A man ran into his house
And said to his wife and kin.
'To the shelter we must go my loves
Or the bombs will crush us in'
The family scrambled out the house
And ran towards the tin.
The man said in his voice of scouse.
'I can already here the din.'
The din of bombs that dropped behind
The bombs that dropped before,
And then it came with a deafening bang,
Like bay lifts at a door.
The family sat inside the hut,
And kept each other near.
The father got up with trembling hands.
'Don't worry, no need to fear.'
The man sat down and listened out.
His wife was crying too.
'I wish that I could help my loves
But I don't know what to do! '
All went quiet and the siren stopped.
So the family crept outside.
The street, the house and everything else,
Could not be identified.
The bombs and everything inside
Were made for destruction and death.
The world of talk has been blown aside,
And we will fight 'till there's nothing left.
Underneath the bombs that bang,
And far from all the violence,
There is a world were all are calm,
And there lies the sound of silence.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,506 Literary Works • 672,594 Reviews
I have just reviewed 'the painter' and I'm back reading more of your brilliance. Another amazing poem with perfect flow. I am a true fan of your work, it seems poetry comes naturally to you
Thank you. This is such an old poem though. I was much younger when I wrote it. These days I tend to work on what will hopefully turn into a novel. You can find it here: http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/phil ... 5/1128984/
Really good, really sad...I think Isha already pointed out pretty well what needed to be fixed, so I'm not going to reiterate. One word of advice, though: don't ever sacrifice the tone or wording of your poem to keep a rhyme. A poem doesn't have to. But I still think you did a really great job with this.
That's really good!! Sort of sad and depressing, but good! My only nitpick is this:
I would just change "Could Not" to "Couldn't." Otherwise it slightly throughs off the flow.