, since it's not being spoken, the use of capitalization takes away from the poem overall. It does indeed highlight those particular lines, which was your goal I'm sure, but it feels a little too forceful to me. When I first saw all the capitals I thought it was kind of shouty or over the top. At any rate it's just personal preference and I'm rambling. I loved this poem overall especially the last two lines. It's a really creative way to say what you want to and it really drives home your point. Great work!
This is deep stuff.
I feel guilty about stuff like this because I am in a very rough spot personally and fel like a jerk for caring about myself. Truth is we should help the people who truly need things like food and water and health care.
The other stuff reminded me of all the things I've been trying to forget to stop being so pessimistic, those too are essential to remember.
Good stuff, reminding us of the real world...
Keep up the good work,
Cheetah here to review your poem!
Your style is honest and unique. I haven't seen anything quite like it. I love it!
I've noticed from reading another one of your poems that you tend to use all caps on a line or two. What you capitalize seems to be the main idea. You're reading the poem and suddenly come to a part that seems like it's yelling at you. "This is what I want to tell you and I'm not going to hide it!" It's one if the things that makes your poetry different and beautiful in its own way.
Nitpicks!
Technically, there are supposed to be question marks where I put question marks. But it changes the flow and if you feel that's not how the flow in this poem works, by all means, keep the question marks out of it.
Other than that, I see nothing to critique. Overall, a wonderful poem. I can't wait to see more of your poetry. Great job and keep writing!
This poem is a bit... uh, different, but good nonetheless. I don't really have much to say other than I like this poem a lot, but that won't make for a good quality review now will it, an I must set an example for new members such as yourself.
Okay, so one thing you should know about me is that I like not being able to figure out to meaning of a poem without having to thing a bit. You my dear, have done just that, and it makes me all warm inside! Thank you, for do that. That being said, the meaning I've come up with is "Life in a post apocalyptic world." "World on the verge of extinction." and "A World trapped in interminable poverty or money crisis." It might even be just the life of the common poor person, and mind you, I've probably got it all wrong beyond any shadow of a doubt, but then again, that's what makes it fun! Amazing poem, and welcome to YWS.
~The dark one.