A Soul To The Heavens

Hi,
This was a really nice read. I do agree to an extent with storyweaver that you probably shouldn't rely too much on a rhyme scheme. However, I think it went well with this poem, so I won't say remove them; but if this is your usual way of writing (and I don't know if it is, I'm just assuming based on storyweaver's comment) you may wish to experiment with other styles, even going free style. Rhymes typically only serve to help the poem's rhythm 'flow' better, but rhymes alone don't make the poem, and they certainly don't make very original poems (in style, at least).

I don't actually have much else to say, other than give praises which you have plenty of as it is, but I really wanted to post a critique here because it gives me an opportunity to correct one of the previous critics. I'll do that now: thehobbitgangster, it says "To the heavens she did soar", soar as in fly. It is grammatically 'correct', though it isn't grammatically 'standard'. But that's okay - where's the fun in being standard?

Oh, I believe "silent drum role" should be "silent drum roll".

I think you could spend a lot of time experimenting with this. I'm not saying you should, but it would be interesting to see if the apparent 'cliche' of this poem is down to the poem itself or the rhyming structure. I'd suggest you go free style for a bit, you'll probably get more criticism than praise, but over time your work will probably become more 'interesting', 'original', etc rather than simply 'a really nice read'. The way I see it, you'll never be better than second best if you stick to the basics.

This is a really moving peice, bravo! I can't really say anything bad about it, it seemed all fine. The beat and rhyming all seemed fine. And so did the flow. And I didn't think the ending was so cliche, I thought it was truthful and heartfelt. After my grandma died, my grandpa just basically gave up, at least that's what my dad says. I never met him, he died before I was born. He had cancer, and probably felt awful, but didn't do anything about it and refused to go to the doctors. Really, it was because he just wanted his wife again. So I guess I get the poem, it's really good. Keep writing, you're excellent at it.

-iheartbooks♥

Hey, so this poem did seem to tell a story, but whose was it? The old man or the person on the beach? It had good parts and not so good parts. I had a problem with the line "to the heavens she did saw". This doesn't sound grammatically correct. Either take out the did or make it "she did see". I guess it had to do with the forced rhyming, but the rhyme scheme seemed to skip around so much it wouldn't have been that noticeable, at least to me. Lastly, the quotation marks were somewhat distracting. I think you'd be safe just putting some where the man begins speaking and at the end. Good job!:)

Umm... I like it, I really do. It just seems like there's two poems merged into one here. First is the meeting a man on the beach, and second is his story. I understand why the first part sounds quite simple and the second poetic, since it's two different people talking, but I just think it clashes too much.

The story is sweet, and your style is quite unique. Hope this helps.

-Ten

Pointing this out just because I read another one of your poems, but this poem and the other have the same rhyme scheme. And like I said in the other one, don't always force your poem into a certain mold of rhyming. There are too many quotation marks also, and they don't have to end at the end of each line. Then the the line,

“I will see my precious, lost wife again.”