I wait alone injured as I’m left here to die
Watching bombs and explosions as time flies by.
No one will help, no one has time.
So I’ll soon lift off to the gods sublime.
Legs elsewhere, arm gone away.
Destroyed in battle on this pitiful day.
Death creeps over as owl in it’s sport.
Life so thin, of a minuscule sort.
Everything so still, so calm and allay.
My life fades and thins as it flashes away.
A silent message to loved ones at home.
And I croak my last breath as I perish alone.
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139,506 Literary Works • 672,594 Reviews
I like the setting you put, describing you in battle. I just don't think perish went with it. I mean perish means expire and dead, but you could have used a different title since we know your dying. If you did use that title, you could say your were in the woods running from yourself, your life you made for yourself, and somehow your legs caught a branch( I'm just making it up) and cut you so you ran more from your pain and life until you fell, and perished alone. The only reason why I'm saying this about your title is because I find nothing else to critisise o constructive critisize, so I came up w/that.
But I secretly do like your poem and title!
I enjoyed this, the rhyme scheme is quite simple, but it seems to work for what you have. I found the first line particularly clunky, however -- read it out to yourself aloud and it's tricky. It could be worded better.
The "gods sublime" didn't really work for me, either. I think that should be scrapped.
"As owl in it's sport" is also awkward. I recommend "as owl tracking sport" or something similar.
Despite having a good structure and rhyme scheme (and metre), I think your language could be much improved. The imagery is basic and simple, and doesn't evoke much for the reader. What you have is a good basis that can be revised into something more special. Good luck.
Hello ThatBoy.!, I Am Here To Review
Even though there isn't much.
I Really liked how you described the scene that was happening in the poem, but you could have brought more emotions into the poem. I think you should have focused more on the MC feeling towards dying alone, instead of describing the scene around and other things. It would have also helped if the poem was longer because like that you could have explained that silent message that the MC sent to his/her loved ones or maybe even if he/she had some last wishes
but over all i found it a good read
keep writing
-xoxo Imaginemymind.!