I originally wrote this and called it A Veil of Clouds. I have gone over it and have taken the advice given into consideration and have come up with this, Beach of Humanity:
In my dream I walk along the barren Beach of Humanity.
Each grain of sand is a thought from the people of the world.
Some stay and are kept forever.
Some are swept away by the chilling waves,
swished along black oil and are drowned instantly by its unforgiving nature.
Even as the sun glints blue on the blackest day of time,
goodness blazes from beyond the clouds
to shine a golden warmth over the sand,
illuminating the grains with brilliant light.
Air pauses, confounded by its passenger.
Time halts to conceive its conqueror.
The cold waters are trapped, blinded by their own expression
before the blackened sky ignites, folding under the immense force pulsing through it.
Suddenly, the sea becomes tranquil, no longer reaching for the yellow shore.
The sand, now golden, steams the water off its back.
The sky, like a mirror of the land below it.
The rescued sun, grateful to be burning once more.
Time starts ticking again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hey thatBoy,
Like SilentRain said, there weren't really any grammatical errors in the piece, so I'll just give an overall review. So in the first two lines, I noticed that you were sort of telling the reading not showing. For example when you said "In my dream I walk along the barren Beach of Humanity" you were sort of telling us. Instead try saying My dreams are filled with.... or something that shows the reader not tells.
The other thing is the structure of the poem. It was in one huge clump instead of organized into to stanzas (so I would change that if I were you). Also sometimes you ended with periods and sometimes there were commas at the end of each line so it wouldn't be
A
a
a
A
And instead all
A
A
A
A
Other than that it was a fabulous piece and I absolutely loved the use of metaphors you put in.
-lilgreendots <3
Hello!! Rain here!!
So, I rally have nothing to comment on about the poem itself, mainly because I think it is really good, but the structure, i think, need some work.
So I think it would be good to go through this and try to make all the lines somewhat the same length. This will help with the flow of the poem. Now it reads a little rough, read this aloud, and if you find a place in a long line were you think it could become two, make it two. The really long lines just through this of for me. If you only change one or two, make then them the longest ones.
This is just a suggetion. I tend to like poems with a good structure better then those with a mixed up one. But that is just a bias on my part.
I think this is a good poem, I like the theme. Not many hackeneyed descripsions.
Good luck!!
~Rain~